My journey of Transformation. Destination now known!

New Blog

2011-01-04T14:21:00.000-08:00

Hi to all my friends here.

A few months ago I started a new blog to mark the next stage of my transition. I had unfortunately had to make this blog private for the last few months as I was worried about people close to me finding out before it had all come out as I planned.
As I am now full time I am leaving this open again just in case it is useful for anyone going through a similar experiance.

I have started a new blog and the address is

http://wowthestartofmynewlife.blogspot.com/2010/09/my-new-start-in-life.html

Hope to see you there.

Lisa x

Update from Tenerife

2010-10-06T05:55:00.000-07:00

So here I am in an internet cafe in Tenerife.

In Playa de Las Americas to be exact.

Its a tough few days I have had. Temperatures in the 30�s and sun sand and the sea to deal with. Not to mention the swimming pool, the good food and plenty of drink in the all inclusive place I came to!

I came away with 2 things in mind. The first was to relax after a tough year. This I have managed to do quite well. Although at times on my own it has been a bit boring, my MP3 player and books have been there for me. I also managed to meet a family all in there 50�s and 60's who come together every year. i meet them most evenings to watch the enteratainment in the hotel and have a chat.

The second thing I wanted to do was gain confidence and push myself into trying new things.

Again I have suceeded. Having no one to rely on but myself meant I had to just get stuck into being me. No time to worry quite how I looked or sounded (although I did worry) but the emphasis was on just doing it as well as I can, and to relax and just be me.

On this count I am pleased to. Lots of new firsts.

- I have sunbathed in my swimming costume. I took the safe route and went for an untra conservative all in 1 but I still did it.

- I swam in the hotel pool

- I went swimming in the sea

- I enjoyed the beach complete with my hippy style beach top ( I love it!)

- I tried Tai Chi with an American instructor in the hotel. He loved my hippy style top. He said he used to wear the hippy style (God he was hansome and so fit!)

- I talked to strangers of many different nationalities. The hotel is a real mix of Brits, Germans, French, Italien, Dutch, Polish and just about every other nationality you can think of from Europe.

- I managed to complete my first novel in years!

Sure I have drank to much and eaten to much but in self defence I have managed 4 x 6 mile runs so far with anothe planned for tomorrw morning. This is helping my guilt each time I look at a fresh glass of wine!

I know I am going to have to take 3 weeks off alcohol when I get home so my doctor does not faint when he sees my blood tests to see how the hormones are doing!

Last night I went for a walk after dinner and head the sounds of live music at a bar near the harbour.

I looked in and sat down at the back of the packed bar to have a quiet drink and enjoy the ambieance. No such luck. The couple on the stage asked me over the sound system where I was from. I was gutted. I had to answer in as loud a girly voice as I could imagine, the place I lived.

I had a quick look and no second glances so I breathed a sigh of relief,

Bloody hell but with sheer bad luck it turned out his best friend used to live about 3 miles away.

And so he kept asking questions and I just wanted to tell him to shut the Feck up so I could melt away and not worry about my voice.

But it ended well and we exchanged a few funny comments.

And so last night progressed from a fun start to a better finish.

Now I dont normally win much and when they came around with tickets for a prize draw I declined. The top prize was an all inclusive 6 hour trip on a boat to go whale watching. Worth about 50 Euros. Second prize was a bottle of wine. Third prize was a DVD and the booby prize was a salt and pepper pot!

Now the first person who was drawn decided to go for the wine as the boat trip was for 1 and they couldnt take there partner

The second person decided to go for the DVD

The third person got up and unbelievebly went for the salt and pepper pots! Much to everyones laughter

The next 3 sets of numbers drawn nobody admited to winning!!!!

Then the guy said does anyone want this free boat trip for 1 person.

I though "go for it" so I put my hand up. He asked what my ticket numbers were and I said I hadent bought any.

He luaghed and said tough luck!

Then he drew out another number and a man got up and said "Its mine but I will give it to the lady on her own at the back."Now how damn lucky am I!!

On the down side I had to walk up to the stage and accept the prize and answer more questions but hey ho its all confidence building.

So I go tomorrow at 10.45AM. I went to have a look at the boat and the type of people who go on it today to make sure I will be ok. It seems it attracts a mixed crowd from familes to couples and teenagers.

Quite looking forward to it. Not sure I am going to take my Bikini like the captain told me I must though !! LOL

I am glad I came away over all. I have relaxed and am gaining confidence all the time. I really do wish I had someone here to share the time with as it can be lonely on your own.

That said I am a seasoned travellor and I knew what to expect.

Not sure If I am going to have time to write another blog before I get home or not.

So here I am in an internet cafe in Tenerife.

In Playa de Las Americas to be exact.

The second thing I wanted to do was gain confidence and push myself into trying new things.

On this count I am pleased to. Lots of new firsts.

- I have sunbathed in my swimming costume. I took the safe route and went for an untra conservative all in 1 but I still did it.

- I swam in the hotel pool

- I went swimming in the sea

- I enjoyed the beach complete with my hippy style beach top ( I love it!)

- I tried Tai Chi with an American instructor in the hotel. He loved my hippy style top. He said he used to wear the hippy style (God he was hansome and so fit!)

- I talked to strangers of many different nationalities. The hotel is a real mix of Brits, Germans, French, Italien, Dutch, Polish and just about every other nationality you can think of from Europe.

- I managed to complete my first novel in years!

I know I am going to have to take 3 weeks off alcohol when I get home so my doctor does not faint when he sees my blood tests to see how the hormones are doing!

Last night I went for a walk after dinner and head the sounds of live music at a bar near the harbour.

I had a quick look and no second glances so I breathed a sigh of relief,

Bloody hell but with sheer bad luck it turned out his best friend used to live about 3 miles away.

And so he kept asking questions and I just wanted to tell him to shut the Feck up so I could melt away and not worry about my voice.

But it ended well and we exchanged a few funny comments.

And so last night progressed from a fun start to a better finish.

Now the first person who was drawn decided to go for the wine as the boat trip was for 1 and they couldnt take there partner

The second person decided to go for the DVD

The third person got up and unbelievebly went for the salt and pepper pots! Much to everyones laughter

The next 3 sets of numbers drawn nobody admited to winning!!!!

Then the guy said does anyone want this free boat trip for 1 person.

I though "go for it" so I put my hand up. He asked what my ticket numbers were and I said I hadent bought any.

He luaghed and said tough luck!

Then he drew out another number and a man got up and said "Its mine but I will give it to the lady on her own at the back."Now how damn lucky am I!!

On the down side I had to walk up to the stage and accept the prize and answer more questions but hey ho its all confidence building.

Quite looking forward to it. Not sure I am going to take my Bikini like the captain told me I must though !! LOL

I am glad I came away over all. I have relaxed and am gaining confidence all the time. I really do wish I had someone here to share the time with as it can be lonely on your own.

That said I am a seasoned travellor and I knew what to expect.

Not sure If I am going to have time to write another blog before I get home or not.

New Blog

2010-09-24T14:05:00.001-07:00

I have started a new blog which I will make public again.
The address is

http://wowthestartofmynewlife.blogspot.com/2010/09/my-new-start-in-life.html

Hope to see you there.

Lisa x

Bitter Sweet

2010-09-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

Bitter sweet
My last week at work and only tomorrow to go before I am officially full time.
I envisaged I would feel like celebrating and be on cloud 9 but while I am pleased at being able to start my new life it is tinged with some regrets for the things I have lost.
On a personal front I have lost my wife. We are still close and I guess like best friends but the love, intimacy and relationship we had are gone now.
While we still talk and are open with each other there is still a sense of loss in both of us which sometimes finds its way to the surface and we end up a little upset. I know this will get easier but it still hurts.
My relationship with my kids will be different and I won’t be able to see them do the things I used to. Things like taking my kids to Karate, Rugby, Brownies, swimming and choir etc are now off the agenda in the immediate future at least. Parents evening and school plays etc I am also going to miss as I am going to respect my children’s wishes to give them some space in those environments.
I watched my son play rugby on Sunday for the last time. I had to walk away a little from the other parents as I was feeling a little fragile. My daughters have not allowed me to take them to school or their social clubs at all this school year in case anyone sees me.
It’s not that they are not comfortable with me its more that they are worried what others will say and any fall out. So far everyone including their close friends and parents have been great, but that is not to say that everyone will be.
I know I will shed some tears at those times although I will hide them. It feels like in some way I am excluded from certain parts of their lives.
This last couple of weeks at work has also been a bit emotional. I have said goodbye to many people internally and externally whom I have built up very good relationships with over the last 10 years. Almost without fail there has been genuine concern when I told them I was leaving for a while for personal reasons. I was unable to be more open with them than that due to an agreement. But they all were concerned for my health and offered their assistance in any way they could help. They all said they hoped to see me in the New Year when I sorted these personal issues out.
Most people at work are coming in tomorrow to say goodbye to me. Although the announcement said I was only leaving temporarily most realise they will not see me again. God knows how I am going to stop myself from bursting into tears!
So a sense of loss for the things I have lost or left behind in my transition.
At the same time tempered by the chance to start my life afresh and more honest with myself and the world.
Not quite the feelings I thought I would be having on the eve of my last day presenting as a man.
My god how bizarre, I am listening to an album called “Acoustic love” and “Perfect day” has just started playing.
Hopefully it will be.

First day on hormones and one week left at work

2010-09-18T11:57:00.001-07:00

Well that was the end of my second last week at work. One more to go and then thank goodness I will be full time.
The week passed ok and mainly involved me handing over some of the major customers to my Director.
On Thursday I received a copy of the letter from the gender clinic to my GP advising them to issue me hormones. As you can imagine I was straight on the phone for an early appointment for Friday to get the prescription.
I managed to get a 7.30 AM appointment so I got up early did my hair and put on some leggings and a top and went to my GP. We had a little chat and I got my prescription for patches dispensing 50 micro grams every 24hours.
I then went home, got changed into drag (shirt and tie) and went to the dentist for a 9.00AM appointment. That went fine apart from a minor filling. I also took the opportunity to register my proper name now.
The receptionist was great even though I had a shirt and tie on. In fact she said she always thought I was a “pretty boy” so she thought I would make a “pretty girl”.
I have to admit I burst out with laughter and we both had a giggle.
Then off to work for a team briefing and the announcement that I would be leaving at the end of next week.
On the way back to the office I stopped at Boots (Chemists) and picked up my hormone patches.
Literally as soon as I walked into work I went to the visitors toilets (so clean that you could eat your dinner of the floor! –not that I would advise it) and put on my first patch. I thought from what I had heard that you would apply it to your bum but it advises to apply it to your abdomen and so that’s what I did.
I then went to the team brief where we announced I was leaving. It went ok but many people came up to me and said they would miss me. I couldn’t explain what was going on but will be in a position to do that in the future.
At the end of the day I visited my best friend and told him about me. As many who have followed my blog know, I held off telling him as there are many links between him and his family and work. This did make me feel guilty for holding something so personal and important from him.
We sat down for a couple of hours and I explained about everything that had been going on. Unfortunately his wife was still at work so he will have to explain to her.
He was really quite good about it, if not extremely surprised. I hope over the next few days as it sinks in that this does not change. In my experience the initial reaction has always been good but this is followed by a period of concern / worry and then people get their heads around it and are fine again.
I got home at 8.30 and was feeling tired. I went up to get changed but made the fatal mistake of lying on the bed. I awoke at 11.00PM and decided to get in my pyjamas and go back to bed. I didn’t wake up until 8.00 this morning.
I am not sure if this was the effect of the long day and busy week or the hormones.
Today was another good day as I managed to meet Jenny and her lovely wife for a look around a national trust house and onto a pub for lunch.
We had a really good chat and shared a few laughs.
Happy Iron anniversary to you both!
After that I drove towards home and stopped at a local coffee shop that is for sale. I had looked at this place around 9 months ago and wanted to have another look to see how business was going.
I had a chat with the owner. It was hilarious actually as when I spoke to her I said that I had looked at it before. She couldn’t remember me. When I explained to her that I had just transitioned and who I was she nearly fell off her chair!
We had a good chat and I think I am going to visit at various times over the next couple of weeks and see how busy or not they are along with the competition in town.
I must admit I am feeling tired again and am wondering if it is anything to do with the hormones.
Other than that I have only noticed a little dryness in my mouth. I was a bit gutted this morning when I realised I hadn’t grown 38C breasts over night but hey ho!!
Now I am going to enjoy my first glass of wine in a few days. I have to be careful now I am only allowed 14 units a week!!! Yikes.
xx

My Passport Arrived

2010-09-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

A big smile on my face today as when I arrived home my new passport had arrived.
It says Lisa Maria and has "F" as the sex!!
Wow it feels nice.
If I had the money I would book a flight anywhere just to use it!!!

Now I am going to fill in the paperwork for my Driving licence. When I read that application I found they do a passport check so I wanted to get my passport changed first.

xxx

Well Where to start!

2010-09-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

Well where to Start.
So much has been going on in all areas of my life.
Firstly work and I have agreed to depart by “Mutual agreement”. I can’t legally say much else about that but I am ok with it and the “Mutual agreement” suited us both.
So now in 2 more weeks I become a lady of leisure. I think I will have a 2 week holiday (relaxing at home I think) and then will start looking for another job. Something that will not be too stressful and engaging with people is high on my list.
I have a dream of opening up a coffee shop but maybe something a little different to the normal places.
I am thinking I may go and get a job in one for a few months to learn about coffee and the customers etc. It would also be a fun place to work me thinks. I know the money will be crap but for now it’s all I want really to be honest.
I visited the gender clinic today and that went well. I signed the consent forms for hormones and have requested patches as opposed to tablets.
She will get a letter of to my GP and says it will be with him for Thursday. She will copy me on it as she knows I will be straight on the phone to my GP to get the prescription!!!
So with a bit of luck on Friday or certainly Monday I should have my first patch to put on!!! Yayyyyyyyyyyy.
It seems such a long time ago I started on this journey and I can’t quite believe that I am finally about to start hormones. I can’t wait.
My first credit card has arrived in my new name. I am expecting my new bank details shortly along with my other credit card.
I haven’t heard anything back from the passport office yet, but hope to soon.
My wife had her 40th birthday party on Saturday night. Planning it took up a lot of time and decorating the house and cooking the food took up Friday night and Saturday. As you can imagine Sunday was spent cleaning up!
A great night was had by everyone. The night didn’t finish until 3.00AM and about 12 people stayed over here for the night.
There were about 50 people in total in the evening that came. As some were only just aware of me I decided that to make sure my wife was the centre of attention on her big day and to not cause any focus to come onto me and cause any issues.
It was strange as it was the first time in ages I was in androgynous mode. That said my hair was in girl mode so it felt kind of ok.
My extended family all came and it gave me the chance to talk to them for the first time since they knew. Aunties, uncles and cousins alike were all great. :- )
My children’s friends have all seen me several times now and are completely fine with it. It seems so natural like it has always been like this!
I have also had my interview at the university to start the 3 year degree course. The course starts on the 4th October so I am hoping to get confirmation I am on the course next week.
So I am in a good place right now. For the first time in ages I can see opportunities and not problems!
I even feel like playing my guitar again!!
Much more to say but I have so much to do that most may have to wait until I am a lady of leisure.
xxx

A lot has happened this week

2010-09-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

It’s been a busy week really with lots going on.
Last Saturday was a tough night really.
My wife stayed over for the first time with her boyfriend and it left me feeling all over the place. I chatted with Caroline who is a great support in tough times (thanks), shed quite a few tears and drank a little too much wine to drown my sorrows. I went bed eventually at about 4.00 AM and awoke with a sore head.
I have managed to come to terms with the loss of my wife this week and accept that she has now moved on. I am becoming used to talking about the good and bad bits of her boyfriend. It’s damn strange to be honest but it is getting easier (if not really boring to listen to!!)
On Tuesday I went to my GP and asked him if he could write me a letter for my name change in my passport, driving licence and social security office. He gave me 3 copies which I picked up on Thursday.
On Wednesday night I popped into see one of my wife’s friends who works at the passport help line, to get some advice on the forms. She helped me fill them in and we had a natter over a cup of tea. She was really nice actually. She has known about me for a few months now and has been a great support to my wife. Her daughter and boyfriend came in half way through and started chatting. It was a fun hour listening to the banter between the young lovers!
I had some photos taken on Thursday night (don’t passport photos look awful!) came home to fill out the forms and then went to my neighbour so she could be my witness.
A cup of coffee and an hour later I came back with the forms all filled out.
I posted them today so hopefully I will get my passport back within a couple of weeks.
I have read the application for a new driving licence and it seems I will have to wait for my passport change as they do a check with the passport office so I need my name change first there I think. Hopefully it won’t delay that for too long.
I got my first credit card back with my name on so that great.
Wednesday night was a busy night because as well as visiting the lady to help with my passport, I also visited the parents of a couple more of my sons friends who live close by.
The first couple I saw were fabulous. No sooner had I said what was going on that she stood up rushed over and gave me a hug. We had a chat for a while and both her and her husband were really great. They said they would explain to their son and he would be ok. They also thanked me for coming around and letting them know. When I left both of them gave me a hug and said goodbye Lisa!!
I then set off a bit more confident to tell another couple. When I got there only the wife was there. So I explained to her what was going on. Just as before she said she was ok with it. She asked some questions which I was happy to answer and after 30 minutes I left after a hug. She said she would tell her husband and son.
About 10.00 PM I got a text and she said she had told her husband and son and they were fine. In fact they took my son to the cinema on Thursday and after dropping him off we passed each other in the cars. We both stopped and the whole family called me Lisa. I have known the husband for a number of years, in fact I used to go kickboxing with him (I know it’s not girly but at the time I was trying to prove I was a man! – what a joke) and he did say Jason at first but quickly rectified it and was great.
I really feel that society is changing for the better; People seem more tolerant of things nowadays. I guess there is more information out there which helps a lot.
Last Saturday morning my Brother and Sister in law called. They wanted to come around with their kids to give some cards and presents to my kids. When we spoke I asked him if he had told my niece and nephew yet (They have known for about 7 months now). He said he hadn’t as he felt they were too young. I explained that there ages are perfect (5 and 9) as they have no preconceptions. My neighbour’s kids are the same age and they have been fabulous. They are now fully used to me in only 3 weeks!
He said he was not ready to tell them yet but would in the future.
I explained it was up to him but it was a shame as I would not hide anymore. I said they were all welcome around but I am me now and that is not going to change, so if he felt that they should not come around I would understand. He then said he still wanted to come over with his wife.
So a couple of hours later they arrived without the kids. It went well. No awkwardness really and we chatted for an hour or so. It was the first time they have seen me in anything more than androgynous clothes. We hugged when they left and off to my parents they went.
I spoke to my Mum on Saturday night and she said they had said how normal I was. I get the impression they thought I would be some sort of drag queen! They also told her in hindsight there kids would have been fine. So hopefully this means they will tell them soon to avoid any difficulty at family gatherings etc.
Plenty more to write about but I don’t want to bore people to death!
x

Name changes and my sons happy as his friend was fine with the news

2010-08-29T13:35:00.000-07:00

On Thursday night I went around to visit the parents of one of my son’s best friends. Initially my son did not want me to go around so I have been holding off but as my full time has got closer he has agreed me telling the parents and allowing them to tell his friend would be the best way.
So I went around and explained what was going on. It went really well and was almost a non event to be honest. They said they were going away for a few days on Saturday so would tell him then, but were sure him and his elder brother would be cool.
Two cups of tea later and discussion on clothes as well as me being asked advice on the merits of laser V electrolysis for hair removal I was on my way home.
My son was elated when he found out it had gone well. Now this was made better on Saturday morning. We were sitting down having breakfast together and he got a text. When he looked it was from his friend who wrote “My mum told me about your Dad, It is cool, nothing will change”
It was so sweet of his friend. I almost had a tear in my eye. My son wrote back and said “Thanks M8” in his typical I am really cool way!
So now I am going to tell the parents of his other good friend from school tomorrow. Hopefully this will also go well and he will have 2 of his best friends as allies to help him, should anything be said or done by other kids at school. They return after the long school holidays next Thursday.
In other news I have finished decorating my new room. I chose a nice light purple on 2 walls and cream on the other 2. After finishing the ceiling, doors, walls and skirting board the room feels bigger (although it is only 7 feet by about 9 feet in truth.) I can’t wait for my small double bed (the room is too small for a normal double) to arrive and then I can choose some soft furnishings.
I have cleared out the cupboard in there and will move as many of my clothes in as possible when my bed arrives.
As this is a long weekend with Monday being a holiday here, I decided to try a French manicure with a set my wife got me ages ago. After finding a lesson on U Tube I attempted it and although my nails are less than the ideal length, I am fairly pleased with my first attempt. Shame I will have to remove it all tomorrow night.
I also received the certified copies of my name change on Friday so have been writing some letters to get documentation changed.
I am going to send one to the bank and my credit card company on Tuesday to get new cards and account details changed.
I do have a second credit card with Virgin money and was really pleased to find that they did my name over the phone. I nearly fell off my chair when the man said that. I had just explained why I wanted the name change and he said don’t worry I will do it for you now. Apparently the new card will be with me in 4 – 5 days!
I also popped into my local blockbuster DVD shop on the way home from shopping today. After I chose a couple of DVD’s I went to the counter and asked to speak to the manager. When he came over she said “this lady wants to speak to you.” I asked for a private chat so we went somewhere quiet and I explained I am transitioning and needed my name changed on the system as I didn’t want any odd questions at the counter. He asked if I had any documentation so I showed him my deed poll.
He then said to me “no problem I will do it now it will only take a couple of minutes.”
We walked to the counter and less than 5 minutes later I was walking out with my DVD’s and my new membership card.
I have to say I am so far amazed at how easy this name change malarkey is going.
In the letter to my doctor I am enclosing the deed poll he asked for to enable him to change my NHS details but I also asked him for a letter confirming my transition is permanent so I can send it to the DVLA and the passport office. These departments require confirmation that the transition is permanent from your GP or the Gender clinic. Hopefully then I can get those documents changed also. In fact I was a bit cheeky and asked him for 2 original copies so I could send them off at the same time to avoid delay! (He can only say no I guess!)
Still dreading going full time at work and I am trying my best to put it to the back of my mind. I spoke to my counsellor on Friday night and told her my nerves about going full time were knocking my confidence somewhat.
I keep seeing a man when I look in the mirror now. I seem to be focusing on my flaws rather than my strengths.
I also keep wondering if I could or should have stopped short of going full time. I know it’s really because I am so scared of how things will go on September the 27th and the following few months.
Roll on Christmas!
x

You can now call me Lisa Maria ! :-D

2010-08-23T14:31:00.000-07:00

Wow how quick is that service!
I filled in on line, with the UK deed poll service, my name change at around 00.30 AM after chatting to Caroline late Friday night.
Despite the wine all my spelling was correct!
I couldn’t believe it when I got home tonight (after the lovely electrocution of some of my facial hair) and a large envelope was waiting for me. I opened it and it was the printed deed poll forms ready for signing and witnessing.
I took them around to our next door neighbours and they signed them for me after witnessing me sign it (This is the first time I have signed with my proper name and it felt great lol). An hour later after a good chat with them I came back home and put them in the return envelope ready for returning tomorrow to them.
They will then print me 6 certified copies and send me it back with the copies. Hopefully before the weekend.
Then over to me to start changing some of my documentation. :-D
So I guess officially from now as I have executed the deed poll by signing and having it witnessed,
My new title is Ms and my name is Lisa Maria xxxxxxxxxxxx
Ms Lisa Maria xxxxxxxxxxxxx has a lovely ring to it !! (Apart from the all the X’s!)

Name change and moving to my new bedroom.

2010-08-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

Well it’s been a busy week with Birthday parties.
My youngest daughter was 7 last weekend and we had a party for her.
I visited my parents on Monday night as it was my Dads birthday.
Also my son was 12 today and we had a little celebration for him here at home. In fact he has had an extended celebration as my parents came over last night along with my Granddad (89 and still going strong) and we had a birthday tea for him.
Last Wednesday we took my kids and 3 of my sons friends to the cinema and then to pizza hut for his party. We then came home and my son was having his friends for a sleep over. We set up a bed in the living room and the other 2 boys were sleeping on the settees. They were watching DVD’s and playing on the playstation.
I went to bed at 11.30PM and my wife came to bed an hour later leaving them watching the end of a DVD.
I got up for work the next morning and came down for breakfast at 7.00 AM only to find them all awake. It seems they had their first all nighter!
This weekend I have been busy clearing out my office and moving my workstation to the landing. I have been talking with my wife and we have agreed that I will stay here for a few months until after I go full time and we will see how things go. What we did agree to make it easier for her was that I would move into our spare room (my office) hence the clear out.
I am now wondering what colours to paint the room. I am thinking one wall a nice light purple colour and cream for the other 3. I want this room to look feminine but not over the top. I know I have creative friends so advice would be appreciated. It’s only a small room about 7 feet x 10 feet.
I have ordered a bed which I will need when I eventually move out anyway.
It seems to have eased the pressure and we are getting on ok.
It was quite funny earlier as I think the man at the refuse tip was flirting with me. He offered to get the heavy bags out of my boot and the proceeded to line 2 up on the wall edge over the top of the huge bins below. Then he asked me to watch as he used the next one to bowl them over as if he was playing ten pin bowls! It did make me laugh. He wished me a nice day!
Who would have thought it possible to flirt at a refuse tip!
My wife and I also talked about me going away for a week on my own before I go full time. Everyone seems worried it would be the wrong thing to do so close to such a major event. They are worried I will find it hard on my own.
So my wife and I may just go away for 3 nights somewhere over the first few days and then when we get back I can start shopping for work clothes and getting ready for my first day as me.
I guess this is a better idea really and now my wife is being more supportive I am feeling less like breaking down every 5 minutes.
My wife is getting on well with her boyfriend still and it seems they will be going away for a weekend at the beginning of October. I think things are getting more serious between them now and that weekend will be there first staying together. I guess I have mixed feelings about it really. I am really sad to see her moving on as it so signifies the end for us, but it is also nice to see her happy. The fact she smiles more and is so much more positive makes me feel happier. In fact it makes me feel less guilty also.
By all accounts he does seem like a decent man who has not been pushy at all with her. I hope she doesn’t get hurt.
I have applied for a deed poll change to my name. The kids helped me choose my middle name and after some discussion and a vote my name is Lisa Maria xxxxxxxxxx.
The head nurse at my GP surgery called me and asked me to let her have a copy of the name change so she can send it to the NHS for me and change the name properly with them. That is really good of them as I didn’t realise they would do the NHS change for me.
I will also then send copies off to change my bank details, credit card details etc.
I understand I need an accompanying letter from my doctor or the gender clinic to change my passport and driving licence, so I will try to get this sorted also.
This evening my neighbours came around to give my son his card and presents. It was the first time they and their kids had been around all together and seen me as me. It went really well. We chatted for an hour or so over coffee. Their kids really didn’t bat an eye lid after the first minute or so. Still the same cheeky and fun kids they always are.
Here is hoping for a decent week at work.

Name change at my doctors surgery

2010-08-18T14:53:00.001-07:00

I rang up my doctors today to check that my blood test results were back.
When I spoke to reception they asked my name and I said the horrible male one with surname.
They then said can you spell it so I did.
“Strange the lady said, I can’t find you. Can you give me your date of birth?”
So I did and after a while she said “ok your address please”
So I told her. She then said she booked me in for a telephone appointment.
When I rang back she asked my name and said oh yes I will put you through.
My doctor said “Hello Lisa.” :-D
After speaking to my doctor about the results and levels I asked if he had changed my name at the surgery, and he has!!!
How wonderful. That is why the woman couldn’t find me. So I am now listed on my surgery documents as Lisa. Yipppppeeeeee
It felt really nice now and as I will always be going as me it will avoid any strangeness when I go to the surgery.
It is quite appropriate really as I am thinking now that I need to start changing my documentation and am trying to find out the best way to do this.

A night out in Manchester

2010-08-15T11:37:00.001-07:00

It’s been a busy weekend.
My youngest daughter was 7 on Friday so we had a birthday tee for her on Friday night with a few friends and pizza etc.
And then on Saturday she had her official party with 25 7 year olds running riot!
My daughter asked me to wear my one and only male jumper with my girly jeans, which I did as I didn’t want to cause her any problems. It did feel really strange though. I took it off as soon as I could when we got back!
The party was fun. In the evening she had 3 friends stay over the night.
I left for Manchester at 5.00PM to meet up with Chrissie and Dana who is over from the USA. We spent the night on Canal street and drank too much, ate too much and danced just enough!
We had a relatively early night as we were back in the room for 2.00AM (many of the bars / clubs there are open until 5 or 6 in the morning!) as Chrissie was not feeling to good with a bad throat. It was nice to finally meet them both. They were fun and I had a good night.
The good thing about finishing early was that I woke up with a clear head. The only bad thing was that the hotel was the noisiest place I had ever stayed in. It was above the disco and we could hear banging and voices until after 5.00 AM.
Chrissie and Dana checked out early to get some medicine so I decided to walk around the centre of Manchester to get some breakfast and do a little shopping / sightseeing. I found a trendy little cafe bar near Piccadilly that did a full breakfast and coffee (with free refills – and it was starbucks coffee!) for £4.00. What a bargain.
Then I walked around and spent an hour in Primark buying a few bits. That is an amazingly cheap shop and the quality is ok.
It was so nice to spend another day free as me and not having any problems anywhere I went. My confidence is growing.
Then before I knew it, it was time to leave and come back to Leicester. And as I got closer to home the worries and sadness started again.
I think it’s the thought of how hard the next few weeks, in fact the rest of this year is going to be. It’s great to have an escape for a night but horrible to realise that all those challenges are still there as soon as you get back.
I found myself wishing that someone would save me and take me away from all this. I even stopped and bought 2 lottery tickets for the next 5 lottery draws just in case fate wants to save me.
I know really I have to safe myself and get this over with but it is so hard emotionally with everything coming at once. I knew it would be hard but damn it’s harder than I thought. I had a good cry in the car on the way back to release some of my emotions.
It was good to get hugs from my kids when I walked in and then I went for another run with the dog to get things out of my system.
Here we go with another week.

An argument with my wife

2010-08-12T14:08:00.001-07:00

On the way home from Ireland I stopped at my Mums to pick up the kids. My wife had been on a late shift and had dropped them off.
I had tea there and then came home. My wife was home when I got in.
We had a few cross words which resulted in a row. It all started over something stupid and then tempers grew and she said a couple of things that really pissed me off.
The first was in response to something I said where she replied “maybe it is better you move out”
Then after telling her saying that was out of order and she should apologise, she replied with “you should apologise to me”
I asked what I should apologise for. The response came “for being like you are “
I said that was out of order and that I had apologised many times for putting her through this.
She then said I had ruined her life and that everyone would think she was a freak because of me.
I have had to come upstairs to calm down.
I am really thinking I should move out soon. I think tensions are going to get worse as full time gets closer and I am not sure it’s going to be the best thing to stay here for us all.
I guess we should go to a family lawyer and get some advice. Hopefully we could do this together.

I met a wonderful woman on the flight to Dublin

2010-08-11T12:54:00.001-07:00

I am currently writing this from my hotel room in Ireland. I flew over early this morning into Dublin Airport and then had a 4 hour drive to my appointment.
I am now in a hotel in Longford half way back to Dublin.
The flight was really great as I was fortunate enough to sit next to a wonderful woman. We started talking as soon as she sat down.
By the time we landed she knew everything about me. We had a giggle as well as some serious talk.
I apologised for being dressed in drag (shirt and tie!) and she asked me to email her a photo of me as myself, which I will.
She lives in Dublin but visits Birmingham ( only 30 minutes away) quite a bit so on her next trip over hopefully we can meet for a coffee.
I changed out of drag when I got to the hotel and went for a walk around town. I then came back to the hotel and had dinner in the bar.
It was quite full due to the international football matches and the fact that Ireland V Argentina was on the TV. Men cheering and talking loudly. How boring !!
Just got back to my room now and trying to catch up with everyones blogs.
I am getting a lot more comfortable speaking and interacting with others when out now and it makes for much more relaxed times.

With regards to home life I am still considering if it would be best for my kids if I moved out. My daughters seem ok with there friends coming around but my son is really nervous.
I think if I do move out I will have to house share with someone to limit the cost.

I took him to his Rugby practice last night and I was looking around at all the kids and parents wondering what effect my transition will have on him there and the subsequant impact on him in his life and personality.

Sure makes you feel guilty. In fact so much so that sometimes I do wonder if I should stop.

Nearly another week gone at work.slowly edging towards full time on 27th September. I am strating to worry about how it will go. I keep telling myself off for letting my mind race away with possible negative outcomes.
What will be will be I guess. Normally the anticipation and build up is worse than the event. Hopefully it will be the same this time.

Things have settled down a bit

2010-08-08T12:26:00.001-07:00

Well another week and things seem to have settled down a bit.
I haven’t blogged much as I have lacked the time and motivation with everything going on.
This week my Counsellor did a presentation at the board meeting on Thursday to my company Directors. It went reasonably well according to my Counsellor. They were still complaining it was not enough time for them but at least now understand it will be happening on the 27th September and as such are now starting to do some of the preparation work with document changes etc. They have also provisionally booked her for a day on Friday 17th, to do some presentations to the employees as this is the day it will be announced to the masses.
I will have the following week off and then return as me on the 27th September.
I spoke to my Director on Friday and he started by saying all the directors were unhappy with the timing but were now working towards this time frame.
Progress I guess even if they are being forced.
They have it in their mind that me transitioning will risk losing one or more of the 3 major contracts we have ongoing.
I will have some discussions with them over the next week or 2 to go through some plans to make sure that does not happen.
On the home front my wife seems to have settled down a bit and her initial panic has gone. She seems more comfortable with us living together for the immediate future and maybe changing our living arrangements early next year. We are getting on well together.
She is still with her new boyfriend and they seem to be getting along well. Surprisingly I am not really jealous at all. I think it’s down to the fact our relationship has changed so much over the last few years that I kind of knew this would happen at some point. In fact it is nice to see her happy.
I visited some other friends, a married couple, a few doors away and told them on Friday night about me and how things will be changing. They were brilliant and we chatted over a glass of wine for a couple of hours. When I left they both gave me a hug and said they were completely fine with it all.
On Wednesday I caught a flight up to Scotland for a meeting on Thursday. While there I managed to catch up with Caroline and stayed over with her and her wife. She cooked a wonderful Salmon in Pastry which she had slaved over a hot stove for all day!!!
It was nice to see them again. We shared wine and gossip all night. :- )
Last night I went out with some friends into Leicester. I stayed over at my Mums house as the taxi to our house is too expensive. I caught the bus into town and not only was it late it also took ages to get into town as there was a Caribbean festival going on just outside the centre. I was almost getting high on the secondary smoke of Mary Joanna!!
When we eventually arrived in town I had a 1 mile walk to meet my friends. I can tell you I was soon regretting wearing my heels!! My feet were killing me all night. In fact I went barefoot for parts of it!
It was a long night, with us eventually leaving a night club at 4.10 in the morning. It has to be said I have felt really tired all day. I am getting to old for nights like that. An early night is called for tonight.
I am also wondering where to go for my week off before I go full time. I really do want to get away somewhere.
As I will be on my own, I am thinking of a week in Barcelona, or somewhere similar. That will enable me to mix a couple of days on the beach with a bit of culture and enough to do for a girl on her own.
If anyone has any other great places with enough to do for someone on their own, then please let me know.

What a stressful few days

2010-07-31T17:44:00.000-07:00

What a few days.
Lots going on as always and not all good unfortunately.
First the positive news is that I went out for dinner on Wednesday night with a friend from University. We met at 7.30 and couldn’t stop talking. In fact the waitress came to take our order 3 times because we just couldn’t seem to pull ourselves away from chat! It was a lovely evening and I felt really comfortable there as me. (He does read this blog so thanks for a nice evening)
I also went to the cinema tonight to see Inception. I went on my own as I was let down by a friend but I really needed to get out and away from things for a bit. It was an interesting film and one which I enjoyed. I went there and treated myself to a popcorn and diet coke. I was the only girl there on her own, but I didn’t feel too weird. You can’t really chat when you go to the pictures anyway I suppose. I still would have preferred to go with someone but hey ho.
Now for the rest of the week.
It’s been a really stressful one really.
I have felt at times right on the edge. I have been using coping mechanisms a bit such as distraction and running all the stress out of myself to cope. When I think too much about what is happening right now my mind runs off and I am struggling to hold the tears back.
As you know, the work transition and still managing to keep my job is in full swing and is proving quite difficult. On the good side they are seeing my counsellor next Thursday who also specialises in transition support to companies. I am hoping this helps move things forward but it is still on my mind all the time.
In addition to this when I got home on Tuesday my wife and I had a chat. She speaks to the kids about things a lot and it would seem, as expected that they are worried about what their friends will say and think. It seems that they had mentioned to her it may be easier if I move out for a bit.
My wife is also struggling with seeing me transition and she suggested it may be best if I did move out and get somewhere myself.
I really don’t want to. I wanted and thought we would do this together as friends, as we have discussed this before and she was in agreement it would be for the best to live together, until one of us needs to move on after I go full time.
I spoke to the kids and they are worried about their friends if I stay, but at the same time feel they really would like me to be here.
I spoke to my wife and said if we stay strong together and handle this correctly then I think things will be ok. I asked her if it was just about the kids or was she really struggling. Basically she is really struggling. A final decision has not been made yet but if I were a betting girl I think this week she will ask me to move out.
On top of this my wife is dating again and has seen a guy a few times now. They text a lot and she smiles and laughs like I remember she used to with me. It’s really hard to see the woman you love moving on and dating someone else.
To be clear my wife and I are not arguing and are still like best friends. The kids don’t see us at loggerheads or anything. We are trying to deal with this in the best way we can for everyone concerned
I am also worried about how we can afford for me to move out without selling our house. I may be able to rent a room for a few months so that we could keep the house for a while but if I were to rent a flat or a small house we certainly would have to put the house up for sale.
That would mean more major disruption for the kids, which I really wanted to avoid.
I guess it would mean involving solicitors as well, because we do have equity in the house and as such with my wife moving on it could bring a formal separation / divorce to the fore.
So basically from just dealing with going full time at work and then passing these other bridges in the future I am dealing with work and job security, moving out, my wife dating someone else, money worries, formal split and more disruption for the kids
But worse than this I am feeling really guilty about the effect my transition is having on my wife and kids. This is all my fault and certainly nothing to do with them. It’s not something they should be going through.
Sure I haven’t really had any GD since I am me most the time but in its place has come lots of guilt and major worries of other kinds.
This really is proving hard to deal with and at times I feel that I am almost a spectator in my life. When I am talking to people it’s like I am going through the motions but my mind is elsewhere and I am only giving the task at hand 20% of my concentration. My thought processes seem slow and overwhelmed. It really does feel like I am somewhere else in my mind. It feels like I am having an out of body experience a lot of the time. If I think about the things that are going on to much I end up fighting back the tears.
On Friday when I arrived at a customer’s place I had to sit in the car for 30 minutes as I was in tears and had to let my eyes and face get back to normal.
I am really worried that although now I am living as a woman and am comfortable in myself, I will spend the rest of my life really really uncomfortable with myself. (For putting my family through this)
It’s a rock and a hard place.

The element of Freedom

2010-07-27T15:20:00.000-07:00

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom , this is the element of freedom"

I got into my wifes car yesterday evening to take the dog out for a walk. I turned on the CD player and these were the first words spoken in a song by Alecia keys.
The song is very short, and is called the element of Freedom.
I loved the words especially after the day I had.

Today I had a normal day at work although some worrying potential changes at home.
Its to late to write about this now but I will soon.

At least I am going out for dinner tomorrow night with a friend I met at college.

What a first day back. :-(

2010-07-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

What a first day back.
The day was manic to say the least. There is a lot of pressure on to convert some of the big projects into orders and it led to some intense meetings. One side of our business has been let down on a large order and so people are now focusing on all the other projects trying to bring them forward to help.
We have also lost a good sales engineer who struggled to get on with my Director. We had only just changed the structure a bit and I swapped one of the guys that worked for me with this guy to enable me to focus on some new markets. Little did I know he had been looking around for a while and left a few weeks ago only 3 weeks after he joined me.
So this has now left me trying to break into 2 new markets plus do my other stuff on my own. It has also left me with a huge hole in filling the forecast now. I am a bit pissed really as the guy I swapped has continued to do well and is ahead of target. Timing is everything I guess!
After a long meeting in the morning and then another one later in the day I had the chance to ask which date my MD and Director had set up for meeting the woman offering transition support. It seems that it is set for next Thursday. I then said we should meet the following day to implement the plan.
We then got into the same BS we had been before so I told them either this is going to be managed and I go full time on 27th September or unmanaged and I turn up on that day full time as me, but either way that was the day.
The usual crap about not enough time, worried about the impact on the business, worried it will effect orders, they need to have long enough to stop it effecting orders, they have to think of everyone in the company and their livelihoods, etc etc.
I said again that if they start putting time in now then if it’s managed it will not be a problem, but if they don’t it may be.
They then said that they have to balance all the immediate requirements and while they were trying to put time in, getting orders was the most important thing etc.
I was getting a bit pissed off and said I was already being generous and I know of several people who have transitioned in less than 1 month successfully. I went on to say that I gave a 3 month window to allow them time, but so far we have just started week 6 and other than at last making an arrangement to see the consultant I suggested, they had not done anything. I urged them to put focus on it for the next 8 weeks to ensure it’s a success.
I also reminded them I had not told my best friend and his family about me yet because they know so many people I work with. But I also told them that would change soon, as around 6th / 7th of September I will tell them as my wife has her 40th birthday party on the 11th September and they would obviously see me.
I reminded them that at this time it will come out in an unmanaged fashion, and so they should make this a priority.
My director was about to carry on with delay tactics but looked at my MD who nodded and said that we should wait till after their meeting with the consultant and then see where we go.
They then asked if I was committed to the company etc.
I told them I was and was surprised they had asked that. I also told them I felt they were worrying too much about losing orders and that things will be ok if we work together on this.
Then at that moment my MD pulled a letter out from Leicester University. He then told me he got this strange letter being asked to be a referee for my enrolment onto the counselling course. He had underlined a paragraph.
He asked me what the course was and why I was on it. What were my long term plans etc. (To say I was pissed at the university sending this letter is an understatement at this delicate time!)
I told him this was a personal development thing and that I wanted to help others who were having a hard time like I had been having.
He then asked about the time involved and how it would impact my work. I told him it wouldn’t.
He then read out the following paragraph and I quote from the letter from my university.
“Training as a counsellor or psychotherapist is demanding intellectually, emotionally and socially. It is impossible to teach counselling without impinging on the personal development and lives of participants. Some students find this process intrusive, painful, disturbing and unbearable. Some chose to leave as a result of this, but some do not have the self awareness to recognise that they may be unable to benefit from the course. Therefore it is essential that a screening process is built into the course to ensure that only students who are suitable for the type of teaching and learning that is offered on the programme are accepted.”
I sat there thinking WTF!
So I told him that he didn’t need to write a reference and they must have sent it to him by mistake. I explained that nearly everyone on the course is in full time work and that it would not affect my work.
He then asked me how many hours it was.
At this stage I was getting pissed off in a big way. I told him it was really nothing to do with him. It was a personal course in personal time and so was really none of his business. I also explained I had mentioned to both my Director and our financial Director I was on this course. My Director then said he didn’t realise it was so intense and may affect me so much!
I told him if he didn’t want to give a reference that was fine but I would be both surprised and disappointed if he refused to (I thought maybe attack was the best form of defence at this stage.)
After a while more I took a copy of the letter and told him to forget it, and that I would talk to the university to arrange another reference.
I was a little angry on the way home and even more pissed off when I got home and realised that it was my fault. I had put my work details in the wrong box! Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.
I had to take the dog for a long walk around the lake tonight to calm myself down.
I now realise just why I was dreading this part so much. I am 10 out of 10 on the stress front today.
I am really hoping that over the coming weeks I can find a way to negotiate an exit. I just can’t see myself handling going through this in such a visible and high pressured role, and indeed one I am hating doing.
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

A nice surprise when I got home

2010-07-25T11:02:00.001-07:00

We are all back in Leicester now after a lovely week away.
It was sad to leave Cromer as we had a wonderful week there. I have spent a lot of time there growing up as my parents had a caravan there for many years. Many happy memories held in my memory banks.
I think the thought of coming home was made worse with what’s in store for the next couple of months. But hey ho it will all be history soon!
One bit of good news when I got home was that I had an envelope marked for Ms Lisa ..........
I opened it and it was a copy of a letter sent to my GP from the Gender clinic.
It states that they are happy to support a diagnosis of gender identity disorder, with entry into their two year programme.
It requests my GP take full blood tests for a whole host of things plus BMI, Blood pressure and cardiovascular status. It also asks for a cursory genital examination (for future surgery). Yippee
One happy girl here now. :-D
So after a week of drinking far too much I am now going to be tee total for a while so my liver results don’t come back pickled! Hopefully that will help me loose the 2 pounds I put on while away to. :- )
It goes on to say that they will prescribe hormones when I am full time.
I am part time now basically everywhere but work, but they do insist on being full time before prescribing them on this side of the pond.
I am hoping I get a good night’s sleep tonight in preparation for a busy week at work.
I have posted some pictures of our holiday. These are all in Cromer and the 2 we are standing high up are on the top of the tower in Cromer Church. All 172 steps of the high spiral stone staircase. We counted every step up and down. The lady at the bottom of the bell tower was so nice. We chatted for ages.
The pier you can see is Cromer pier. There is a decent bar at the end of the pier now and they have summer plays on at the small theatre there.
It’s a quaint old fashioned sea side town but one I love.

A need to be grounded

2010-07-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

I am here on holiday, late at night and my family are all in bed.
After another good day as me in Norwich shopping, I am feeling low.
I have no right to at all.
I have come a long way. My wife is still my best friend even if our relationship is changing. My kids are all close and are now completely comfortable with me out and about. They all see how easily I slip into my natural role and how well people accept me.
So why do I feel low.
Is it the thought of my holiday ending and going back to the work transition thing?
Am I not strong enough to do this?
I am scared admittedly.
Mainly about 2 things. Work is the first and Guilt is the second. Guilt for my children and my wife.
They are adapting to the changes but bizarrely it seems I am having a harder time. I am so worried about the changes that are going on that it’s giving me a lot of stress.
My wife is now moving on slowly and she is looking forward. This needs to be the subject of another blog but basically she is starting to date again. Its early stages, one meeting and a lot of texting but she is looking forward.
It’s the first time in ages I have seen her so enthused and happy. Looking forward to possibilities rather than worrying about my transition.
I will write again about this but it is relevant I feel to how I am feeling now.
I hate to admit it but I have been struggling with the realisation that everything in my life is about to change. I mean everything. It’s so bizarre because I knew it would. I expected it. I told everyone it would but now it’s here it’s still a shock.
I will lose my wife as a wife. Hopefully not as a best friend but certainly as a wife.
My kids now all see me as woman. They call me Lisa 80 % of the time. They refer to me in the correct pronouns.
But my relationship is changing with them in a huge way.
My relationship with my Mum, dad, sister, brother and everyone else I know is and has changed
But it is so scary. I am not sure I have read about these feelings before and so wanted to be honest with myself and everyone else.
I kind of wonder if I have lost myself in all this.
I don’t know quite where to ground myself and how to relate to everyone. It’s all so new.
I feel free of GD but totally consumed with other stresses.
If the truth be known I have had feelings occasionally over the last few days about ending things. They haven’t been as bad as in the past but I have wondered about it.
Our last day here tomorrow and I hope it’s a good one, stress free.
I am going to need all my mental strength at work when I get back. I haven’t been able to get it completely from my mind and have been playing back in my mind the various conversations we have had with the board.
Wow this whole thing is so damn hard. I fucking hate it. I am struggling to contain the tears.
I guess having done my first module in counselling I should let them flow and acknowledge them.
x

Our Vacation

2010-07-21T15:14:00.000-07:00

Well I am writing this blog from Sunny Cromer in Norfolk.
We have been blessed with great weather so far and have managed 3 beach days, including sun burn!
I have braved the North Sea (admittedly with my wet suit on over my swimsuit!) and the kids have done the same.
They have enjoyed rock pools, arcades and the mini fair this town has to offer. (My son being 11 nearly 12 tries to hide his pleasure at the mini rides on offer as it would not be cool to do anything else lol)
I have been me the whole time from getting home Friday night and have not had an issue anywhere.
The kids are getting used to calling me Lisa when out and about, which reduces any chance of me being outed.
I feel so at home everywhere I go and am even gaining some confidence when I have to talk with people. (That said I think I need a couple of voice coaching lessons.)
The funniest thing was today at the mini fair on the promenade here, all 3 of my kids were on the mini egg cup ride and I was about to take a photo of them. The man who was running the rides told my kids to look at MUM so I could take the photo. We all smiled, even my wife!
We visited Great Yarmouth yesterday and spent the day on the funfair and walking around the town. It was the ideal day, blue skies with a few clouds and a comfortable warm temperature.
I took the kids for a game of putting today at the putting green. After 9 holes my youngest went to sit with Mum. After 11 holes my other daughter sat with MUM. After 13 holes I was on my own playing with all 4 balls!!
I couldn’t believe it. I remember vividly playing putting for hours with my brother, sister and Dad when I was a kid! We all loved it. Seems it is not passed down in the genes.
Tomorrow we are getting the train to Norwich as I haven’t been there for years. Hopefully it will be another good day.
I mentioned my wife was not sure if she would come or not in the last blog, but I think she is glad she has.
Her and all 3 of my kids have seen that they have no need to worry when they are with me as I really have not had 1 problem at all.
It has given them all a lot of confidence.
The kids all refer to me in the female tense now and I am so happy they are dealing so well with it.
I have a feeling this could be the last family holiday we all have together with both my wife and I here together so it is pleasing we are having a good one.

Not sure what the next few months hold on many fronts and when I get back I will write more about some of the changes in my relationship with my wife.
One thing is for sure and that is that I am not missing the stress of coming out at work one little bit.

Another brief meeting at work and our holiday

2010-07-16T15:51:00.001-07:00

I had a brief meeting with my Director today to hand him my letter explaining that I want to hold my time frame indicated in my plan, and see no reason if they put some time in that it can’t be achieved.
He waffled on saying he could not agree to any time frame at the moment blah blah.
He said the company would review things over the next couple of weeks and after meeting the lady who I recommended.
I told him that in fact the time frame was my decision and not there’s. Currently I can see no reason why in 11 more weeks we can’t get things sorted to hold my plan.
My counsellor in fact supported 2 people through 3 week transitions quite successfully!
I know all our circumstances and jobs are different but I can’t see a good reason why we can’t do this in line with my plan unless they want to delay things.
Anyway I am on holiday from tomorrow for a week and thank god. The last 3 weeks has been rather stressful trying to get all this sorted out. I really am not looking forward to coming back to work at all.
So tonight we have been busy packing cases and loading the car up for out week’s holiday in Norfolk. We are staying at my brother in laws house.
Thankfully it has internet access so I should be able to keep in touch.
I have packed my case and as Caroline and Lucy both know firsthand, I like to go prepared. I am embarrassed to say how many pairs of shoes I have packed and 4 handbags!!
This will be the longest my wife and kids have seen me out and about nonstop. My kids seem ok about it but my wife was worried a bit.
There have been a few challenges going on in our relationship which I have not really blogged about. This has been for 2 reasons. The first is I was trying to work them through and the second has been with the stress at work I have not had much time to write about them.
I am hoping next week while I am away to be able to get my thoughts down here.
But basically my wife has been struggling, to the extent that it was only yesterday that she was definitely going to come away with us for a week. At one stage when the kids thought she wasn’t coming I thought I would be on my own. :- (
Anyhow I will try to write about that over the next few days.
x

Finally a meeting at work

2010-07-15T15:12:00.000-07:00

Well I managed to get a meeting with both our MD and my Director today.
We sat down and started to discuss things a bit. They then handed me a letter which stated that they do intend to support me but can’t adhere to my timeframe.
I didn’t have a chance to read it all there, but we chatted for a while.
They have made contact with my counsellor and are waiting to meet her in a couple of weeks to consider her for transition support.
They talked a lot about the need for more time and their surprise etc.
I explained that it is also difficult for me and that if we do put the time in now we can easily meet my time frame.
They agreed to meet again when I get back from my week away.
When I got home I read the letter and was disappointed that the time they proposed to make a decision on a plan was September 7th and then move from there. It goes on to say they will discuss it at the board meeting on August 5th and then because of holidays they have to wait until September 7th to make a decision and agree a time frame.
I am not comfortable with that at all.
It would mean this is likely to go on until November. So I have written a response saying that I appreciate their support and efforts but can’t see any reason why they feel they need to wait until September to make a decision.
I feel they are buying time and if left to them this thing will go at a snail’s pace.
I have suggested after that board meeting we take the bull by the horns (not those words) and make this happen within the following 7 weeks in line with my timing plan.
I also state that I intend unless a very good reason can be given to meet my timing plan.
I will give them this tomorrow before I go away for a week’s holiday.
So I guess in summary a step forward and a step backwards!
In other news I have packed 90 % of my stuff for next week in Norfolk.
I am really looking forward to a whole week as me. The only thing I am not looking forward to is not being able to wear a swimming costume on the beach. Swimming trunk shorts will feel really strange. So apart from the beach bit I will be me for the whole week. Yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
xx

I handed over my transition and timing plan

2010-07-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

I managed to get a meeting with my Director on Tuesday morning after calling him Monday to ask for a 30 minute meeting.
He managed to spend just under 7 minutes and a minute of that he was on the phone.
I handed him my timing time plan on which I had listed the steps we need to take to manage the announcement of my transition and put a time frame for each of the steps.
It showed when I first told them and each meeting that has happened so far. It also shows my recommended steps moving forward, including them contacting a specialist outside person to help and advice.
It proposes my full time date as Monday 27th September.
I have booked the week previous to this off already and do have a spare weeks holiday left which I have proposed to take the week before that. This means my last day presenting as a Male would be Friday 10th September.
I will take the 2 weeks off and then return as me.
I guess shopping for work clothes amongst other document changes will be in order!
He looked at the plan and read the steps.
I explained that I wanted to meet with him and my MD on Thursday / Friday when our MD is back. He then told me that he was out on Thursday and tied up on Friday.
I said no problem I will meet with our MD myself. I also told him that whatever happens those dates are fixed so if no meeting is held than another week has gone with no agreement.
I am away for a week at my Brother In laws house on the coast next week, so I explained that if we do not meet before that then I definitely want a meeting the week after.
I know how things work at my place and so now they can see my plan with dates on it, it will ramp up the pressure to a degree that they have to do something.
I am doing it in a friendly but businesslike way just as I would with a customer. Pointing out the risks if actions are not taken in a timely fashion etc, but also showing the benefits if we do this properly.
The sooner I get a true picture as to their intentions the better. If they are not on board with this then having a final cut of date will force other possible outcomes and focus minds.
I hate to approach this in such a calculated way but I can’t see any other way of showing them that it will happen and they must come to the table and join the party!
After he left to go to a meeting I made my way to a couple of meetings with customers. I stayed away overnight as they were on the South coast and I managed to meet with my counsellor for dinner. She really is a wonderful woman and has a lovely sense of humour.
It gave me the chance to chat through what’s happened so far along with a few other things.
I also realised last night that the only time I feel self conscious when out is when I have to speak.
Finding the right voice to suit me is a challenge and I am starting to put more time into it now. That said I don’t let this stop me from talking!
We will see what tomorrow brings when our MD is back.

Second Blog

2010-07-11T13:30:00.000-07:00

I have posted a second blog on my account.
This is because now my blog is private any updates I post will not appear on your dashboards and so you will not know when I have posted.
I will post on my second blog to let you know I have an update to read.
If you could follow this new blog then it will help you know when I have posted.
Thanks for following.
x

Another week at work and no further forward

2010-07-10T15:42:00.000-07:00

I had a meeting with my Director on Friday and after we had finished talking about some issues to do with business I asked for an update as to where he was with getting in touch with the independent consultant he mentioned.
It seems he has not found anyone yet. So basically nothing has happened at all really.
I pushed him as to why he has not contacted the person I recommended. He said he would rather understand the issue before getting in touch with her.
I explained it may take a long time for him to understand this condition and that I couldn’t wait that long. I explained that the lady I recommended would help his understanding significantly. I also assured him that there was no agenda to me recommending her. I explained it represented the best option for us to get through this successfully.
He said he has been trying to spend time thinking about it but he has many other issues to deal with.
Me being my normal pushy self told him I understood that but I couldn’t wait much longer to agree some dates and a plan.
He said he couldn’t handle this on his own and would ask our MD to get involved, and that he would talk to him on Monday after his week’s holiday.
I told him I had checked and it is my understanding that he was not back till Thursday. I went on to say I was surprised he did not know that. He claimed he didn’t.
I said I wanted a meeting with them both on Thursday to discuss this and agree a plan and dates. I am away for a week’s holiday the week after that and if I don’t get anything agreed then, it will be another week lost.
He went on to say that he was worried I may not cope with all this and had I thought it through. He said that once I tell someone it can’t be taken back.
I explained again that this will be happening and I knew what I was doing. I told him I knew it was difficult for him and others but they have to come to terms with it or at least they are going to have to live with it.
I explained that I would ideally like them to be accepting and approve, but if they weren’t it does not matter as I am not after their approval or permission.
He asked If I had a plan and I outlined again my thoughts on telling department managers and key customers in the run up to an agreed date, I explained I would take a couple of weeks of after we had told the rest of our company and then come back as me.
He said that was what I had mentioned before which it was. He said did I have any other ideas.
I said no but if you do I am happy to listen to them.
It went on a bit more and then I had to leave for an appointment.
Now I know it’s only been 2 weeks so far but I really feel nothing has changed at work at all yet. I am also very aware of how manipulative our senior team can be when they need to.
In difficult situations they often delay things and procrastinate hoping something else will happen and they won’t have to act. They almost ignore things sometimes but they should know me well enough to understand when I want or need something I do make it happen.
Half of me says give them some more time and the other half says no just push it hard now and show them that it will happen with or without their support.
They can sometimes surprise you and have been known on many occasions to do the right thing, but often I have also seen their ruthless approach all be it very pleasant in its appearance to orchestrate an outcome.
Basically I guess I don’t really trust them.
I have decided now that I am going to write a plan and give them a timing plan in much the same way I would put a plan to a customer and negotiate a way forward.
I think If I force an end date and write a plan of actions that need to happen in the run up they will either get their act together or make me some kind of offer which to be honest may suit me.
I am hoping to see my counsellor on Tuesday night and will go through this with her in case my enthusiasm is making me push this too hard to quickly.
I have to say I wish we had a HR department so I didn’t have to do all this. It is damn stressful really on top of everything else.

I am going to go to a private blog

2010-07-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

I am unfortunately going to make my blog a private blog from tomorrow.
As many of you know I am negotiating with my work place to go full time and am a little concerned that although unlikely someone who I know reads my blog which could compromise me.
I am hoping that I can keep all my friends on board but to enable me to give you access I believe I need your email addresses. It would seem that I can’t just automatically set it up on blogger.
For any poor soul who wishes to keep following my blog, send me your email addresses I will add you to the private blog
I am sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.
Once my work is sorted out one way or the other I will hopefully make my blog public again.
Lisa x

A late night out with friends

2010-07-08T13:25:00.001-07:00

I went out with my wife on Saturday night as my parents had the kids for the night.
We have not been to a group meeting for months and really wanted to see everyone again to catch up.
So after we dropped the kids around my Mums at 6.30PM we headed off to an Indian Restaurant. We were both dressed up a bit as we were planning to go to a night club to finish of the night.
We sat down at the table and enjoyed a wonderful meal at a great restaurant. We had to wait a while for the food to come but it was worth the wait. Makes me hungry thinking about it. :- )
It was the first time my wife and I had been out for dinner, just the 2 of us together while I was able to be myself. It went so smoothly that it made her feel completely at ease to.
Due to the wait we were a little late to the group meeting but we had a good time catching up with some friends there. After it finished we went to a LGBT pub in the centre of Leicester and had a few drinks. There was a group of about 9 of us there. My wife and I along with 2 other girls went on to a nightclub. We had a great night and my wife really got on well with one of the girls who is full time. She is a real character, funny but also a bit zany. She is very laid back and we both enjoyed her company. I had seen her before but had never managed to get to know her. I am so glad I did this time.
We got a Taxi back at 3.45 AM and arrived home at 4.15 AM. We walked down our drive way as the sun was coming up. I haven’t done that since I was a teenager!
We will have to try to have another night like that soon.
My wife is out now telling one of her friends about me. She is also telling another one of her friends tomorrow. Both these friends have kids at my daughter’s junior school so I really hope it goes well and they don’t cause any problems. I am trying to think positively at the moment.
My next door neighbours are also going to explain to their 2 kids about what is going on when they go on holiday in a week’s time. They will be away for 2 weeks but when they come back then obviously it will start to come out to other kids around here also.
All this has left me feeling guilty in case my kids have any problems. They don’t seem too worried at the moment but I am now it is all so close.
There is other stuff going on to but I will try to blog about that over the weekend.

A long day and fear

2010-07-06T14:07:00.001-07:00

It’s been a long day today. I had to get to the airport for a flight to Ireland at 7.15 AM so I got up at 4.30AM.
But I also didn’t sleep very well last night. I seemed to have lots going around in my head so I reckon at most I managed 2 hours. I kept worrying about how things will turn out at work. I think this has been brought on by them going to an independent consultant, at least initially, rather than my counsellor who I recommended. I can’t help but feel this is not a good sign.
I started to imagine worst case scenarios and just couldn’t shake them from my mind. I know there is no point in panicking and what will be will be now but I couldn’t shake the fear.
And I guess fear is what I am feeling a bit lately. And this is related to going full time at work. I am really worried how things are going to go externally when full time and am still not sure in my gut how this is going to pan out with the Directors.
But I guess deep breaths are called for, a long jog tomorrow to get rid of some of my stress and a good night’s sleep after arriving home at 9.30PM.
Maybe I will feel more positive tomorrow and hopefully I won’t have fear running through my mind keeping me awake.

3rd appointment at the Gender Clinic

2010-07-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

Today I had my 3rd meeting at the Nottingham Gender Clinic.
My Director had given me the day off so I was not rushing around and stressed as Mondays are the busiest days of the week.
We arrived a little early so went for a walk in the park and ate some sandwiches. At 1.00PM we got to the clinic and then went in to meet both the doctors who had seen me before. They are both nice people and do make you feel relaxed.
My wife was the main focus of the meeting today and they opened up by asking my wife what she thought she was there for.
She made us all laugh when she said “to tell you that Lisa is not mad!”
I nearly laughed my head off.
Anyway they asked her about her experiences with me; how she felt about my transition and her opinions as to if she felt that I was on the right path.
We talked about our children and families and I informed them about my announcement to work and sorting out going full time.
The hour went really quickly.
Towards the end one of the doctors said he was very impressed with our approach to my transition and the open nature of our communication. He also appreciated the way we had negotiated time frames and steps to get where we are. The other doctor then agreed.
They could see I was just going to ask about hormones again and they explained that they knew it was important to me. They said they could not make a decision alone as there will be a review meeting with the other 5 members of the team there in 2 weeks time.
He said he could not give me a decision on the outcome of that meeting but he was generally very impressed with where I am.
He said he would write a letter to me and my GP after the review meeting and that he would request that my GP take blood tests to get base levels etc.
In that letter he will also confirm my next appointment. Due to holidays etc he said that may be 8 – 10 weeks away, but that is about what I expected to be honest.
I called my Director tonight to catch up on a few things. I also wanted to speak to him to see how the meeting went with the board today.
He said that they were all a bit surprised still but were going to get some independent advise from someone outside as they obviously have not had to deal with anything like this before.
I asked if he meant legal advice to which he said no just advice on how to handle things.
I asked why he wouldn’t consider calling my counsellor who specialises in transition at work support and he said they may do, but initially wanted some independent advice.
I will speak to him towards the end of the week to see how things are going.
I am expecting to have a meeting with them next week to go through things.

Actions speak louder than words

2010-07-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

I seem to have read a lot of blogs recently discussing labels and names on how to describe ourselves and how to differentiate ourselves.
I know defining who we are is important but all these arguments giving people complexes about whether they fit criteria to fit into category A or Category B etc seem a little strange to me.
I feel actions and feelings are much more important than words and names.
You know how you feel and other people can see how you act. Surely this is the best way to demonstrate who you are.
Trying to fit into a criteria that someone has created can be hard.
I know who I am now, and I am me. A woman born in a male body.
That will be corrected as best as modern technology allows, but technology alone does not mean I am a woman. Just having surgery does not change who I am.
I will act and be true to myself from now on in. If for some reason I cannot have surgery I am still me the same woman I would be if I do have surgery.
"And this above all unto thine own self be true and it shall follow as the day the night - thou can'st not then be false to any man." - William Shakespeare

Informing the schools

2010-07-01T15:18:00.001-07:00

I called my Daughters school this morning and spoke to the school head. I told her I wanted to meet and explain some personal things that may or may not impact on my daughters. She suggested she had time to meet over lunch time and so I went to meet her at 12.45.
I explained what has been going on and that I wanted her to be armed with this information in case when I go full time (likely September / Early October) my daughters have any issue with other children.
We had a good chat and she was very professional. She said she would watch out for any issues. She did say that if any problem was to happen she felt it was more likely to come from the parents in the school yard bringing kids into it rather than the children themselves.
She is probably right to. Children are generally fine until some bigoted parents start changing their minds.
But that said I don’t really interact with many parents there and because of work don’t get the chance to go to the school too often. The ones I do know are nice people and I can’t see a major problem from them. I also have no intention of making this a big issue so it may hopefully not become one.
But at least if it does become a problem the school will be prepared.
I also called my sons school head at the secondary school. He is a busy man as it is a large school. He even has a PA!
His PA said she would like to help and direct the call to someone else who could help. I explained that was not an option and that I wanted to speak to him as it was personal.
He called me this evening and asked if we could discuss it over the phone. So that's what we did.
Again he was professional and appreciated my honesty, and being given notice. I have sent him quite a few leaflets that GIRES have written for schools and a link to their web site. He gave me his personal email address and he has my mobile number. He asked if in the new school Year (September) I would give permission for my son’s year head and class teacher to be made aware (Nobody else) and assured me that it would remain confidential.
I agreed as they will be in good positions to discreetly make sure everything’s ok.
I will let them both know as and when an exact date is agreed but if the truth be known I am spending more and more time as me even around where we live so people may gossip well in advance of me going full time.
I am naturally a confident person and good with people. I don’t often let myself get nervous and do try to control my emotions when in challenging situations. But that said although I was calm on the outside doing this I do have a lot of emotions running underneath. I guess it’s the fight or flight response. (Wouldn’t it be lovely to just run away from all this sometimes and start afresh somewhere else!)
Normally at the end of the day when I think back I can feel the emotions and tension inside from whatever has been going on that day. And with transition these emotions are strong.
I know I need to remain strong over the next few months and I also know I can do this. But I really wish I didn’t have to.
A song I am in love with at the moment is Eminem – Not Afraid. There is some swearing in it but I do love it. I quite like the video as well. When I watch it I kind of get a buzz and a lift.
I hope you like it

All our company Directors now know

2010-06-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

I went out with our Technical Director yesterday who is actually my direct manager.
Our MD had told him on Monday about my plans so I was a little nervous as to how the day would be. We were travelling to a couple of appointments together and so had a long time to talk.
As well as the usual business discussions we talked a lot about my transition.
He was a quite surprised when he heard the news but said he was glad that he knew before we went out today as it gave him time to get his thoughts in order.
He asked lots of questions which I was happy to answer as he genuinely wants to understand I think. He did seem concerned that I hadn’t thought this all through but when he understood what has been going on he appreciated why I have to do this.
When we got back he assured me that he was ok with things and would help ensure everything would be ok. He did make me laugh though as he said it would take him a little time to call me Lisa but he would soon get used to it.
I urged him to contact my counsellor who also offers transition support to companies. This helps the company plan the correct way to ensure a smooth transition for us all. He confirmed he would do that.
He did say he wondered if I would wait to do this transition in a time frame that was slow enough to make sure it was smooth. I told him I was happy to agree time frame but could not envisage any reason whatsoever that this could not be done within a 3 month window. I did make it clear in a very purposeful but friendly manner that this thing will not go away, will not be swept under the carpet and will not be something I would consider waiting until next year for. I think as he came to understood what I have been through so far he could understand this very well.
I am quite sure that if he does contact my counsellor and talks about some of the successful transitions that have occurred that some of his natural worries will disappear.
He also suggested that he tell our Financial Director that evening instead of me. I was happy to go with this as they know each other very well.
When I saw our FD today we were just on the shop floor He said he had heard the news and that he was shocked initially but he understood how difficult this was for me and he would support this. I thanked him for that. Just then people were all around so the conversation ended. We did have a couple of project meetings later on with others and they were completely normal with no unease at all.
So I guess so far so good at work.
My wife also told one of her friends today about things. She was really nervous and I do feel guilty for putting her through this. But it seems that when she did tell her friend it went quite well. She told my wife that she would be happy to talk anytime and that they should go out for a drink.
She was obviously happy it went so well and hopefully as she tells some of her other friends next week and over the following week’s things will work out ok for her.
I am going to the Gender clinic on Monday for my 3rd appointment. They have asked if I can ideally bring my wife with me but failing that another close relative. My wife has agreed to come with me although she is a little nervous. I have told her that they are nice people and not to worry but she is still a little concerned.
My boss has said it would be fine if I don’t come to work on Monday as I told him I was going. This will hopefully give me time to go to the children’s schools and tell the head teachers what is going on. I will call the schools tomorrow to try to get the meetings arranged.

Proof that Lampard did not score against Germany!

2010-06-29T14:56:00.000-07:00

Here you go, conclusive proof that has been issued by FIFA showing that the Lampard effort against Germany was definately not a goal! (Thanks Simone for posting this!)

Last night at college and more people knowing

2010-06-28T15:48:00.001-07:00

Tonight I attended college for the last of the sessions in this term.
It has been a thoroughly enjoyable course and I have learned a lot and grown as a result of it. It felt quite an emotional jolt that it has come to an end. I feel that I have grown close to everyone on the course. It’s a real shame, but half of the people on this first module will not be taking it further. I will miss the ones that won’t be coming back.
It was also sad in that this was the last ever lesson our tutor will teach as he is retiring. We all signed a card for him and shared how we felt about him. He said, and I genuinely think he meant it, that our group and the dynamic of it was different to the norm. He said we had bonded in a way that he hasn’t seen before. I have to agree with him.
In fact most members of the group felt the same
After the session we all went for a quick drink at the pub and we exchanged phone numbers and email addresses. As people left we hugged and said goodbye which was a little sad.
That said I have a made a few friends I am seeing over the summer to share a coffee with and a night organised with a couple of the girls for a curry. Yum Yum.
On the way into work today I had a text from our MD asking if it was ok to talk to another Director about my transition before I went out with him tomorrow. I was out of the office until very late in the day today so I called him to say if he felt that was the right thing to do then I was ok with it. I am not quite sure why he felt this was the best approach but I hope it was in a positive way.
I had planned to tell him tomorrow myself as we are spending the day together travelling to a couple of meetings but I guess it still gives me the opportunity to discuss things with him, and at least he will be prepared to some degree.
I think it will be an interesting day.
Wednesday I will tell our Financial Director.
I am feeling nervous and relaxed at the same time. It’s strange really but I am still worried as to how things will go at work but am glad I have set the ship sailing. I guess all I can do now is turn the rudder and steer the ship as best I can. If the waves and storms are to strong then maybe my course will alter but at least I am sailing, have left port and am on my way to new life.
My wife is also planning to tell some of her friends this weekend. She is really nervous and is feeling the strain of this. I know she shouldn’t be but I can understand how she feels. So I think I am going to have to get to the schools very soon as once this wider circle of friends know the news will spread like wildfire.
After speaking to my Mum tonight it would seem that my Brother has told a lot of his friends and his wife’s family also.
I think the number of people that know now is growing exponentially. I honestly don’t care. In fact it is great that I don’t have to keep telling people.
For me I have a couple of close people to tell and then handle coming out to the masses internally and externally at work.
Then I can sail free.
This is what I am trying to think of.

BBQ and Inpirational Video

2010-06-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

I spent today at a BBQ that my brother had. His wife and children were there as were my parents and sister and brother in law.
It was a pleasant day with blue skies and a hot temperature. In fact it was so nice that most of the day was spent in the garden.
I did have a little worry as to what to wear though. My niece and nephew have not been told by my brother and sister in law yet so I had to put up with feminine androgynous clothes. That said it really didn’t spoil the day. My brother and Dad and brother in law went to the pub (didn’t even ask me as it was a boys drink LOL) and it gave me a good chance to talk to my sister.
She suffers from anxiety attacks so we had a good chat about how she is feeling.
We also talked about plenty of other things and my sister made me smile. She said “I wish I had you as an older sister when I was younger” 
My brother has invited my son over next weekend which I am sure he will enjoy. I think my brother is going to make a big effort to spend more time with my kids but especially my son who gets on really well with his son.
I think this is a positive thing as it does give my son someone to talk to about things in case he doesn’t feel he can talk to me about any concerns etc.
I managed to catch some of the USA V Ghana match and my commiserations to my American Friends. It was a great match to watch and could have gone either way.
I also wanted to post the attached inspirational video that left me grateful for everything I do have. Thank you Anji for posting it today. I hope you don’t mind me posting it as well. It really is so great that I wanted to share it also.

I told our Managing Director today

2010-06-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

After breakfast this morning and before I left for work I checked my emails and printed off a couple of copies of my letter to work explaining what was going on.
I took them with me to the office just in case I needed them. I think I really wanted to let work know ASAP as the worry over doing it will be hanging over me until I have done it.
After lunch our MD came back and we had a little chat as he often comes to see how things are going. I asked him if he had any time next week for a chat and he said why don’t we have a chat now.
I said I would be up to see him in 5 minutes. I quickly tried to get my thoughts together and got the letter out. I went and made us both a mug of tea and went up to see him.
I then opened up and basically told him what has been going on for the last few years and that my next step is to go full time. He asked me if I was happy at the company to which I replied yes.
He then went on to say that he didn’t have a problem with it as long as it didn’t affect my job. He said in his opinion that most people at our company would be fine with it.
We discussed a few options in ways we may handle things and the approximate timeframe. I explained I would not want to wait more than 2 – 3 months but was happy to agree something to enable us to make a smooth transition for me and the people at work.
I have given him the name of my counsellor who also offers transition support for companies to help them plan and implement the transition. I am hoping that he calls her as I think it would be a benefit for us both.
We agreed that on Tuesday when I am out with one of the other Directors that I will tell him. On Wednesday I will probably tell our financial director also.
That will allow me then to plan with the board the timing and procedure for coming out internally and externally.
He was as good as I could have hoped for and that has given me hope that I can transition at work successfully. He said he admired me and that I was key to the success of the company.
He did ask how I was and my family. I didn’t go into a lot of detail but enough to show him that I am not going to be a burden and in fact expect things to carry on as normal other than a slight distraction for a couple of months while we go through the process.
So I guess I am one happy girl at the moment.
I feel so much better than I did before I did it.
As great as things went I still had a nervous energy when I get home. I often have this after major events and have found I need to get rid of it to help me on an even keel. So when I got home I got into my running gear and my dog and I went for a 5 mile run. It made me feel better about having the Chinese takeaway we have just eaten!
Now I am celebrating with a couple of glasses of Chardonnay. :- )

Arranging a meeting to inform work

2010-06-24T14:04:00.000-07:00

I finished work tonight and popped into have my face zapped again. 15 minutes on the bed and all that nasty hair was gone again. I was thinking back to the last time I shaved. It was just before my Birthday last October. It sure feels great after all that laser and electrolysis to be near the end of it.
When I got home I quickly had tea and then chatted with my counsellor. The main topic was about my worries about coming out at work and discussing the best way to do it.
I always enjoy talking to her as she is very experienced in issues related to Transsexual people. In fact she also offers transition support to companies and that is something I will mention to my employer.
I have the letter written now and will be talking to our MD tomorrow to arrange a meeting next week to let him know what is going on. If this goes well then hopefully we can agree a suitable time frame to enable us to manage this change into my role at work.
I am ready to do this but am worried as most of you know.
In other news I managed to finish the first of my 2 assignments for this module of the counselling course. This first one was to summarise my reflective learning journal and experiences of the course, as well as personal growth and objectives for my future.
This leaves me with one left to do in the next 2 weeks. I do love the course but I will be glad when these are finished.
I am also on a diet and have limited my portion size as well as watching the types of foods I eat. Snacks and chocolates have gone out of the window (except for a lovely Thornton’s coffee chocolate bar that I treat myself to 1 piece to every few days!)
I want to drop a dress size if possible. I also think it will be easier for me to lose it now than it will be when I start hormones. Mind you I do want enough fat to make my bum a bit bigger as well as my breasts!

Finalised the letter to give to my employer

2010-06-23T15:14:00.000-07:00

I have been working on a letter to my work, to leave with them when I tell them about my transition. I sent a copy to my counsellor who had previously given me some advice on what to include and what not to.
She recommended some minor changes which I have adopted and now I am happy with the wording. It is written in a quite professional manner without leaving me exposed should they want to use anything against me.
I would also like to thank Lori who helped by sending me some recommendations as well.
I am having a chat with my counsellor tomorrow and will start thinking about when to tell the owner of our company.
I have been feeling on an even keel after the strange anxiety I had when I got back from France. My wife and I are also getting on really well.
We have been talking about her having some freedom now to find someone new in her life. I think she is feeling optimistic about the future and so she seems in a happy place right now.
I am ready to let her go and enjoy herself. It seems only fair. I know I will be a little jealous but I really hope she finds a nice fun man to be with.
It is strange but she does ask me now on my opinion on men and also asks if I fancy them or would go out with them. It’s really quite fun. I guess it shows how well we still get on but also that we are more like very close friends / sisters than a married couple.
She has agreed that she is happy for me to tell the school headmaster at both the junior and senior schools so I will be doing this before the summer break in 3 weeks.

Correctly gendered while dressed in drag!

2010-06-21T14:58:00.000-07:00

Well today on the way to work I had to go to the refuse tip to get rid of some bags of rubbish.
As you know I am not full time yet as work don’t know so I was dressed in shirt and tie, with my ever growing hair brushed back to look as masculine as possible.
I drove in and there was a lot of building work going on there so I was unsure where to go. So I wound down the window and the man said “Hello Love”. I was speechless. Here was I dressed n a shirt and tie and he said that. I wondered if I had misheard! He then asked what I had to get rid of. After telling him he said “straight down there love”
Now I nearly burst out laughing. I drove down to where he said and was grateful for a wonderful start to the day.
After work I went to my Mums for a quick change and a bit of dinner. It also allowed me to give my father’s day gifts to my Dad as he spent yesterday playing golf. We shared a hug and he thanked me for his aftershave and chocolates.
Then off to do our practice counselling exam at university.
Our groups of 3 were picked randomly and I was in a group with a lovely woman and a young man. We were examined on the counselling content for a 10 minute session. We all had to play the role of counsellor, client and observer.
Each of us had selected a real area that caused us some pain and indeed we all got rather emotional in the test. It made the whole thing seem so real.
We all passed. The comments and feedback from the tutor were constructive and I know where I need to improve, but we all did well. I was lucky to share the experience with these 2 people and we all had a hug afterwards! It really is amazing how bonding sharing true feelings can be.
I got home a little earlier than usual and sat in our conservatory with my wife and shared a glass of wine. I mentioned in my last blog that I had told the last member of either of our families that didn’t know about me. Well this was my wife’s brother who I am probably closest to in her family. He happens to be a GP and took the news well really. Turns out he has worked with a couple of patients who have been through this.
But obviously this is different as my wife is his sister. I suggested to him he may want to call my wife and it seems he did today. They had quite a long chat and he was quite supportive to her which is great. He mentioned to her when they talked that someone in his wife’s family some time ago that one of them had told him before that I look quite feminine. I was a little surprised although pleasantly so.
So maybe it is true that those closest to you don’t notice changes caused by growing your hair, electrolysis etc, but new acquaintances certainly do.

Fathers day

2010-06-19T14:23:00.001-07:00

I have spent a lot of today at University. As I am doing this course on a part time basis it involves a few Saturdays in addition to Monday nights.
Today most of the time was spent practicing counselling sessions. We alternated between counsellor, client and observer.
On Monday we have a practical test which will form a large percentage of our mark for this module. The time today helped prepare us for that. I found it really useful in helping put into practice some of the skills we have learned so far.
Our tutor is a lovely gentleman who is retiring at the end of our course in 2 weeks. Over lunch today we had a little chat and he said he was really pleased to have me on the course. If fact he said it was a privilege for him to meet someone who is living there life and being true to themselves. He said that in his opinion it has changed the dynamic of our group and enabled many people to be more open and comfortable with themselves, as they had seen me being open and genuine.
I felt like giving him a hug. I think I may do on the last day!
I am really lucky with the group; they have made it quite easy for me to be myself.
I have just got off the phone from telling the only member of my wife’s family that didn’t know what was going on. He took it well and wished us both well. :- )
Tomorrow is Fathers day here. I used to worry about if I should still celebrate this or not but I am and always will be my children’s father, only with a difference. As such I am going to enjoy tomorrow and have been promised poached egg on toast by my son, who fancies himself as a chef!
I think the girls have been making me a card and I saw my wife and all the kids whispering earlier on so I think I may have a surprise!
Not that I am going to have my feet up tomorrow though as I am planning on wallpapering our conservatory.
x

Anxious feelings after France

2010-06-18T14:49:00.001-07:00

I mentioned in my last blog that on the last day of my France trip I was feeling rather anxious.
The feeling seemed to be with me all day but got worse as the day went on. At first I thought it was due to the fact I would be going through immigration and passport control on both sides of the journey as a woman with a male passport.
But that was not it to be honest. I was not really that nervous of doing this. If challenged I would have happily gone through to a private room and explained things. I am a very experienced traveller and have travelled extensively all over the East and Far East many years ago. This caused me to be in some interesting situations in various corrupt places and I kind of feel fairly comfortable travelling and adapting.
The feelings of dread and stress stayed with me all the way home and into this week. In fact on the journey home from the airport on Monday night I just had to let the emotion out and cried for 10 minutes or so on the drive home.
I have spent time this week trying to work out why I felt so down. My thoughts have primarily been around a few reasons.
The first is fear. I am ready to go full time but the major hurdle of work and the associated risk to my family if I was to lose my job looms large. In my mind I kind of put that of till after my trip. Now I am back it is imminent and in front of me. Now is the time and I am terrified.
The second reason is that I spent 4 days as me. No pretence, no stress not even a thought about gender until that last day when I knew it was coming to an end. The reality of going back to part time was 1 day away and all the reminders of the stress associated with doing this came flooding back.
The third was related to missing my family. I haven’t spent any time away from them for years other than an occasional night for work. I had spoken to them on the phone and could tell my wife was struggling. When I got home we hugged and then my wife was a little distant.
We talked on Tuesday night and she had clearly found me being away difficult. It had given her a lot of time to think about things and she has been worrying about my transition. She had so many concerns in her mind. These ranged from the impact on the kids, impact on her, the fact she felt guilty for me delaying my transition thus far for her and also anger at me for doing this.
It really is difficult for us all and I completely understand her feelings. In fact she is quite right to have them.
Please don’t think she is trying to stop me but she now sees the imminence of it all. She has seen me go away for a weekend and gain in confidence. She sees me moving on in life and she seems to be stuck where she is.
We have spoken a lot over the last few days trying to find a way through that works for us all. We are still talking now.
Since I got back and we have talked she seems a bit happier. I on the other hand am still tense. I have felt close to tears quite a few times. I am struggling to handle the day to day stresses at the minute. A little close to the edge sometimes it has to be said.
A couple of runs have helped but not really solved anything.
I have been looking at what jobs are available as I am really dreading transitioning at my work. I really feel this is the thing that is causing most of my problems. I am dreading doing this in my company. I would rather start afresh with no history, much like I am at university.
I am struggling with my level of confidence to succeed doing this at work and indeed with the hundreds of customers I and my sales team deal with in a face to face basis daily.
The final thing I am trying to balance is to get a couple of major orders out of the way. In a sales environment it can be easy to create a reason for someone to be sacked. If a couple of these projects happen when they should, then in the next 8 weeks I will be in a position that it would be difficult for them to create a reason of lack of sales until May next year when our next year starts.
On the other hand the time will never quite be right to transition and I know that. I should really just do it now and not wait.

What a lovely weekend in France

2010-06-16T11:52:00.001-07:00

What a lovely weekend in France.
After some early appointments on Friday, I made my way to Stansted airport and parked in the long stay car park. I got changed in the car into some female clothes but didn’t bother with any makeup or breast forms as I was worried a little about going through Security and immigration, with my passport in the wrong gender.
I met up with Lucy in the terminal and we checked in together. After that we went through security and passport control and then did a bit of shopping.
The plane was on time and we boarded and took off to Perpignan in France. We decided to order the travellers drink of choice and went for a double gin and tonic each. 2 hours later we arrived in France. As we were leaving the plane a kind gentleman seemed to take pity on me being a poor and weak woman and kindly got my case down for me! :- )
When we arrived in the hall to collect our bags we could see Coline (Caroline) and she gave us both a big hug. We made our way to the car and set off to the villa.
We arrived and were greeted by Colines lovely wife and her family. They made us a cup of tea and we had a chat in the late afternoon sun. We were then whisked off to see Colines exhibition which was really wonderful. She is so talented. The pictures were not only wonderful but the detail in placement and organisation was also fantastic.
Lucy and I decided to walk back to the Villa as we had been sitting all day and wanted some exercise. We only had to go up one road and still managed to get lost. A 5 minute walk turned into 45 minutes. We ended up going up a huge hill and reaching some wind turbines until we decided to go back. Too much chatting I guess.
We then were treated to a wonderful 3 course meal by a Michelin rated chef (Colines brother in law) served by her sister in law and her niece.
What a lovely evening. The wine and chat flowed all night.
Saturday we spent exploring Perpignan and shopping. We also treated ourselves to a coffee and cake. After that we went to a seaside town and after exploring the shops there finished the afternoon with a couple of glasses of wine overlooking the beach.
After getting back and changed we went to the small local cafe / bar and watched England play USA in the world cup. Coline and her wife went to see a concert which we would have also loved to see if the England match had not been on.
Sunday we spent the early part of the day on the beach, after which we visited another local town to see the flower festival. In the evening we had a wonderful meal at the beach restaurant with Coline and her wife. When we got back we drank wine and chatted until 3.00 AM!
Monday morning we visited a local market and came back to pack our cases. We were then treated to a wonderful lunch. I can honestly say I don’t think I have ever eaten so well. In fact not only the food was great but the wine was also fantastic. We got bottles of fabulous locally grown wine at bargain prices.
It was then time to sadly say goodbye to Colines family. They had made us so welcome and were wonderful people.
If anyone would like to visit this part of France I would highly recommend this restaurant and hotel. Not only are they first class but the service and friendliness they give is second to none.
After a goodbye hug we made our way back to the airport. I had made my mind up to go back as myself. I had a lovely long dress top with white summer trousers, a little makeup and my unfortunately fake breasts (hopefully not fake for too much longer!)
I was a little nervous on checking in and going through security but it was completely fine. I was madamed everywhere and had no issues.
On arriving back at Stansted we collected our luggage, went through customs and then hugged goodbye. Lucy was getting the train home and I was on my way to the long stay car park.
The weekend was as better than I could have hoped for. I gained in confidence, seemed to just fit in and had lots of time to be me.
I felt completely peaceful and relaxed (until the last few hours, still trying to work this one out) and got to know 2 wonderful women better than I had known them before.
I was also so impressed with Colines wife and family. They are all adapting to this change in their lives and were extremely welcoming of Lucy and I.
x

Just finshed packing

2010-06-10T14:46:00.001-07:00

I have just finished packing and am going to treat myself to a glass of wine and then of to bed.
Tomorrow I have an early start and a couple of morning appointments near London.
As soon as they are over I will be making my way to Stansted airport to meet Lucy, and onward to France. Caroline is going to collect us in France and I am so looking forward to the trip.
She has told me the weather is hot and we may even make the beach (although certainly not Caroline’s favourite naturist beach!)
I predict Fun, wine, good conversation, sun and some great art! Maybe we will also catch the England V USA world cup match on Saturday.
I don’t really follow football but I have to say I do hope we do well in this world cup. I hope the USA also does well as I have many American friends, but I am hoping you lose that match. :- )
I will be out of contact until Tuesday so I wish everyone a great weekend.
x

Letter for work and a girly weekend away

2010-06-09T15:22:00.000-07:00

I have been working on my letter to my MD/ owner of our company this week. Unfortunately we don’t have a HR department so he will be the first to know.
I will obviously be telling him personally but I really need to cover my backside in case things start to go wrong. I am fortunately protected under UK legislation against discrimination but people can be creative with reasons to let you go I guess.
I am trying to keep the letter in a good balance of professionalism with a bit of the personal story there. I am not making it too long maybe1 page of A4 in length. Thanks to Lori for giving me some pointers. :- )
It is going to be positive and reminding them of my performance and loyalty over these last 9 years as well as stating that I see no reason why this would not continue, and indeed it may get even better once I am free to be me.
I have worked hard in my career and have been fortunate to have been successful and in a very well paid position. I am risking all of this in announcing my transition. I guess if it all went wrong I may struggle to get a job paying 25% of what I earn now.
That’s the main reason I have been trying to sort out our finances recently.
But you know although I understand this risk I would gladly trade all this for a happy future. I have accepted the risk associated with my transition and have worked hard and done my best to give myself the best chance at keeping as many people as possible on board.
Work is my final challenge and I know it’s a big one.
I have started the degree in psychodynamic counselling as an option for a new career in 3 years but for now I could do with keeping in a decent job.
I have been involved in sales and marketing most of my life and this is going to be the biggest sale of my life. I guess I am treating and preparing for it in that manner.
I am planning on telling him towards the end of next week.
I spoke to my Brother to see if he could offer me a job should the brown stuff hit the rotating thing. He may be able to offer me a menial position but at least that is something I guess.
Today we had my hairdresser around. I told him not to worry too much about keeping the length down, but to focus now more on the style of it. As it won’t be too long till everyone knows my focus is now on ensuring I can look as good as possible. I will gladly sacrifice looking like a scruffy male for a few weeks to help me look better when I am presenting as me.
I have been doing a bit of packing tonight for my girly weekend away with Lucy and Caroline. I am looking forward to seeing Caroline’s photographic exhibition as well as enjoying some sun in the South of France. We fly out on Friday afternoon and come back late on Monday evening. It should be fun.
My wife has been helping me choose some necklaces and accessories to go with the clothes I am taking.
I have also been thinking for a long time of getting a nice girly tattoo on the bottom of my back. I am now definitely going to do this in the summer. I have been looking at some designs on the internet that I like. There are so many it’s difficult to choose!

Caravan, Car and Kids

2010-06-06T14:31:00.001-07:00

On Friday the man who purchased our caravan came to collect it. They were a nice family and I wish them many years of happiness in it.
It was really quite sad to see it go. I went in to check it out an hour or so before he came. It was quite emotional really thinking back to all the great times we had in it. I looked at the 3 bunk beds and could picture my kids arguing over who was on the top. Then I could see them all snuggled up in just 1 bunk!
I did feel my eyes welling up a little while reminiscing.
I know we will have plenty of good times to come but it does seem like closure of sorts on part of the way things were.
Today we went to the Vauxhall garage we bought my wife’s 4 wheel drive from. I went with the intent of trading it in for a 3 year old Zafira and getting a lump sum of money back to help with clearing some more of our commitments.
While walking through the showroom my wife was struck with the Meriva. The price advertised was very good actually. So I enquired and after a lengthy negotiation and a test drive they agreed to give me a significant extra sum of money as a value of our car as well as more discount from the special price. So we ended up walking out with nearly as much as we had hoped for plus a brand new car. Lucky for me they have just released a new Meriva model and are desperate to get rid of their stock.
So now my wife is sorted for her transport for wherever her future may lead.
I had a chat with my children individually over the weekend to explain that it won’t be to long before I go full time.
I told them it is likely to be in the summer before they start there next school year. We chatted through their worries which mainly revolved around there concern that I show myself at their schools and clubs etc.
I assured them I was not going to embarrass them in any way and would do everything I could to make sure it was as smooth as possible. I told them that their Mum would take them and pick them up etc. I may also ask for a friend of another kid at the Rugby club to take my son.
It will be a bit heartbreaking not being able to go to school plays and parents evenings etc, but you never know in a couple of years they may be completely fine with it.
We explained to them that they should not feel the need to defend me if anyone says anything. They should talk to Mum or me and we will sort things. It is not their battle and I would hate to think they will end up fighting it. I will do everything I can to stop that happening.
I will be seeing the head teachers of the junior and senior schools they go to over the next few weeks to explain what is happening. I won’t be banner waving or making any major public announcements, only preparing the school Heads in case any issues arise in the future.
In all other ways they seem to be ok with it. In fact we popped into Next on the way home today and they helped me choose some lovely sunglasses and a pair of shoes to die for. I am planning on wearing these in the evenings on my trip to France with Caroline and Lucy next weekend.
Other than that I am sipping a glass of chardonnay (Australian) for purely research purposes such that I can compare it with the French wines next weekend. I do here that the French are capable of making some decent wine!

Some nice experiances out and about

2010-06-04T16:05:00.000-07:00

On Sunday my Mum and Dad along with my sister and her husband came around. My Dad and brother in law helped me get the old carpet up and load it into the car.
I then drove to the tip with my Dad. When I got there the man looked in the care and said “Hi love, is the carpet all you have”. I looked at him and said yes. He replied “it’s over in bay 2 love”.
I smiled and drove over to bay 2. I looked at my Dad and we both laughed. It was a great moment, and he seemed to handle it well.
When I got back my Mum wanted to see my new shoes so I took her and my sister upstairs and showed them. We had a great chat about clothes and fashion. It made me laugh when I showed my sister the cut on the back of my foot caused by a pair of sandals my wife had. She told me that I had better get used to that.
Our relationships seem to be changing and developing in a good way. Sure there are times when it all seems difficult like when my Mum said I shouldn’t die my hair or I would look like my uncle (who has a thin hair and had more colour on his scalp that his hair!). I reminded her that most women die their hair and she should not compare me to a man. I know this was instinctual from her and she is in the early stages of adjusting, but I am pointing these things out as we go along in as pleasant a way as possible.
Overall though I am really pleased with things with my family.
Another funny thing happened at B & Q when we bought all the wooden flooring at the weekend. I was presenting as me and we got talking to the assistant to ask advice. He was really nice and was so helpful. When we decided on the wood he said he would help us get extra discount of if we could wait for 30 minutes. It would save us another £150.00 over the promotional discount so of course we agreed.
I then took a trolley over to the flooring and started loading a couple of boxes onto it. He came over and said don’t worry we will have it ready for you when you come back. We walked over to the till and he typed our address into the computer. He then asked what title I used. (I am sure he knew I am in transition) so I said Mrs Lisa S.........
He typed it all in and then said see you in 30 minutes.
We came back and there were 2 huge trolleys filled with the flooring. I went to get one and he said to us, ladies you go to your car and we will push these!
When they got to the car they even loaded it for us.
I had a smile ear to ear!
I am sure he knew but it was so nice to have people be respectful and nice. I will write a letter to his company commending him on the service.
I know I am an optimist, but I have a feeling that society is slowly adjusting to become much more tolerant of diversity.
It will make a much better world for us all.
x

Thanks and sorry for not keeping up to date with your blogs

2010-06-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

I had a busy weekend last week and spent virtually from 7.00PM on Friday night right through to 10.00PM on bank holiday Monday decorating our living room.
I was exhausted but felt a real sense of pride when I had laid the very last piece of our wooden floor. Unlike on previous times when I laid flooring I had removed all the skirting boards to ensure that the real wood floor we bought looked nice.
Along with a feature wall that is wallpapered and new paint on the other 3 walls it has totally transformed the room. Even the sound dynamics have changed with the TV and sound system.
In fact I can’t get the rest of the family out of there to get a seat now!
I am hoping I can keep my wife from putting too much clutter in there as I am loving the feel that space gives.
This has kept me from keeping as up to date with all your blogs as I normally am and so I apologise for that. I have felt a little guilty about this.
Tonight I went to my electrolysis session and then had a formal chat with her so she can keep her records up to date with my transition. I will need a letter of referral from her in addition to the NHS letter if I can afford surgery at some point outside of the UK. I don’t have the funds now but really would like to have it done in Thailand if I can.
I am trying to find some sample letters to use as a template for telling my company about me. I want it to be clear and professional such that it conveys the right message. I also want to avoid putting anything in it that could possibly be used by the company against me should things not go to well. (I guess I mean saying things like I have been finding it difficult to get motivated etc)
If anyone has a template that could be used or any advice I would be grateful.
I would like to thank everyone who commented on my last blog, and in fact any comment on any blog. You have been a great source of support to me and I really appreciate that.
x

I know what I have to do now

2010-06-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

Over the last few weeks I have now realised I have to transition to move on and get over all the turmoil that has been with me over the last 5 years or so. Sure I had feelings before that but over these last few years they have been more frequent and extremely intense.
I have tried hard to find a balance somewhere before full transition but as I took each of the baby steps I have only been content for a short while. I needed to take another, then another and so on.
To be truthful until the last few weeks I had nagging doubts that maybe I can beat this, maybe I am crazy, maybe I can deal with it without transitioning etc. The usual stuff I guess we all think.
My pace of change this year has grown and over the last 3 months has got faster.
The only thing left for me to do now is come out at work and go full time.
I have been preparing on many fronts for this final stage of my transition.
My wife and I have made changes to our relationship that she needed to move on. In some ways I guess, it makes it a fresh start for us both moving forward. That said we are still close and she is a great support to me.
We have just sold our beloved caravan and will be trading in our 4 wheel drive car as we don’t need it now. This will help us raise some money and reduce some of our commitments.
If things should go badly when I come out at work then having a reduced commitment will help us a lot.
I am going to be talking to my brother to see if it does go badly at work, if he could offer me a job, which although menial would provide an income. In fact in some ways I would like a fresh start rather than coming out at my work, but I will blog about my worries there another time.
I have spoken to my counsellor and she has given me some advice on this process. She also offers transition support which I will mention to our company owner.
I have met some lovely friends who have transitioned and I found that very helpful. I hope our friendships and new ones will continue to grow.
I am finding living part of my life as a woman and part presenting as a male really difficult now. It is doing my head in trying to go in male mode.
I have heard many people say that you have to be selfish to transition. I always hated that saying in the past. I know many people who have transitioned who are anything but selfish.
But I think I finally get it now. By selfish I think it means that we have to do this despite concerns or objections that others have. It is time for me to be me. Sure I will try to help others through this, but if I lose them then so be it. I don’t want to but I can’t let their fear and worry stop me now.
I feel like it’s my time now. I have spent years taking this slowly to help others around me transition with me.
Now I can wait no more.
So I guess I may change the title of my blog after all this time. No longer “My Journey of transformation – exact destination unknown” to something more befitting with my new destination of womanhood.
I know what great writers and creative girls my friends are so I am open to suggestions as to the new title. :- )

I love this poem

2010-05-28T16:40:00.000-07:00

Look to this day
For it is life
The very life of life
In its brief course
Like all the realities
And verities of existence
The bliss of growth
The splendour of action
The glory of power
And yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is only a vision
But today well lived
Makes every yesterday
A dream of happiness
And every tomorrow
A vision of hope
Look well
Therefore to this day

~Sanskrit proverb

Id, Ego and Super Ego along with a big dip.

2010-05-26T15:57:00.000-07:00

On Monday evening I attended University again and this week we learned some of the basic principles of Freud and one or two other significant people.
It seemed to me from my basic understanding at the moment that the battle in my mind between my Ego (a bit simplistic but who I am) and super ego (again simplistic but what are norms / expectations of me by society parents etc) up until now has seen my super ego to the fore. This has me trying to match expectations of where I should be and burying deep down any notion of this elephant in the room of being a woman. In my desire to conform I have effectively ignored my Ego at the decree of my Super Ego.
I don’t want to bore you but this was really kind of put into place a lot of things that have gone on in my life.
We split into groups and again did some practical work. I had a great chat in my small group. There is a great bond growing with some members of my course.
In fact one of the girls said she was green with envy at my new shoes! I had a couple of hugs when we left and loved the feeling of being accepted.
When I got home I went to our neighbour’s house to pick the kids up. I had told my wife to warn them I was going to go around as me. They are used to me in female andro mode but never seen me as my full beautiful self!
Well it seems my wife forgot to tell them so when I knocked there was a surprised look on “L” face. She was ok but I could see a little surprised. She called my kids and went to the kitchen to get some of their bits and pieces. As she walked through the hall I saw her look to the left and I looked in the mirror and saw the reflection of “A”creeping slowly backwards. I guess she may have mouthed something to him and he did not feel comfortable. I then thought, bugger this they know this is happening, in for a penny in for a pound, so I said evening “A”.
He then had no choice to walk over and say Hi. Not sure it was the right thing to do but I am certainly now past the point of trying to protect others. I am desperately trying to protect myself from a damn breakdown while holding my loved ones close!
I left with the kids with a friendly goodbye but I could see that “A” was uncomfortable.
My wife saw “L” today and she said she was a little shocked but ok. She also commented she liked my shoes! But it seems “A” is finding it difficult.
I was feeling quite low on Tuesday morning which is not unusual after a Monday when I can be me. Especially on this Monday when I was me all day.
I got to work and I had delayed the sales meeting with the team and our MD until Tuesday morning. Now I was in no mood for a sales meeting at all. When I walked in people were asking if I was ok and said I looked down. I was feeling quite emotional. The meeting started and I have to say I was not really there in my head. I was working at 25% at best. In fact I nearly burst into tears several times. I kept telling myself to relax and deep breaths etc. I went to the toilet half way through to get my composure.
I was not particularly constructive and did speak far too frankly on some issues that I should have bitten my tongue at.
After the meeting I left for an early lunch. I had to get out of the place. I drove into the country, parked the car and cried my eyes out. I felt really low. I was seriously considering going back and just telling my MD what was going on. That would not have been a good idea as my mind was all over the place. I then decided I was going to tell him I was struggling emotionally and needed a few days off. I decided to call Lucy who was able to talk for a few minutes to get some advice.
I sat in the car for another half an hour trying to regain my composure and get rid of the redness around my eyes from all the crying. When I got back my mood was low but I struggled through the day without doing anything drastic. I got home and hugged my wife and had a chat. I lay on the bed and just wanted to sleep. I felt emotionally exhausted. My wife came up and snapped me out of it. I did the hovering and bathrooms, called my Mum and went to bed at 9.45PM.
I slept well and felt a little better today but still low.
I have arranged a meeting with my counsellor next Tuesday which I really need at the moment.

Second meeting at the gender clinic

2010-05-24T15:55:00.001-07:00

I got up at 6.30 AM this morning. Helped get the kids ready and then after a quick shower got ready to go to the gender clinic.
I had been doing some internet shopping to get some new summer outfits. I had spoken to Lucy about my clothes and she encouraged me to go outside my comfort zone and express myself.
So this I did and I ordered lots of stuff (most will go back though) to try on. Most of it was styles that I love, but up until now I was to self conscious to wear. I had slipped into comfortable, plain feminine androgynous mode. But not now.
I have decided on 3 outfits. The first was a long dress top with leggings. The second was Treggings (didn’t know what the hell they were until the weekend!) with a gorgeous top. The third was a lovely summer linen dress. I felt so wonderful in them they are me. Finally feeling confident enough to express myself more. :-D
So I chose the leggings and top and some strappy sandals my wife has (great we are similar sizes!)
I needed petrol on the way so stopped to fill up. Then when I was close I stopped at the services on the motorway to use the toilet. Even after all that time wasting I was still early so as the clinic is right next to a park, I went for a walk.
I went into the meeting at 10.00 and he said we had 1 ½ hours. Much like last time we talked about my history from a young age up until now. Included was all the usual stuff about childhood, adolescence, sexual history, early experiences, marriage children etc. I brought him up to date with the recent stuff that had been going on also.
I told him in no uncertain terms that I want to transition now and other than work I am happy to live as myself. I explained I wanted to delay work transition as long as possible to enable us to get out finances in order and ensure the impact on my children was minimal. This led to a talk about my kids at which stage I became really emotional and started crying. The emotions were really powerful. I guess I am still dealing with the feeling of guilt. He did surprisingly explain that possibly the impact of not being true to myself on my kids could be more than that of being authentic. He can’t and wouldn’t / didn’t say I should transition but the way he put it echoed how I feel about it when I am in control of my emotions.
Never the less he did pick up on the strong emotions and said he felt they may need to be something that needs to be understood more. Guess I will book another counselling session to explore these.
He did ask me if I had considered using the internet for hormones and I said I had. I told him I had also considered getting them privately also. I again asked if they had any flexibility with issuing hormones. He gave me the NHS party line that they followed international standards and would only issue those after I had been full time. He also said I had to be full time for a few months before they will issue them. I questioned the international standards he was working to explaining that many countries including the US and Canada follow the international guidelines and there approach is different. They do issue hormones earlier in the process. He answered by saying that was the way the private sector worked, but not the NHS.
He seemed a decent man but as the hormone discussion was at the very end of the meeting I am a little worried I upset him. He gave me my appointment for my third meeting on July 5th at 1.00PM.
This will be with him and the first psychologist. My wife will be attending.
Before leaving he explained that after the third meeting with them they have a panel meeting with the rest of the team at the clinic to discuss my case and then will make a decision as to their recommendations.
It feels strange to be at the mercy of these people. Uncomfortable even. I know they have your best interest at heart but how will I feel if they come back to me and say something that causes delays.
If that does happen I will have to go the private route I guess, although I hope not as the expense I could do without.
On the way home I stopped at Next (for my overseas friends this is a fashion chain) and drooled over the shoes. I wanted my own pair of wonderful summer shoes. I chose 2 pairs and couldn’t make my mind up. They needed to go with the outfit I was wearing but also other stuff. I asked the advice of the assistant and much to my joy she liked the pair I slightly preferred.
I popped over to Boots to get some face cream and then came home and had lunch with my wife.
She is an angel as she knew I wanted a nice pair of summer shoes so had been out and got me a pair of black strappy sandals. So 2 pairs of shoes in a day! This girl is going places.
x

GIRES Family Workshop

2010-05-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to a GIRES meeting in Cambridge. It stands for Gender Identity Research and Education Society.
It’s funded by voluntary contributions from people.
I will be joining and sending a donation.
My wife and children, parents and Mother In law all went along. None of us were completely sure what to expect but were all pleasantly surprised.
The hosts were fantastic in sharing their home with strangers. Everyone there has been effected by transition whether it was their own, there partners, their children or parents.
There was an initial presentation introducing the various issues that transition involves and why it happens.
We then split into groups with people we could relate to in a similar position. Now for a lot of us we have met and interacted with others before so while it was great to meet some new people, I didn’t really learn anything new.
But my aim for going was not me it was my family. There is little support for families and the day really helped them in their own transition.
Now without fail they all benefited from the day. My wife spoke to other wife’s who had been through this and she shared similar experiences. This has helped her greatly.
My parents had the same feeling when they had the chance to meet and talk to other parents. My Dad made an effort to use female pronouns as did my mum. When they got it wrong they apologised and said they would try. I assured them that I understood and that I appreciated their efforts.
My kids had the chance to speak to a wonderful woman who found her father was a transsexual woman when she was 20. My Parents were there and told me how wonderful well this woman explained how she felt at the beginning and how she has now accepted things and is happy. She also told them that her sister was still coming to terms with this, 10 years later but she is trying.
My son and middle daughter asked her questions and found her answers very useful, even encouraging. I have sent her an email of thanks as this was her first time to volunteer to do this and without her my children would not have got as much out of the day.
It’s so encouraging to see people giving freely of their time to give back and help others that are at an earlier stage and struggling with things.
I hope someday I can repay their kindness by helping in this manner.
Just getting my mind ready for meeting the Nottingham gender clinic tomorrow. Hopefully it will all go well. It did last time.
x

The weekend

2010-05-21T16:35:00.000-07:00

I have had a busy day today. After a long day at work I got home, got changed quickly and went to fetch our caravan.
When I got it home I cleaned it outside and in, removed all our personal stuff and took photos. I then posted an advert for it on Ebay. I am hoping to sell it for a bit more than the dealer has offered me.
It was a strange feeling cleaning it out. I kept thinking about all the great times we have had in our breaks away. It made me feel a bit sad really.
I guess there will be many happy times in the future just a bit different.
I spoke to my neighbour when I was cleaning it. She has been great but is worried about us all. She is especially worried about the kids and my wife. They have invited us to a BBQ tomorrow but we can’t go as we are going to the GIRES meeting with my parents and mother in law; so we are rearranging it for Sunday.
She asked how we are doing and is concerned about us. She doesn’t know yet about our changing relationship so I kind of said to her that my wife would talk to her tonight as they were going out for a drink. She sensed something though as she said “you are not moving are you.” I assured her we were not in the short term.
I called my brother today to see how he was doing this morning. He seemed fine and we had a little catch up. I am hoping to catch up with him some time in June after he gets back from holiday. He said they were ok with things and I felt happier having spoken to him.
My sister called tonight wishing us well tomorrow at the meeting.
I haven’t got any reading done at all this week for my course. Hopefully I will manage a couple of hours at the weekend.

I picked up my guitar again

2010-05-20T15:46:00.000-07:00

Well on a positive front this week I have managed to get motivation to pick up and play my guitar not once but a grand total of 2 times!
I haven’t picked it up for a few months and was a little rusty to say the least. My fingers seemed to cope well, but I guess it was only for an hour or so each time.
Hopefully my creative side is coming back a bit.
Tomorrow night I am going to fetch our caravan and wash and clean it. Then I will take some photographs and will put it on Ebay.
I have an offer from the dealer I bought it from 2 years ago but I am hoping I can get an extra £1000.00 selling it privately. If it doesn’t sell I will let him have it next week.
Once done we will downsize my wife’s 4 wheel drive car as we won’t need it anymore.
This should help us clean up some of our finances and take a bit of pressure off moving forward, just in case my next steps throw us some curve balls.
The weather forecast is for a scorcher this weekend so we may even have a BBQ on Sunday.
On Saturday I am going to a GIRES meeting with my wife, children and Mum/ Dad. It is aimed at families of transitioning men and women, so I am hoping they find it useful.

Feeling a little insecure

2010-05-17T16:34:00.000-07:00

I enjoy Mondays, even though they are a very long day, because I go to university after work, and I love the course.
Today I didn’t feel quite as confident as usual. I seemed to feel quite self conscious, and was convinced I didn’t look very good, my clothes weren’t looking as they wanted them, my hair didn’t quite look right my makeup looked too much and not enough at the same time, etc.
I am so keen for people to accept me that I really try to make an effort. I hate it when the wrong pronouns are used, even if in error. It kind of knocks my confidence.
But the people on the course are all great so I should not have worried I guess.
I spoke to a good friend on the way home (Thanks you know who) and she is very wise. She pointed out that she had a feeling from reading my recent blogs that I was trying to get peoples approval and acceptance. She urged me to not rely on this as I won’t get it from everyone. She has a good point as I do want everyone to like me. I would hate to be considered some mentally deranged freak and so try extra hard to get everyone on board.
But the effort in doing that is substantial and extremely draining. Maybe I should put less pressure on myself to help everyone else with this and focus more on getting myself through this process. I don’t mean my wife and kids but other people such as friends and extended family.
I always find myself asking my Mum how my cousins are or my aunties, have they said anything, how do they feel, should I do this or that etc.
When I got back tonight and was writing my college journal (11.30PM) I could feel myself get panicky. Hot sweat, heart racing and breathing increasing. I spot these panic attacks earlier than I used to so can control my breathing and calm myself down better. But I can’t stop them completely. Even now I can feel waves of emotion gripping my body.
This is because my path is so clear, but I am afraid I am not strong enough to do it. Worried about everyone and everything in the way.
But I am going to do it. I have to. I can’t manage to continue to live like this for much longer.
When I got back I spoke to my wife about preparing the school heads of both the junior and senior schools that my children attend. I want to let them know and give them some information in preparation for my full time transition.
My wife was a little dismissive in the beginning saying we didn’t need to do this now. I could sense she was uncomfortable with my suggestion. After some discussion she said that she felt if we did this it would be another step and my transition would be even more real.
I can understand what she feels as I have the same feelings.
But real it is and we both need to accept that, even though we are both scared.
I won’t do anything unless she is ok with it, but with the fact she is about to share this with at least 1 if not 2 of her friends who have kids at the school, says to me the time is right. She trusts them to keep it a secret and I know they are good women, but even so with each extra person that knows we lose control. She needs to have people to share this with and trying to keep this all inside is very challenging for her.
Accepting this huge change and letting go, to enable us to move on is extremely emotional for us both.

Holding on and letting go

2010-05-16T14:06:00.000-07:00

I was talking to Lucy last night and we were chatting about all the things going on at the moment.
Then I said something that I have been thinking about since.
I said “I am struggling to hold on for much longer”
This is the thing that is causing all the stress in my life. Trying to hold on, trying to hold back and slow down.
Of course the reasons for this are family and job, but the statement I made is true. Despite these risks and my love of my family and concern at any possible impact on my job, I know I can’t stop this anymore. The emotional pain and its impact are increasing as I try to slow things down.
So I am no longer going to try to hold on. I will be letting go instead.
My wife and I have decided to try to get our finances in some order. We have agreed to sell our caravan and then downsize her car as we won’t need a 4 wheel drive car if we don’t need to tow the caravan.
We talked about it calmly and both felt that with things as they are it is the right thing to do.
My wife needs to start spending some time moving on and really did not want to go away in the van like she used to. Add in to the mix the fact that it will help pay of a loan we had for the car and caravan it will help reduce our financial outgoings considerably.
On a practical level it will help reduce the burden if things go badly when I come out at work.
I guess we are now starting to look at things practically for our futures. In some ways it is a step forward as now we are where we are, other than practical considerations there is nothing stopping me now.
That’s apart from the fact that I am shit scared!
I need to start putting a plan together to come out at work now I guess and some kind of time frame.
The other thing I need to start planning is preparing the schools with information and a time frame / plan. I want to ensure they are getting the right support there and that the school pays particular attention to their welfare in relation to any bullying etc.
I am filled with fear and excitement at the same time.
I have climbed the wall and now standing on top looking backwards and forwards at the views. I can’t imagine I am going to jump backwards. Forwards is the only way now. The view looks rocky for a while but in the distance I can see blue skies.

A visit from Jenny

2010-05-15T14:38:00.001-07:00

This morning I had a lovely visitor come for coffee and a chat. It was Jenny who has that wonderful blog called “Large blooming flower.”
It was wonderful to see her and we chatted away about all sorts of stuff for a good 3 hours or so. She was on her way to visit some friends in Yorkshire, and I am grateful she popped in to meet up.
She is wonderful company and has a great sense of humour. She left me with some of her home made cider brewed in 2008. It is apparently over 7 % in strength so I am about to pour myself a glass before bed. Hopefully I will get up in the morning!
It’s always wonderful to meet my on line friends.
As you know there has been a lot going on recently in my life. There are also lots of small things happening and changing in my life also. It’s almost as if I have lost control of my transition. It is starting to happen in ways I hadn’t planned. It seems to just occur without me planning it. I guess as it gets closer and people see it’s a reality they make adjustments and changes which affect them and me.
I have my second meeting with the Nottingham gender clinic on Monday 24th May. In the 3 months since my last meeting with them a lot has happened. In fact I am going to have to add at least another 2000 words or so to my already 20,000 word history I have prepared for them.
It does make me wonder how much will happen before my 3rd meeting with them, which should be around the end of August.
Going full time is now on my mind a lot, as is getting onto hormones as soon as possible.
I am even considering going privately to get the prescription for hormones as the NHS wont until I go full time and am out at work.

A few good things have happened this week

2010-05-14T15:06:00.001-07:00

A few good things have happened this week.
The funniest are as always related to my youngest daughter aged 6.
We always have a family dinner around the dinner table in the evenings. No TV or music. It’s a chance to talk and have a chat. Often these go of f in all directions.
Somehow we got talking about eye tests and glasses. Now I wear glasses and sometimes when I go out I put on contact lenses.
My Middle daughter (10) and son (11) have mentioned in the past, even though they have good eyesight, that they wanted glasses with no prescription lens. They consider them a fashion accessory.
It seems my youngest differs as usual.
When we were discussing this she piped up with one of her fantastic one liner's.
“No way I am going to wear glasses, I have a hot boyfriend!”
Now to say it left us all laughing our socks off is an understatement.
She went on to say that many of the girls in her class and the year below (5 year olds) liked him. She went for a dinner with him last Friday at Pizza Hut where he treated her to the ice cream factory. It seems he knows how to charm a girl. LOL
I can’t remember being anything like that at her age.
Also on Tuesday night my youngest brought home a letter from school. Enclosed was a letter from the Creative writing society. It seems that 20,000 school children at junior school age sent in some writing in a competition. My Daughter was chosen as one of the pieces that will be published at the end of June!
We have ordered 3 copies, one for us and copies for the grandparents.
She wrote a riddle which goes as follows.
They live in a cave.
They have wings.
They are hairy.
They are brown.
And they can fly.
They eat their pray
What am I?
Answer at the bottom of the blog!
Another great thing happened at University on Monday night. Before class I went to the library to renew some books. Unfortunately I had to enrol in the course in my male name as my documents are not changed yet, however I present there as a woman. When I asked the librarian to renew my books she swiped them through and looked at the screen. She then swiped again and looked at me strangely. She said “these books are not loaned to you.” I smiled and said “I am in the early stages of transition and have not changed my name yet.”
She went on to say how sorry she was and that she didn’t realise. I explained that I was not worried and took it as a compliment.
Yay!
My confidence is growing hugely. I think confidence had a big effect. I have to say after everything that has been going on recently, last Monday at Uni my c confidence was at its lowest for a while, so it was very welcome.
The answer to the riddle was “A Bat”
xx

Thanks for your support

2010-05-13T16:10:00.000-07:00

I have been getting used to things after the changes with my wife at the weekend.
We have both talked a fair bit about things and my wife has said she feels guilty about suggesting we do just be friends. I have assured her it is not her fault and that she has nothing to feel guilty about. If anyone should feel guilty it is me, for putting her through this. She never realised anything about this when we got together and married. It is a major change in her life and one which she really should not have to face.
While I realised at the time we married I did occasionally want to be a woman, the feelings were nowhere near as strong as they have been in recent years and to be honest at that time, full transition was not something I had ever really thought about.
We have been getting along fine and my wife in general seems to be in a happier place.
I called my Mum on Tuesday night to explain to her the change in our relationship. She was disappointed but not surprised. She does understand the difficult position my wife is in and how stressful this is for her. We are all going for Sunday dinner with them at the weekend.
My wife also told her Mum on Tuesday, and it seems she feels that this change will be for the best.
The kids are all fine, no change at all in fact.
It seems strange really but after only a few days it seems that we have all accepted it. I am not sure if this will change with time.
I found myself looking at some large framed prints we have on the living room wall, of my wife and I and the 3 kids. They are black and white shots and are really wonderful. All of our faces are smiling, and the smiles are all genuine, full of love and enthusiasm. It left me feeling a little sad. I hope that our relationships don’t change much and we are all still close.
I know some people have said that they don’t like to look at photographs of themselves prior to transition, but somehow ones like these I really would not want to destroy. I guess who I used to be is part of who I am, although it does not define who I will become.
I want to thank you all for the lovely comments you have given. It really has helped.

My changing relationship with my wife

2010-05-10T15:50:00.001-07:00

On Saturday night my wife and I had a talk.
She has been feeling very uneasy with the pace of my transition.
A lot seems to have happened in the last few months with coming out to family and neighbours; as well as presenting as myself at college and also when away with my wife and kids.
I think this has forced my wife to see where this will all end (namely my full transition). She can see how happy I am when I am me, and also sees that I am gaining confidence in being me in everyday life.
This has left her feeling very uneasy and all the major challenges that face us have never really been resolved.
Sure we have taken this in small steps over several years, but none of this has really addressed the fundamental question of how my wife feels about losing her husband and living her life with a woman.
This is really the crux of the matter. And it appears that no matter how much we are in love, we are destined to separate.
She has always been a strong supporter and helped me in my transition which was selfless of her, considering the impact on her life. This is a huge change and not something she ever envisaged when we first met and eventually married. I think it has been her love for me and being torn between supporting me and following how she feels that has left her feeling very unhappy and torn between her heart and head.
As each of the recent steps have been taken I could sense that although she smiled for me, really she was filled with dread at where this was going.
My wife and I had a chat late on Saturday night and she explained that she was fining this really difficult. She explained that she was not sure that she could remain together when I transition full time. She wants to be there and in her words didn’t want to let me down! Imagine that her letting me down after all the huge change and disruption I have brought to her life. :- (
She said she needed some space to work through how she feels and asked if I could move out for a week or 2.
I said I could but where to go? My Mum and Dad have my Granddad staying recovering from a major heart attack. I suggested I could move into our caravan and get a cheap farm site for a couple of weeks.
We discussed how this would impact the kids and what we would say to people. We went onto discuss what she would gain by this.
From there I suggested that she takes a break with a friend or her mum for a few days and gets some proper space. We then talked about how she felt and what she wanted with her future. She really does not see her future with a woman. She is a heterosexual woman and obviously entering a lesbian relationship is akin to me trying to remain a man.
We then discussed the possibility of separating and me moving out permanently.
This would mean a massive upheaval for us all, especially the kids. We couldn’t afford to keep this house, and it would mean selling and getting or renting 2 properties, both a lot smaller.
I suggested that one solution would be to stay living together as best friends until she felt the need that she had to move on. I said if she met someone new in the future then we could review it and look at moving but for now it would help keep as much normality as possible for us all.
She was concerned that in practice nothing would change as to be honest over the last few years we have become more like friends than man and wife. I guess this is natural for 2 women living together.
She felt this may be ok but we would have to announce it to everyone. I guess this proved to her that we really were best friends and not effectively married.
We discussed that if we announce it to everyone there will be many questions that will be difficult to answer without me coming out to my kid’s friends and families. In the end because we are not ready for that we agreed we would tell the kids and our families and maybe neighbours.
We chatted more and had a hug before bed. We told each other we really loved each other and how we both wished this was not happening. We also shared a few tears.
I could sense a big weight had been lifted from my wife. She would be there for me but had in some ways broken free.
I was gutted as I have been taking this slow to try to keep us all together.
I had a restless sleep on Saturday night. I woke up Sunday and needed to get rid of the stress so I went for an hour’s run.
When I got back my wife was doing her hair. When I was going into our bathroom she asked how I was and I said ok. I then asked her and she said she was sad but felt a weight had been lifted from her. We had a hug. I was then walking into the bathroom and she told me that she had taken her wedding ring off.
It left me stunned to be honest. Nearly 14 years of marriage and we split because of who I really am. She has never taken her ring off before. She wouldn’t even have it enlarged as her fingers have grown because she wanted it as we got married.
Now she just kept her eternity ring on. I had a shower and blocked it from my mind as best I could. But the symbolism of it is huge.
After lunch she suggested we tell the kids about this. To be honest I guess I was hoping to just sweep this under the carpet and not face it but it was clear I would have to.
So in the evening we sat the kids down and explained that we were no longer Man and wife. I told them that they knew I was slowly transitioning and Mummy and I still loved each other. I told them that we still loved each other as best friends or sisters do but not as a married couple. I went on to explain that for all intense and purposes nothing in the short term would change as we would still share the house.
They asked if I would move into my office. We explained that not just yet but maybe in the future. We also explained that Mummy may go out a bit more and start doing things for herself, like the gym or spend more time with friends.
They took the news well and we both spent a bit of time with each of them at bed time explaining that we loved them and each other and that they will be fine. They seem to be ok and we have not noticed any major changes so far.
My wife then asked me if I was going to call my mum and Dad to tell them. I get the feeling she wants everyone to know as soon as possible.
I said I couldn’t so she asked if I would before University tonight when I go around for a quick dinner. I said no due to the short time we are together and the fact my granddad will be there. So I told her I would call them tomorrow.
I am not looking forward to doing this at all. I really want to hide away from all this turmoil and upset.
I went to my Mums tonight to get changed on the way to University. I only have 35 minutes to go in, eat some food, get changed and go so we only talked briefly. I told them everything was fine as I didn’t want to worry them.
I went to my class and was not quite there emotionally as I normally am. I volunteered to be an observer in the 2 exercises where we had to practice some counselling skills. I was afraid I might break out in tears.
On the way home I ran through a counselling scenario with myself. I imagined asking myself how I really felt about what went on. What words I would use to describe my feelings. They were not too positive.
Words like failure, selfish, coward, self centred, angry, upset, responsible, let down, freak, misguided, weak and many more came to mind.
I shed a few tears before I got home and had to drive slowly all the way, to try to get myself together
I have heard many transitioned people say that people told them they were brave to transition, and in response they replied that they indeed were not. In fact they considered themselves weak for doing this. I never really understood what this meant or felt like until now.
How the fcuk can I consider myself brave to put everyone I love through this.
x

Now my extended family know

2010-05-09T10:10:00.001-07:00

I got home on Friday night and my wife was on the phone to my Mum. They spoke for a while and then she passed the phone to me and I had a long chat with her.
After the usual how are you’s etc she told me that her and my Dad had told my extended family about me.
We had discussed this a few weeks ago and they had said they would tell them but after my grandfather gets better. He is at the moment staying with them recuperating after his recent illness.
For this reason it came as a bit of a surprise. I couldn’t work out if I was glad or not that this has happened now. This is because there are some other things going on in my relationship with my wife that I will need to blog about very shortly.
But once the initial surprise died down and we spoke further, it seems that my sister in fact told my Auntie. My sister is a real worrier and suffers from panic attacks. She sees my auntie weekly and they talk which my sister finds very useful.
Obviously since I told my sister about me some months ago she is quite worried, and it came out when they were talking about why my sister was feeling stressed.
It then seems my auntie called my Mum and from there my Mum and dad told the extended family. That is all except my Granddad. Mainly this is down to his health and the fact I really don’t think he would get it at all. He is a little old fashioned.
Now it would seem that they are all reasonably supportive although were a bit surprised.
I had wondered if one of my aunties new as you may remember at Christmas she had said a few things that left me convinced she did know. It seems however that she did not know at all. This particular auntie “A” is very open and has been on various courses and read many self help books to help her understand who she was. She told my Mum that she wanted to be there for us and that she would write me a letter.
She has a lovely writing style and I am looking forward to reading her letter.
My other Auntie “M” said she had noticed that I had no beard but assumed I had received electrolysis or something due to the fact I suffered with skin conditions. (Seem to have gone for now but they do surface when I am stressed, particularly through a bout of GD) So it seems they had noticed minor changes but certainly had not guessed at the real reason.
Again she said she would be there for us.
My Dad told his brother who was the one I thought may be difficult. It seems he didn’t say much but said to my Dad he understood and wouldn’t have a problem with it. I can’t imagine he is the type of person to give me a call or send a letter or anything but that is a good start.
They all said they would tell their children so I guess right now everyone in my wife’s family, as well as mine, all know.
I had a strange feeling of both nervousness and contentment when I came off the phone.
I think the nerves came from the fact that so much seems to have happened in the last few months that I can feel the momentum of transition coming. I think the contentment came from the fact that I don’t have to hide now. I have no real control over who knows and who doesn’t but somehow I feel strength from that. People will either accept me or not, but at least they know who I really am. Maybe the truth has set me free.
When I got off the phone I could see my wife was feeling a bit uneasy. She has been struggling with the pace of changes recently, and sees each step as a step closer to my male self disappearing completely.
We spoke a bit but she needed some space to get her thoughts together.
Several things have happened since then which I will write about shortly. I am trying to get my head around them right now.

Another Night out

2010-05-07T15:59:00.001-07:00

I was down in the South East of the country on Wednesday and Thursday and Lucy kindly offered me a bed for the night.
It was great to see her again. She is looking really well and is such fun to be with.
Contrary to her assertions that it was me who instigated drinking a lot of wine in the “Alex” pub in Southend, It was in fact her.
Not only did she force 3 large glasses of wine down me but on the way home, after last orders at the bar, she also frogmarched me into an off licence to get another bottle of wine to drink.
When we got home you can imagine we were a little tipsy. We opened the wine and both got our laptops out. Caroline who is a night owl was on line so we started chatting.
Goodness knows how we managed it in our state but I managed to get the web cam working so we had a great chat between us all. I have never managed to use it before. Maybe getting drunk is the secret to fixing technical problems.
After finishing that bottle of wine and with 2.00AM staring me in the face I had to go to bed as I had another long day on Thursday. I was fine in the morning amazingly, but by midday I was struggling. Getting back at 8.40 PM after traffic Jams around London did not help.
But another great night and no issues in presenting as myself in a student pub has left me feeling good. (I did over hear the students on the table next to us talking about writing an assignment on Transsexuals. I guess this would mean they did spot me, but they really did not stare or anything and to be honest I didn’t care if they noticed or not.)
I have to say the thing that leaves me feeling very self confident, is my voice. I was quite nervous so I asked Lucy if she could get the drinks at the bar as I was I try to avoid talking too much to people. I am trying with my voice but it needs work.

First caravan trip of the year and my wife outed me!

2010-05-04T14:12:00.001-07:00

We had our first trip in our caravan last weekend.
We managed to leave just after 6.00PM on Friday and arrived at a lovely little 5 caravan farm site in York at 8.15PM. Not bad with a diversion because of the M1 closure at junction 22.
After getting everything set up were enjoying tea and cakes at 9.00PM (followed by white wine for the rest of the night!)
The weather was changeable and we encountered Rain, hail, sun and clouds, sometimes within a few minutes of each other.
But the great thing about York is that it so beautiful there are always things to do.
I really love my breaks away as they allow me to present how I want without fear of someone I know finding out. I am now pushing the envelope a bit more when away with my appearance. This time I wore a little eyeliner and lipstick as well as a necklace, bracelet and female clothes. (My style is casual though so I usually have trousers of some description on)
My wife and kids were completely fine. I wondered if they would be a bit paranoid about any stares, as they are used to me going out in androgynous mode rather than fully female. I had talked to my wife and told her just to relax and not worry. I also said if I did get any looks then just to ignore them and carry on doing whatever we are doing.
She certainly did relax and over the 2 days I certainly didn’t notice any looks nor had any comments, and my wife never did either.
That is apart from the time my wife outed me!!
She was in a shop selling “Yankee candles” with the kids. I was standing outside with our dog. Now my wife loves candles and was in there for 35 minutes in the end, with me standing outside trying to keep my dog entertained and people watching.
When I looked through the window I signalled to her to get a move on as I was bored out of my head. I could see she was talking to a lady in the shop and a few minutes later this lady came out to me.
She walked up to me and said, “Your wife in the shop says to be patient.” Now I was looking away as she started to say this and as I turned to her she had just finished. She looked at me and suddenly said “sorry I thought you were that ladies husband as she said he was standing out here with the dog.”
Now I dint know whether to laugh or cry at this point. She then went on to ask if there was anyone else who had a dog out here. At this point I decided to speak so I said “don’t worry she is my wife”.
The look on her face was worth a million dollars. She really was surprised but clearly didn’t know what to say. So she walked back inside. At this point I looked in at my wife and gave her a kind of look that said “WTF” and laughed.
My wife realised what she had done and burst out laughing. When she eventually came out (still 15 minutes later) we both had a chuckle.
The only other times I got any strange looks were when my 3 kids all wanted my attention. Now when they all want you to look at something, listen to something or more likely buy them something, you get a “Dad” shouted at least every 30 seconds. Multiply this by 3 and on occasion I was sick to death of hearing Dad. The main reason was that I was standing there presenting as a woman and depending on the location people would sometimes by looking around for their Dad.
I would see them looking around the shop for anyone that could fit the description!
I have to say I tried to have a relaxed outlook about that but at times it did make me feel nervous.
On the way back we popped into Morrison’s to get some goodies for the night time. Before going in I said to the kids, Please try to reduce the number of times you call me and please don’t shout it from miles away as it can cause people to look.
Now my son who is the comedian walks into the shop and stops at the sweet rack. He looks over to me and shouts at the top of his voice “Stranger can I have some sweets”
Now my daughters and I burst out laughing and my son stood there with the proud look on his face he has when he makes people smile.
After that on the Sunday the number of Dads I got reduced only to be replaced with Stranger! LOL
All in all the weekend went really well and did my confidence a lot of good.
We were even asked at bars and shops “Yes ladies” etc. The first time this happened my wife was quite surprised, but then she got used to it and each time it happened we had a giggle afterwards.
I did notice one other trans woman (about 40) getting into her car where we had parked on Sunday morning going into York. She looked happy and was with an older man and a teenage girl.
I would have loved to say hello but as we arrived in the car park, they were leaving so I never got the opportunity.
All in all a great weekend and a confidence builder.
x

New hair cut

2010-04-27T14:01:00.000-07:00

I had my hair cut tonight. My hairdresser is inbetween salons at the moment and should be opening his new one soon; so he is mobile and came to my home tonight.
He was one of the first people I told about me 2 1/2 years ago when I decided to grow my hair so I could style it in a feminine and masculine way.
He knows I hate having my hair cut as I really want to grow it longer but have to balance it at the moment. So when he had finished he styled it for me and I ws really pleased with it. I know when I dont have to compromise with the cut it will be better but overall I am happy with where it is at the moment.
My 6 year old daughter was the photographer!

The weeks round up and a couple of firsts

2010-04-26T15:15:00.001-07:00

We had a busy weekend.
I didn’t manage a jog on Friday. As many of you said I should listen to my body and on Friday my shins hurt, which was a bit strange, and my calf mussels spasmed a few times so I decided against going.
On Saturday My son took his green belt grading at Karate and passed with a distinction! I was so proud of him.
We spent time knocking down an old play house in the garden that had started to look like a derelict house. Cracked window’s taped together. It was an embarrassment so I took it down and cut it into small pieces so I could get it in the car and to the tip. In the end it took 3 trips.
This was followed by a general tidy up of the garden.
A relaxing evening followed, with the whole family on the couch watching a film. I also treated us to some chocolate.
Sunday I took my son to play Rugby and then got home cooked lunch and my wife went to work at the hospital.
I then rounded up the kids and we went to collect our caravan from the local farm it is stored at. I got it home, parked it up and put on the electricity. It was all fine after the winter.
We are spending the bank holiday weekend in York at a little farm site. Great value and only 2 miles to the centre of York. I really love York. Such a beautiful town and the cathedral is stunning. The shambles area is also so quaint. Picture postcard stuff.
After work today I went to my Mums before University. A quick dinner and then upstairs to change.
Now last week was the first time they had seen me in obvious female clothes. My Mum and dad were fine, but when I got downstairs my Mum smiled but the spoilt it a little by saying “you look like you are in a Robin Hood film!!”
Now my Mum has a habit of putting her foot in it and while a little annoyed I certainly was not angry. She often says things without thinking and is a little clumsy with words. But we parted with a hug and a kiss and she said before leaving I looked good. But when I left last week it felt a bit uneasy as to how to say goodbye to Dad.
If the truth be known I dint know if I should give him a hug and kiss like my sister would or shake his hand. This has been something of an issue for me for the last few months. My Dad has been excellent but on greeting and leaving it has been awkward. I felt we have both been wondering what to do. Last week I just couldn’t bring myself to shake hands as it feels so false. So I kind of avoided doing anything physical and said goodbye while he was in the kitchen and left.
This week before I left, they both said I looked nice (Yippee!!) and after hugging my Mum the usual uneasy feeling was there on how to say bye to Dad. After a couple of uneasy seconds my Dad grabbed me and gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek. It felt so nice. It did feel a little unusual but nice at the same time.
I guess our relationship is changing and the change is a little uncomfortable to both of us. But it is welcome and I hope soon it becomes as normal as the handshake was in the past.
Another great evening at college. I could just copy and paste what I said the first 2 weeks but I am feeling so real and relaxed being true to me. My confidence is sky high. I have no nerves walking around as me at all. I don’t look for any second looks from anyone but I certainly don’t notice any. I am practicing my voice which again I am gaining confidence with. The whole dynamic of my relationships with people is changing, and I couldn’t be happier for it.
I am looking forward to getting to know all the others on my course better but could not wish for a better group.
With regard to my neighbours, “L” told her husband “A” and he was a little surprised I understand. We have spoken a few times and I said I hoped he was ok. He said he was and asked if I could come out for a drink and a chat. We never quite made it this weekend as we were both quite busy but I saw him several times and he was fine.
He is a strong man but fair and honourable. I think as we are quite close, he has the best interests of my family and I at heart and as such, want to ask me some questions to raise his concerns and ensure I have thought this through. I went through the same thing with my Dad and my Brother. I guess within this transition I have to help others understand, to help them on the journey they have. I am not sure if this is a male thing or not, but women in general have reacted a little different to men. (Is this some kind of in build male protection instincts or something?)
It is a bit of a pain explaining this all the time and sometimes I find it a bit demeaning but at the same time I can completely understand their concern.
I guess as long as it is constructive and done in a spirit of love and caring then I don’t have a problem with it other than the fact I keep having to do it.
So I guess my next step is to tell my extended family. I did mention this to my Mum on the phone last week and asked if they could tell them. They had offered to do this before. My Mum asked why I wasn’t telling them. I did remind her they had offered to help me do this but I said if you don’t feel comfortable doing it then I will.
I guess with my experiences so far I should tell them in person as it seems to have gone well and maybe I get the message over well. But I do find the process draining, so in some ways would prefer them to. Anyhow I guess this will unfold over the next 2 or 3 weeks.
I am going to now enjoy a glass of wine and relax after all the stimulation of my course. Hopefully I will feel tired by midnight.
x

Joy and Pain

2010-04-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

Each time I take a step forward I dread the consequences for my family.
I hit a high then a huge low.
If the truth be known although my wife is my biggest supporter she is really struggling.
I have never written a poem before and am not sure if this qualifies but here it is anyway.

Joy and pain
Entwined and seem as one
Can you have one without the other?
Should I endure the pain or strive for the joy?
Will my joy outweigh the pain of others?
Will the dilemma leave me paralysed and lifeless?

Loosing control on who knows

2010-04-22T15:46:00.000-07:00

Well another beautiful day here, blue skies and a comfortable 16 degrees.
As soon as I got in my dog was following me, almost pushing me into my running gear and out the front door.
My 7th 6 mile run in 7 days. The only day missed was yesterday when I did a 4 mile run followed by an hour playing badminton with my son.
We bought some rackets a couple of weeks ago and went down to the local leisure centre to play. I am conscious as a Dad I need to spend more time with my son. I think he is finding my transition the most difficult. We had a good time and I have booked another session next week.
I am feeling physically strong with my exercise and watching my food intake. That said I hate my strong legs. They look too masculine, but I guess they are better than a big waste line.
Can’t wait for hormones so the Estrogen will soften their appearance.
When I got back from dropping my son of at his Karate class tonight, my wife told me that her Mum had cooked a Sunday lunch for her uncle and brother last weekend. At that lunch she told her family about me.
It seems her uncle was really worried about her and kept going through things. Her brother apparently didn’t say much at all.
That leaves her other brother who I understand my mother in law is going to tell this weekend. He lives in another city an hour or so away. He is a GP and he is the one I am closest to. I am hoping he takes it well and with his background am optimistic.
But I was on the back foot when she told me about this. It made me realise enough people know now that I have lost control as to who knows and who may know. It left me feeling a bit afraid, but strangely I also felt relieved. I was scared by the fact that many people may now find out. At the same time I was really pleased as it meant I don’t have to go through the process of me telling them.
Well after a cup of tea my wife said “why don’t you go next door and tell L.” We have talked about telling them before as we are quite close and consider them good friends.
L is a lovely woman who has done a course on counselling. Her Husband A is very talented at Martial arts with a 6th Dan black belt in Karate and black belt in 3 others. He teaches my son.
We consider them all very important to us and our children. Our children are very close to there’s and if they are not home then they are normally next door.
A was doing his karate class and to be honest I was most nervous about telling him. So my wife said go around now and tell L. I was immediately very nervous and my heart rate increased, I felt scared and started to make excuses. My wife said we should tell them and encouraged me to go around while she was on her own.
I went around and was really nervous. I nearly turned around when I got to the door but I knocked eventually.
L answered and we had a little chat at the doorstep. I then said I would like to have a chat to her on her own if possible. We went to the kitchen and she made us a cup of tea and we sat down. She is a wonderful woman with a natural way of putting you at ease. Although she hasn’t started counselling professionally yet I know she would be very good at it.
Well after some more small talk I told her everything. After she said she was really pleased that I felt I could share this with her. We had a hug and then sat down and talked some more. I said I was worried how A would take it but she assured me he would be fine.
It seems she hadn’t guessed anything but did say a few things now clicked into place.
I asked her to keep it confidential for now as I am not full time yet and I know she will. We had another hug and she smiled and said Good night Lisa !!!!
I got in and hugged my wife. My wife had told my daughters that I was telling L so they also came up to be reassured that she took the news well.
They smiled when I told them she was fine. It really makes you see how this affects the kids. They were really concerned that it might not go well. But now they are happy. I think the more people that are ok with this the more my kids will see it is a non issue and allow them to be more comfortable.
My wife then went to work at the hospital.
So it seems over the last few days 4 more people have been added to the list of people who I can be myself with.
All in all a good day I guess.
Another step on my journey.
x

Another Great night at University :-)

2010-04-19T15:55:00.001-07:00

Another great night at University. :-)

I got to my Mums as planned, got quickly changed and put on a little eye shadow and lipstick, had a quick dinner with my Mum and Dad and shot off to get to class on time.
I arrived a bit early and had a coffee and chat with a lovely guy called "G". He was a true gent and even opened the door for me!
"A" also arrived early and she sat with us for a chat. I can’t believe how great she is. She is always smiling and so full of energy. She makes me laugh with her enthusiasm.
Everyone uses the correct pronouns and knows me as Lisa.

A couple of the women said how humble they felt when I introduced myself last week, and how honoured they felt that they made me comfortable enough to be honest with them. I responded by telling them it was because of their open nature that I felt comfortable to do it.
I guess if the truth be known I would have done it anyway as I need more time in the real world to be me, but having such wonderful people there sure made it easier.
It gives me a lot of time to practice my voice. I really need to do some more exercises I guess.
As for the content of the course I absolutely love it. The 3 hours goes so quickly. I think this is my calling!!!!
As last week I am back here elated but am dreading going back to male mode tomorrow.
As for my next steps I am going to talk to my Mum and Dad about telling my extended family over the next week or 2.
I am also in discussions with my wife about when and how to tell our next door neighbours who are also good friends.
I am still constantly worrying about the implications of coming out at work, but I now know with 100% certainty that having enjoyed the feeling of freedom that being honest with the world gives, that I cannot live my life trying to balance this.
Its turning me into someone I know I am not, and for that matter do not like at all.
I will however try to do it in a manner that keeps the interest of my family as a priority.
xx

My outfit for tomorrow night at Uni.

2010-04-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

My granddad was in good spirits last night and he had a good colour in his face. He is a fighter and I have a feeling he is going to be fine.
My wife was working last night and the kids were engrossed in a DVD so I managed to get 2 hours worth of studying in for my course.
I also managed 2 hours this afternoon and an hour this evening. Unlike when I was young it does not seem like a chore. Maybe it’s because I enjoy the subject or more likely the maturity that comes with age.
The most stressful part of the weekend was working out what to wear to University tomorrow night. I have settled on a dark pair of girly jeans with silver decoration on the pockets, with a nice dress top and belt. I am wearing my light brown UGG boots, a bracelet and a simple necklace to finish the outfit. I have a lovely handbag and brown leather bomber jacket sorted to.
My wife was working tonight so my daughters were giving me there opinions. Should I take advice from a 10 and 6 year old??? LOL
I am going to go to my mum’s after work and have a quick bite to eat and change and then of for another night of learning.

Meeting with Caroline

2010-04-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

What a lovely week I have had.
The weather has been fantastic (you can’t see the volcanic dust that has grounded all aeroplanes over the UK for the last few days) and the temperatures have been good.
I had trouble sleeping earlier in the week with quite a bit on my mind. This meant I was quite tired when I left on Wednesday to see some customers and then drive to Scotland.
The first night I stayed in a hotel opposite Murrayfield, the home of Scottish Rugby.
On Thursday I went to 2 appointments and then drove up towards Dundee to see the lovely Caroline. As the flights had been grounded and my colleague consequently couldn’t make it, I finished earlier than expected and arrived to meet Caroline around 4.00 PM.
It was great to see her beaming smile when I pulled up.
What a lovely house Caroline and her lovely wife live in. Such character and some fabulous art on show. She showed me to my room and I was really impressed. Fabulous views of the Sea and Estuary.
She was the perfect hostess and forced a glass of wine into my hand at 5.00PM! (Along with several more later on LOL)
Caroline and her wife made me so welcome. It was like meeting old friends. We chatted for hours and had lots of fun.
When we sat down for dinner, I could have been in a fine restaurant, the food was so fabulous.
We talked late into the night and I eventually went to bed at around 1.00AM.
In the morning we had breakfast and then went to have a quick look at the harbour before I left for an appointment a short distance away.
I am really looking forward to seeing them at her exhibition in June.
I got back home pretty tired yesterday and slept for nearly 12 hours last night. Managed a nice run today under more blue sky. My dog struggled a bit and was 100 metres or so behind me at times. I guess it was the heat.
We have spent the day sorting the garden out and I had to do my first mow of the lawns.
I am off now to visit my Granddad in hospital. He is 88 and has suffered a heart attack. They revived him with the difibulators and heart massage and he seems to be recovering as well as can be expected, although he is a little confused.
x

What a low after a high

2010-04-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

Shortly after writing my last blog I received a reply from GIRES (Gender Identity Research and Education Society) who have a workshop organised towards the end of May aimed at families including children of transsexual people.
I had asked for some course details and to see if it was suitable for my children.
It seems one session on the 22nd May is going to be focussed more on the issues our children face so I am going to see if my wife, parents and mother in law can make that one.
But then it hit me.
All this is so damn real and feels so imminent. It scares the living daylights out of me.
On top of the feelings of elation I had only a couple of hours ago I am now dreading presenting as a male again, and at the same time dreading putting everyone through this.
I so desperately want to do this, but at the same time I honestly don’t want to put all this pain on everyone else.
I realise I have such a responsibility as a parent for the well being of my kids, and they have told me they are fine with me but don’t want me to transition full time. They are worried about what others will say and how it will affect them.
But here am I, with their future in my hands, potentially putting them through the most challenging thing they will face, and still wanting to do it.
They have no control over what I do and can only tell me how they feel, and here am I, a crap parent potentially putting them through hell.
I have just finished sobbing for a few minutes and feel I am likely to start again at any time.
I use to think I was strong but I feel so fragile sometimes.
:-(

First night on my course and my introduction

2010-04-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

What a great day. 
It was an early start as I have a manic week at work, and had to leave on the dot of 5.00PM to get ready for my first night at University on my course.
I went to my Mums house as she lives a lot closer to the university than me so I would just have time to change and get a bite to eat.
I got changed into my lovely girly jeans and casual top I bought from New look a while ago. I also put on my silver bracelet and watch and cheap copy UGG boots.
I got to the university a little early and got a coffee. Two girls in their mid 20’s spoke to me and we had a bit of a chat.
At 6.40 the tutor invited us in and the first lesson started.
Mostly tonight it was a familiarisation and use of library with a course overview. We also did the normal introduction you have to do.
There were 18 people in the group of mixed ages, backgrounds and reasons to be on the course. We are a diverse group but it has a lovely feel to it even at this early stage.
I was about 10th to give my introduction and was sitting there trying to work out the best way to introduce myself.
When my turn arrived I introduced myself as me, in my best girly voice (gaining confidence but needs a lot more practice and work!) Everyone had introduced their name first so my introduction was a little different than everyone else’s.
I opened up by saying that my introduction may be a little different and then explained that my Birth given name was Jason. I went onto say that this was not my name though as I am a transsexual woman and my real name is Lisa. I then asked if they could all please use Lisa when referring to me. The course tutor and everyone else happily obliged!!
I then explained I was married with children and a bit about my work history. I went onto explain I am the early stage of transition and am planning how to go full time over the next year or so. I explained a little of the process I have been through so far and the fact I had learned a lot from my councillors and psychologist. I went on to explain how I want to be of help to others in similar positions at the moment my thoughts revolve around specialising in Gender and sexuality once I am qualified.
I was a bit nervous as it came close to my time to speak, but the feeling I had once I had spoken was wonderful.
From then on I was addressed as Lisa and taken in as one of the girls. I found the whole night so stimulating. A real change from what I do now and am so excited about the future.
I can see what is possible rather than just the problems with getting there.
It is so refreshing to start off as me from the beginning with people that don’t know my past. They already seem to treat me as me and wow does that feel good.
Strange thing is I felt elated when I got home, but writing this and seeing the clock get close to my bed time, I realise that as soon as I wake up I have to go back to presenting as a man again.
I am not lying that I literally feel hot flushes come over me at the thought of it. How the hell can I go from feeling so elated to feeling dread so damn quickly?
Seeing how free and relaxed I feel when I can be me makes me realise how different things can be. It also makes it so evident as to the level of stress presenting as a man is giving me.
Come on girl, deep breath, finish this glass of wine close your eyes and I will feel better tomorrow.
I just can’t see me being able to finish this year with not being full time. My confidence and need to do this is getting stronger all the time.
x

Fitness and a purge

2010-04-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

Well my first week back at work wasn’t too bad. This was mainly down to the fact that my Director and the owner of the company were away so I could pretty much get on and do the job without constant interruptions and questions.
We have also enjoyed some lovely weather which I have taken full advantage of. As well as some gardening I have managed to find a new 6 mile off road run, which follows some of the trails I usually follow plus some new ones. On Thursday I did it and it took me 1 hour 4 minutes.
On the way home from work on Friday I stopped at an out of town shopping centres which has several discount stores. I managed to get a running watch with a heart monitor and strap in a half price sale, for £20.00. I haven’t used one before and tried it on my Friday night jog.
It was brilliant and helped me pace my run on Friday night a lot better.
Saturday I made the family breakfast and then my wife also wanted to visit this discount shopping centre so we travelled back there as she needs a rain jacket.
While there we went into a sports shop and I found they had a 70% sale on running gear. I couldn’t believe my luck so I bought 3 lovely girly running tops, one plan white with some wonderful light coloured design on it, the second was white with lovely dark pink zones on it and the third was black with full arms and purple lines where the seams were. I got all in size UK18 (not sure what this is in US money!)
I also got 2 pairs of running bottoms, both ¾ length and a bit girly. I fit easily into size 14, maybe should have gone for 12 but hey ho.
Now I ran Saturday and today in my new running gear. I have the fields opposite my house so my dog and I just hop over the fence and away we go. On today’s run I had managed to get the time down to 53 minutes 20 seconds, so I was really pleased.
Maybe I can drop a dress size in the next month. (If it wasn’t for my damn shoulders I would have already)
I am gaining a lot of confidence in presenting as a woman and was not at all nervous in going out straight from my house in my girly running gear.
I am finding I can’t bear to wear any male clothes, and in fact today I had a purge.
Don’t worry I didn’t purge any female clothes as I have done before, but this time I was ruthless with my male clothes.
I have got rid of some stuff before but kept onto some clothes in case I had an emergency and because I didn’t go out in androgynous clothes all the time. But this time I got rid of all but 1 pair of male jeans and 1 pair of trousers. I also kept 1 pair of shorts, 2 T shirts, 1 smart shirt and 2 sweaters. I had already got rid of all but 1 pair of male underpants and all my socks. I also dumped all but 1 pair of trainers and my walking boots.
I of course had to keep all my work clothes but I hope to be in a position sometime in the future to be able to ditch all those as well.
It felt good to bag all of them up and I will happily dump the lot at the tip on the way to work tomorrow.
Tomorrow Night I start my psychotherapy and counselling course at Leicester University and am really looking forward to the challenge.
I have a busy week ahead and will spend 3 days in Scotland. I am taking the opportunity to meet the lovely Caroline on Thursday night while I am there, and am looking forward to it.

A blonde Joke

2010-04-06T16:03:00.000-07:00

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, ya wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

My wifes transition

2010-04-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about the steady progress my wife has been making with my transition.
She has been a great support to me but she has not found this easy.
At each small step she has had major concerns.
I initially started with wearing small items of clothing which she found very strange at first. In the beginning she insisted that I wear anything under my clothes so it was hidden. This way it was a secret and also she didn’t outwardly see it. Maybe she felt she could forget it and hide it from her mind. I think she did not want to accept that I may be transitioning so it was easier for her at first.
I slowly pushed this envelope a bit, in small steps. Each step lasted between a few weeks and a few months, but in general I felt I could not stop where I was. I think this slow progression has helped me to ensure I had no regrets so far and also has helped my wife adapt to things in a step by step way.
It’s also given her time at each point to get used to things and have an input into how things go and over what time frame. Concerns over many things including our relationship, Children, family, Job security and income as well as friends have all played a part.
The small steps I have gone through over the last 5 or 6 years were as follows.
- Initially wore some items of clothing and underwear under male clothes
- Wearing certain clothes on an infrequent basis around the house on my own
- As above but a little more frequently
- Occasionally wearing some clothes with my wife
- Trying Makeup
- Buying a wig
- Speaking to a counsellor
- Getting breast forms
- Dressing more frequently in our home with her around
- Shaving my legs
- Laser hair removal on my legs and body
- Shaving my arms
- Laser hair removal on my arms
- Going out in the car dressed as me
- Going to my first trans group meeting
- Having laser hair removal on my face
- Coming out to my kids
- Dressing as me every night at home
- Plucking my eyebrows
- Dressing as me at weekends also as me at home
- Going out together to our trans group meeting
- Going out to a GLBT night club and on a few occasions to a few GLBT bars together
- Having electrolysis on my face
- Speaking to a psychologist
- Staring Dutasteride to stop Male Pattern Baldness
- Dressing in women’s androgynous clothes almost all the time outside of work
- Telling my parents
- Telling my GP
- First appointment at the Gender Clinic
- Telling my brother and sister
- Telling my Mother in law
- NEXT STEP
My wife is finding loosing me difficult and to be honest is still finding the potential change to her sexuality a challenge.
That said we are still working at this in the hope that we will stay together.
Last weekend she encouraged me to wear my girl’s jacket when we went out. Now normally although I wear women’s clothes I have toned it down with something male such as a jacket, or style my hair in a slightly male way. But last weekend I did not have a male piece of clothing on at all, and styled my hair.
I loved the feeling and while short of openly presenting as a woman I certainly did not look like a man.
To be honest I don’t notice if anyone gives me a second look. I look people in the eye, put on a softer voice and do my best to fit in. But my wife is clearly a little more nervous. She seems to notice people giving me a second look.
At the supermarket on Saturday she claimed the lady serving me looked at me strangely. Now I looked at this woman and she didn’t seem to act strangely to me but this is not the first time she has said this.
I am not sure if this is down to her being so nervous or me being completely blasé about it.
The same thing happened on the way back from Euro Disney when we went into McDonalds in Calais. The man served me (I even had my pink glasses on) and I felt completely normal but she thought the man was acting strange. I pointed out when we sat down that he never once seemed to look over or talk about me but she was sure he was a bit strange.
Clearly at passport control the guy was curious. He looked at me then at my passport and looked again. After what seemed like an hour he looked at the rest of the passports and waved us through, but I think I need to be careful when travelling.
On Saturday night my wife encouraged me to wear my girly jumper when our neighbours came for dinner. She also had no problem with me wearing my girly slippers and styling my hair a bit. (As always we had a good night but no one seemed to notice or at least say something. That said the lady next door did a counselling course a few years ago and I am beginning to think they may be fine with me transitioning and may indeed suspect something)
On Sunday morning my wife gave me a hug and said “don’t leave me; I don’t want you to go.”
It seems watching my neighbours interact as man and wife brought all the feelings back to her.
I know she is finding this difficult and is really trying hard to make this work. I in turn feel guilty and it makes me feel sure that this slow transition is the right thing for us.
So I am a little unsure about my next step.
But I can still see my wife is slowly transitioning with me. We talked about her anxieties over people looking at me and she agreed to try to relax and not make an issue of it. I hope over the next few months she will find this easier too. She apologised for not feeling completely comfortable with going out with me presenting as a woman with a little makeup etc but said she will try over the next few months to let this happen.
What I want to do is come out to my extended family and neighbours and then plan coming out at work. But I guess the timescale for this is undecided at the moment.
But If I delay the timescale, it means unless I self medicate I can’t get access through the NHS to hormones as I have to be fulltime to conform to their requirements.
So to be honest I have been thinking about self medicating hormones a bit recently, which may help me delay the other things.
I am not sure how long our transition will take but am still hoping to do it together.
x

Euro Disney

2010-04-04T12:50:00.000-07:00

Well we had a great time in Euro Disney.
We set off at 8.00 AM on Sunday morning for the drive down to the Euro Tunnel to cross from Folkestone to Calais. We arrived early and managed to get onto an earlier train for the 40 minute crossing.
When we arrived in France we stopped for some fuel and got a little lost as we were unable to exit back onto the road we had left. About 30 stressful minutes later I had us back on the right road and we made our way towards Paris and then around the ring road to Euro Disney.
We stayed in a hotel ½ mile away on the first night. It was lovely but so damn expensive for food and drink.
I ordered 1 large beer, 3 cokes, 1 soda water and 1 orange juice and it came to 34.5 Euros!!! (About US$22)
I nearly fainted and did not order a second round. We then went to get some food and went to the self service buffet. They wanted to Charge 45 Euros per adult and 25 Euros per child. So for us and our 3 children it would have been 165 Euros !!!
We luckily had gone mad on the sandwiches and picnic stuff we had packed for the journey, and so decide to retire to our room and finish off the food. We also opened a bottle of wine we had bought with us (1 of 4) and drank that.
We got up early on Monday morning and moved to the Sequila lodge hotel first thing. This was one of the Disney hotels. We got our park passes and were on the park at 9.30AM.
We had a full day on the park. We were warned in advance as to the cost of food and drink so had prepared with plenty of goodies to eat in the day. We had also packed drinks which I carried in my rucksack.
Over the course of the Monday we managed to do a lot of rides and see some of the Disney characters.
Tuesday we went to the Walt Disney studios park and went straight to the tower of terror.
It was a great ride and even my 6 year old daughter enjoyed it.
My older 2 kids then found their favourite ride which was the Rock and roll Aerosmith rollercoaster. It was awesome and over the holiday we went on it 8 times!
We managed to fit in all the rides and on the last day, which was Thursday we went back to everyone’s favourite ride and did it once more.
We had pre-booked a half board plus option for the food which gave us access to most of the restaurants. It was well worth it and saved us a fortune.
We left the park at 3.00PM on Thursday and made our way home.
We managed to get an earlier channel tunnel crossing back as well, but were delayed on the M1 around Luton coming back. It was a pain as we were all tired and after a long journey the kids were becoming a bit irritable.
We eventually got home at 11.30 PM.
I have to admit I wasn’t really looking forward to the break but was doing it for the kids. But I did really enjoy it, even if it’s not the kind of relaxing break I normally enjoy.
We have been out for a couple of walks since we have been back and my Mum treated us to a traditional Sunday Roast beef dinner today, which was lovely.
I managed a 5 mile run today to work off some of the extra calories I had consumed and am planning a repeat tomorrow morning.
I hope everyone has had a happy Easter.
I have attached a few photos of our break. Hope they don’t bore you.
xx

Friends

2010-03-27T09:11:00.001-07:00

Today one of my first friends I ever had on line, in the old days of Yahoo 360, has decided to move on with her life and stop blogging.
It has left me feeling quite emotional today as I count Lori as a good friend, and it really feels like I have lost someone special.
She has always been an inspiration to me and I am grateful I came across her blog back then. She has managed to transition while keeping her family on board and has shown me it is possible.
She has always been supportive of all her friends in her blogs and took the time to comment and participate in her friends lives.
She managed to blog in a very real way, sometimes when her emotions and strength were weakened with the challenges that transition presented.
I wish her all the best in her life now although I also feel a great loss.
I have lost some other friends from those early days. Women who have been through transition and are now living there lives away from blog land. Every time it happens it leaves me feeling sad.
I sometimes wonder if it’s worth letting myself get too attached to my on line friends.
But I have learned so much from them and the support and advice they have given me has been wonderful and I guess out ways the feeling of loss when they move on.
This year I have decided to put more effort into meeting some of my on line friends and so far have met 2 of them.
I will also be meeting Caroline soon, so it will be up to 3.
If any of my other UK friends are ever around the Midlands area it would be great to meet for a coffee sometime.
I am going to Eurodisney tomorrow with my family and mother in law. I will be back on Friday so I will be of line for a while.
I wish you all a great week and should be back to send some virtual Easter eggs in time for next Sunday.
xxx

Gender Downer

2010-03-21T16:52:00.001-07:00

Despite my efforts at positive thoughts, running like hell and pretending I am ok, I can’t outrun this bout of Gender Downer.
Physically it’s the normal heart rate speeding up, hot sweats (unfortunately not Estrogen based ones yet) and tense feeling all over, especially in the stomach, and near to tears feeling.
To be honest I also seem to be carrying a lot of anger with me at the moment.
Mentally it’s “I want to be a woman now”
I seem to be processing my next steps. I am becoming impatient. As always I have been doing a lot of reading and reflecting. I read a couple of documents today on transitioning at work. It’s got me thinking about it. I am pessimistic about my future at work after coming out, but that it seems, will not stop me.
It’s strange; I can see the train of transition coming straight at me down the tracks with all the results of the head to head crash visible to me. But I seem to want to meet the train head on. I can’t stop myself. I am managing to slow my speed down – just, but that’s it.
As for my extended family I reckon I will have to come out to them over the next 2 or 3 moths or my pressure valve will blow completely open.
God I can’t wait for my life to be free of this crap.

I am now officially a student !

2010-03-18T14:53:00.000-07:00

I got confirmation from Leicester University that I am now enrolled on the 10 week Introduction / foundation course for the Counselling /Psychotherapy. It starts on 12th April and I am really looking forward to it. 4 years + of evenings attending lectures plus numerous hours of research and work at home seems daunting but I have don’t this before and am much more experienced and disciplined than I used to be so I should be ok.
In my confirmation letter they also asked for a photograph for my NUS Student Union card!
I have my fingers crossed that this will allow me access to the student discount that a lot of retailers offer. Does anybody know if I will get this at the grand age of 38???
I also got confirmation from the Nottingham Gender clinic of my next appointment on the 24th May. I have spent a couple of hours last night and a couple more compiling my life story for them. They have asked me to do this in a written form and to let them have it if possible, at my next meeting.
I am hoping to get this done before my Course starts as there will be significant course work that will take up a lot of time as well.
I have been disciplined over the last few days and managed to keep myself from eating rubbish, as well as cutting my portion size down. So far I have managed to run 20 miles since Saturday.
I have felt a few pulls of my GD over the last 2 days. I do seem to be able to push it away to the back of my mind better now though.

My mother in law and a new career!

2010-03-15T13:19:00.000-07:00

Well we went out for dinner last night with my family and my Mother in Law.
It was the first time I have seen her since my wife told her about me.
I was a bit nervous as I know she has been a bit upset, but to be honest everything seemed to be pretty normal.
I presented as normal in “Andro female” mode and she was fine. She didn’t mention anything at all which I did expect her to. Late on in the evening when the kids were in bed and my wife was upstairs we were in the living room just talking. I did consider bringing the issue up but decided against it, and we just talked about the normal things we would have in the past.
This morning before work I brought her a cup of tea in bed, with my pink dressing gown on and Pyjamas and she didn’t blink an eyelid.
Apparently she had a little chat with my wife to check she was ok and other than mention she could tell I plucked my eyebrows (as any self respecting girl would!!) she was apparently ok.
So I am pleased with that so far.
I am looking at changing even more things than just my physical gender in the second half of my life.
I have always been interested in how people think, and this has been even more so since I have been learning about myself and speaking to professional people in this area.
I have considered learning about psychology and counselling and doing something completely different to the sales and marketing I have been involved with thus far.
To this end I had a look on the internet at the weekend and found an introductory course at the Leicester University which is called “Introduction to counselling skills”.
It starts in April and runs for 10 weeks on a Monday night with 1 full Saturday to complete as well.
The course is a pre requisite to several optional Degree courses, and counts as a credit for them.
I will see how I like it but if I do enjoy it I hope to start the part time degree in September. That will mean 4 years in the evenings and a lot of personal time but I hope I can cope with it.
I did a part time HND in electronics and a HND in business and finance when I was younger so it will be like starting again!

A good place

2010-03-12T15:13:00.001-08:00

I have been feeling on an even keel now for quite a while.
It’s strange but it’s almost worrying not to be stressed!
I am half hoping I have found my balance.
The plans for this weekend involve preparing breakfast for my wife and children tomorrow followed by some shopping for mother’s day.
I am hoping to go for a long jog with my dog and my MP3 player loaded with some great tunes.
My wife is working tomorrow night so I plan to watch a film and enjoy a soak in the bath with plenty of bubbles and a magazine.
Sunday I will look after my wife on Mother’s day culminating in a meal at the local wonderful Indian restaurant in the evening.
My mother in law is also coming with us and will be staying over.
It will be the first time she has seen me since my wife told her about me wanting to transition. I am hoping that she will be ok, but am sure she will have plenty of questions.
x

A lovely evening with Lucy

2010-03-10T13:46:00.001-08:00

Well yesterday I got to spend a lovely evening with Lucy.
I visited her and stayed over last night.
She made me welcome the moment I arrived with a big hug and a lovely smile.
After a cup of tea I had a bath and changed out of my horrible shirt and trousers into some decent clothes.
I joked that I feel like Mr Ben, the old cartoon character. (I loved the way he walked into the changing room in his suit, and had wonderful adventures. After his adventure he appeared coming out of the changing room again in his suit again) I wish I didn’t have to ever come out of the changing room!
We literally talked from the minute I got in at 5.30 until eventually we retired for bed at 1.00AM
We had a great Indian Take away meal and Lucy forced a whole bottle of white wine down me!
She is an amazing woman with so much energy despite her illness. She made me feel at ease and had me laughing at her life stories.
I am sure Caroline, Lucy and I will have a ball on the trip to Caroline’s photographic exhibition.
I have to mention what a cute cat Smudge is. He really is cool.
Thanks Lucy for a lovely evening.
This is now the second friend I have met in person, from my on line friends.
I will meet Caroline in June if not before, but I also would love to meet all my other friends at some time.
I am going to sparkle, in July his year, so I hope to meet a few more there.
As for my friends in the US and Canada I can only hope that maybe one day we can meet.
xx

A strange dream and making cakes

2010-03-03T10:40:00.000-08:00

I don’t often remember dreams but the other morning I woke up and remembered my dream.
It was a strange one.
I remember that I was blow drying my hair after a shower and everything seemed normal. I was pleased with how my hair looked and the next thing I remember was that I went to bed.
I then seemed to have an out of body experience and was looking down at myself on the bed.
From this height it was obvious that I had hardly any hair on the top of my head and I remember thinking that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed this when I was blow drying my hair.
I looked awful and I was anxious what everybody would think of me. I remember feeling sad.
I looked like Rab C Nesbit (but without the string vest)
When I woke up I went straight to the mirror to make sure it was a dream and that it all hadn’t disappeared!
Thank God it was.
In other news my cake baking is going well. It generally involves both the girls and I
The first week the girls chose a chocolate sponge cake with chocolate sauce in the middle of the 2 sponge layers.
I chose a cheese cake.
Both of these turned out well.
The second week the girls chose to make a 2 flavour shortcake roll, with vanilla and chocolate layers. This was lovely and was devoured quickly.
For my choice I decided to make a lemon meringue. Now the base and the lemon layers went really well. Unfortunately I made a real mess of the meringue topping. So we ended up with a lemon pie!
I was gutted as it took me ages.
Last weekend the girls chose a chocolate brownie cake with marsh mellows on top.
I decided to make some Baileys crème brulee.
Fortunately they were both lovely. In fact I have had crème brulee for 3 nights on the trot!
I am loving the taste and texture of freshly made cakes.
Now the difficult choice of what to make this weekend.
Any suggestions?

My wife and I watched a lovely film on DVD last week. It was called "Away we go" and was a simple story with sentiment and fun.
I fell in love with the soundtrack, which was predominantly by an artist called Alexi Murdoch. I have one of his tracks below called all my days
I wish I could play the guitar like this.

Visit to the Gender Clinic

2010-03-02T07:48:00.001-08:00

I got up in the morning yesterday to be greeted by a wonderful blue sky. I looked out of the window and wondered if my day was going to be equally as good.
I got dressed in my usual smart casual clothes. A pair of jeans from New look, a nice dress shirt and a pair of boots.
I borrowed a jacket from my wife as neither of mine went very well with what I wore.
I left home just after 9.00 and arrived in Nottingham 50 minutes early. After parking up directly outside the building I decided to go for a walk around the park which was opposite. I also popped into the park cafe for a coffee.
I tried not to plan too much on what I was going to say or do. In my experience the more natural and open and honest you are the better.
I went in at 10.50AM and just after 11.00 the psychiatrist came out to greet me. She was a woman in her 40’s, who had a nice and open feel to her.
After the initial introductions and outline of the process the NHS take, she told me what she wanted to go through. She said some of the questions may be very personnel and if I felt I couldn’t answer or wanted to know why she was asking them then I should feel free to ask.
We chatted at length about my early experiences and life from a child to now.
She asked about my relationships with others, my parents relationship, my early understanding of sex, my sex life, masturbation, fantasies, life experiences, marriage, children work and just about everything else you could think of.
I didn’t feel threatened at all. I answered everything in as much detail as I could and as honestly as I could.
I also raised one or 2 concerns I had with a couple of experiences I had had while growing up. I wanted to raise them in case they were relevant.
She asked me where I wanted all this to go.
I told her I wanted to transition but am struggling with the impact on my kids through my transition and the potential impact a loss of income (should that happen) may have on them.
I said one scenario could be that I may delay my transition for a couple of years but would like to at least start hormones even at a low level to help me move forwards slowly.
She explained that was not how the NHS system works, and they will only do that once I go full time. She said they may be prepared to start soon after I go full time but certainly not before.
I can understand this to a degree but not everyone’s circumstances are the same.
If starting hormones helped keep me where I am to some degree, in order to delay my need to move forward to full time transition, wouldn’t that be better overall for my family. I could then be a step closer when the impact on them could be less. I would also look like a woman with the physical changes and facial changes that the hormones would give.
She said she understood this but that was the procedure they take.
I asked what her thoughts were of me and she said she could not make a formal assessment until after our 3rd meeting. However she said I clearly suffered from Gender Dysphoria and it seemed to be getting more intense with time.
The meeting was scheduled for 1 hour to 1 ½ hours. We ended up taking nearly 2 hours.
She thanked me for my honesty and said she was pleased with my cautious approach with things so far. She said she felt much better about people that had continually asked themselves difficult questions than with people who come in and say they are 100% sure and never have had any doubt.
They will send me an appointment for my second session which will be with another Psychiatrist followed by a third appointment with them both together.
At the third appointment they want me to bring a family member. Obviously this will be my wife hopefully.
My project for the next meeting is to prepare a written story of my life so far. Somewhere between 2 pages and a book she said was normal!
I have to say I found the meeting comfortable and enlightening, although at times I did get a bit emotional (which was a little embarrassing).
When I got home I took our dog out for a walk across the fields and listened to Enya on my MP3 player.
I haven’t listened to her for years and found myself again becoming a bit emotional listening to her beautiful voice and enjoying the music.
I spoke to my Mum on the phone and gave her an update. She said my sister was still a bit worried about things and was slowly working through her feelings. She hasn’t had the opportunity to speak to my brother about it yet.
He said he would call me at the weekend and visit us before he goes away on Thursday. He hasn’t done this. I’m not sure if that is because he feels uncomfortable or if it’s because he is too busy (which he normally is)
My wife also spoke to her Mum yesterday. It seems she is finding it very difficult to handle at the moment. My wife suggested she tell her friend so she has someone else to talk this through with.
XX

1 week on

2010-02-28T08:25:00.001-08:00

My wife went out for dinner with my mother in law on Thursday and told her about me. It seems she was working up the courage for most the night and only told her 30 minutes before I arrived to take them home.
When they got in the car everything was completely normal and nothing was said, so my first thought was that she had not been told.
When we dropped her off home, my wife told me that she had told her Mum. Apparently she had not noticed any changes in me and was really surprised. Obviously her initial concerns were my wife and children.
She called my wife the next day and apparently had not slept much with worry. She is not the type of person to get upset much, but this obviously shocked her. My wife and her spoke for a while and it seemed to calm her fears a bit.
I haven’t seen her directly again yet but hope to next weekend so I can gauge how she is with this. She has told my wife she has seen some things on Transsexual people on TV and in the press.
My brother and sister are seemingly supportive still but concerned I have thought this all through properly.
I called them both this week. My brother asked quite direct questions as to the impact on my kids and wife to make sure I had thought of everything. He also said he would call this weekend and visit us to have a chat before he goes away for a week. So far no call yet.
My wife and I have been a bit snappy at each other. I think we are both a bit stressed with all this coming out to people. It seems that we obviously have to be ready and able to answer all the same questions and worries again. The problem is it makes your head go around and around, and seems to have me questioning everything again.
I guess my energy levels are also depleted a bit as I have been suffering from a very heavy cold that has left me feeling really washed out.
I am also a little anxious about me meeting with the psychiatrists at the gender clinic tomorrow. I have picked out my outfit.
As usual for me and very much in my style, it will be smart casual.
A pair of dark blue jeans, a lovely dress top and a pair of Ugg boots (copies!)
I will wear a little light makeup also.
I have to be there for 11.00 AM and as I understand it, it will last about 1.5 hours.
I hope I am mentally ready for it as I am feeling a bit unsure at the minute.

My wife is telling my Mother in law

2010-02-24T15:02:00.000-08:00

Well it seems my wife is now ready to tell her Mother about me.
She is going out for dinner with her tomorrow evening and plans to tell her then.
She said she will be nervous and would have liked to have had a wine to relax her a bit. So I offered to drop them off at 6.00PM and pick them up at 9.00PM.
It is obvious her main concern will be my wife, which is understandable.
I am hopeful that she will be ok with me.
Although she is 68she is young for her age. She still works and goes on holidays with her friends all over the place.
It could be an interesting journey home though if she does not take it well.
We have also booked a short trip with her over Easter. I am hoping this news does not spoil that break.
I think it will be good for my wife to be able to talk to her mum about this. Hopefully she doesn’t have a negative impact, which I guess is always a possibility.
x

Expanding social life :-)

2010-02-23T09:20:00.000-08:00

Well I am certainly starting to get my social life in order.
I already have some plans in place this year to start meeting friends I have made through blogger and via other social settings.
The first is with the lovely Lucy. We will have a day’s shopping with a nice lunch somewhere. Then we will be checking into a hotel and off for dinner and dancing!.
The second jaunt, and even more extravagant is a weekend trip with Lucy in June, to see Caroline’s Photographic exhibition in France.
Cheap airline tickets are booked already. We are going to stay at Caroline’s sister’s place. The weather in the South of France in June should be perfect
Again I can’t wait to meet Caroline and her wife.
Finally my wife and I are going to Sparkle in Manchester in July. We will be going on the Friday and coming back on Sunday. My parents are babysitting.
I am also hoping to meet up with Alison for a coffee over the next week or so.
I am starting to feel alive!!
These outings are exciting and a little daunting as they are a step further than I have been before.
I also have to think how to handle the travel to France. I guess I should travel in androgynous mode, as my passport is for my twin brother!
I am not sure where I will be with all this at the end of this year, but I am sure it is going to be eventful.
:-) xx

Impatient to move forward

2010-02-21T11:35:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling surprisingly stressed since telling my brother and sister about me.
I am amazed really as I expected the initial high to last.
But what seems to have happened is that I have removed another obstacle and now in my mind I have more confidence that I can transition.
I can’t stop thinking about transitioning. I keep thinking I want to do everything ASAP.
I am feeling GD a bit intensely at the moment.
I spoke to my Mum last night and today.
My sister and brother have both called her. They were extremely surprised by my announcement and have been thinking about it quite a lot.
They are worried about us all but especially the kids.
It seems my brother may come around soon to talk about things. I hope he does as it will be a great opportunity to answer any questions and discuss his worries.
My sister texted me to say she was ok with things but worried for us.
I guess this is to be expected at this early stage.
x

Well that went well ! :-)

2010-02-18T14:54:00.000-08:00

Well I have just got back and it all went really well.
I got to my brothers house at 7.00PM. I had a chat with his kids for a while and then we had a coffee and a chat in the kitchen.
They had been worrying about what I was going to tell them and actually had it down to 2 scenarios.
The first was that I was gay and coming out.
The second was that I had a child with another woman before I got married!
When I told them they were completely fine and my brother and his wife both hugged me.
We had a long chat and I explained things. They asked plenty of questions about my future, my kids and my wife.
I couldn’t have hoped for better and they said they would support me whatever I do.
Then off to my Sisters house to see her and her Partner.
Again they were brilliant. We hugged and they said they loved me and didn’t mind what I do as long as I am happy.
I encouraged them all to ask any questions as and when they needed to.
The girls also said they will call my wife to give her support. My wife will really appreciate someone else to talk to about this as she needs to get things clear in her own mind.
I think she is close to telling her Mum now.
So to show how I am feeling you should listen to the following song, but in 2 words I’m a “happy girl”.
Mika, We are Golden

xx

Time frames changed, I am telling my brother and Sister tonight

2010-02-18T06:31:00.001-08:00

Well everything has changed today!

I had a call from my brother this morning.
My sister works for him and they had both been discussing the fact I had arranged to see them for achat.
Apparantly they were both talking to their partners last night about what I may tell them, and they are all worried.
Apparantly they also called my Mum to see if she knew anything.

Obviously my Mum said they should wait for me to tell them and not worry.

They asked If I, My wife or kids were ill, if my wife and I were splitting etc, etc.
I told them to not worry as we were all ok. They then said they couldnt wait till the weekend and needed to see me sooner.

Basically they have asked me to tell them tonight.

They sugested I tell them all together and they would go to my Brothers.
I didnt want to do this as It will be difficult enough telling each of them and there partners, without all of them together.

So Tonight I will be at my Brothers at 7.15PM and then onto my sisters for around 9.00 OM.
I am starting to feel nervous, but am sure I need to do it.

I will need more than a glass of wine tonight when I get home!
Maybe I will dig out some Single Malt whisky. Hopefully accompanied with a sigh of relief and a smile on my face.
x

Telling my Brother and Sister this weekend

2010-02-17T13:28:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about telling my brother and sister about me for quite some time.
I have had the letters written for them and was just waiting for the right time.
Well now I have my 1st appointment at the Nottingham gender clinic on March 1st, I have decided I need to tell them.
I called my Mum and Dad to let them know I would do it this weekend. I wanted to make sure they were prepared as it is likely my Brother and Sister will want to talk to them about it.
They felt the time was right as well.
So I called my Sister first. I have arranged to go around and see her and her Fiancée on Friday evening. She was curious why I wanted to chat and said she was worried. I told her not to worry and it was nothing serious.
She is a natural worrier and I am sure her mind will be all over the place.
I then called my brother. He was at the gym so I chatted with his wife.
I have arranged to go around and see them on Saturday afternoon. Again she said she was intrigued by my call.
I felt relief after I made the arrangements but am sure I will get progressively nervous towards the weekend.
I know I will have earned a large glass of wine on both Friday and Saturday nights!
x

Planning to go to sparkle 2010

2010-02-14T13:42:00.001-08:00

My wife had a talk this week with the wife of a woman who is now full time and on hormones.
I know this woman through a local group, and she offered to speak to my wife and help if she could.
My wife found it really useful to talk to someone who knows how she feels and also has been successful in staying together. They talked for over an hour and have arranged to talk again soon.
We are all hoping to get together some time for a meal or something, which would be really nice.
In fact my wife is now all for delaying our summer holiday by a few days so we can visit Sparkle in Manchester for the weekend on Friday 10th – Sunday 12th July.
I have asked my mum if she can baby sit and she said that would be fine.
So I am really looking forward to that.
For my American friends, Sparkle is in the organiser’s words “The BIGGEST public celebration of Transgender in the World!”
It is based in Manchester. The web site is as follows for anyone who is interested. http://www.sparkle.org.uk/
I think it will be a fun weekend.
Other than that, we have eaten most of the cakes we baked! I felt so guilty I went for another run. 
After my son finished Rugby today we came home, he dived in the bath (couldn’t believe it he is normally allergic to water and soap!) and then I took him to meet his girlfriend of 4 months , at the cinema to see “Valentines day” He is 11 going on 18 LOL
I can’t remember having a girlfriend at that age. I had many friends who were girls but was not confident enough to have a girlfriend.
Maybe it’s the fact he has sisters?
I am just about to practice the guitar for a bit. My motivation seems to be coming back.
xxx

Baking cakes

2010-02-13T09:25:00.001-08:00

My wife went shopping last night with her Mum, and my eldest daughter stayed at her friend’s house; so my youngest daughter wanted to do something.
We decided to bake some cakes which I haven’t done for ages.
So off to Morrison’s we went to but the ingredients and weighing scales!
£30.00 lighter and 2 heavy bags later, we arrived home and made a start.
We decided upon a chocolate sponge cake with cream and drizzled milk / white chocolate topping.
We also made a vanilla cheesecake with chocolate topping.
It was great fun and both cakes turned out well.
We had our first tasting at lunch time today of the sponge cake, and had an early evening tasting of the cheesecake at 4.00.
We really enjoyed it.
I did earn it as I managed to a 5 mile jog cross country today, and took my dog. She has been sleeping for 2 hours! (She is only 9 months)
As my wife is working tomorrow night we are having an Indian takeaway and will share a bottle of Pink Champagne.
Hopefully followed by a cuddle on the couch, while watching the film we have hired.
My son was taken by my sister and her partner to see Leicester city play Scunthorpe at football. Leicester won 5 – 1 so I think he will be happy.
x

Parents evening

2010-02-09T12:43:00.001-08:00

I am feeling full of energy tonight. 
We went to a parents evening for my daughters after work. They both are well liked and very well behaved at school. They are trying hard and progressing well. They are both average in there levels, but are both blessed with great common sense and good humour. They mix well and have many friends
My son had his parents evening also last week and although we did have some issues in his transition into senior school for the first term, he now seems to have settled down.
He was with us at his parents evening and listened to his teachers comments. He had mixed reviews really. The main problem seems to be lack of attention and talking in class. He seems to be in a group that while not trouble makers, they are a bunch of jokers.
He really can’t afford this as he has dyslexia and it will be easy for him to lose a lot of ground if he does not try.
We had a talk with him before Christmas, and his teachers all commented that in the last few weeks he seems to have knuckled down more.
Since the parents evening he has bought home 4 praise slips for effort and behaviour. I have promised him a jacket he wants if he reaches 20. He is really trying now.
We can ask no more from them and I am so proud of them all.
I spoke to my doctor about my blood pressure and he says it is a bit high in an average of the results, but it was significantly higher on Friday and Monday.
No surprise there, the stress of my job!
No need for pills at this stage. What he suggested was to keep the exercise up, avoid too much salt and to try to relax more. In fact he suggested Yoga or Tai Chi.
That might be fun, apart from the fact I haven’t got too much spare time.
He also wished me luck at the gender clinic. He is such a nice guy.
I had my 30 minutes of electrolysis on Monday night. The next session is in 2 weeks time. The highlight in my diary!
I will be speaking tomorrow night to my councillor to help get my thoughts in order. I am looking forward to that.
My wife has made contact via email to the 2 partners of the TS women I met on Saturday night. She is due to talk to one of them tomorrow. I hope it goes well for her.
My wife is a sweetie. She bought me some flowers last week. 12 lovely white roses.
x

Appointmant at the Gender Clinic

2010-02-07T09:19:00.000-08:00

It’s been a really busy week in many areas of my life.
Work is manic with lots of stress and deadlines to meet. I am beginning to hate it, and really must look for something else, or consider starting a small business.
I have been to the nurse on the last 3 Fridays as my blood pressure was high. It has been a little high on each occasion and this Friday they gave me a monitor to take home and record several readings each day.
Unsurprisingly, on Friday at work it was high all day and only started to drop down late in the evening.
Yesterday and today it has been a lot better.
I have to return it tomorrow but am fairly sure it will be sky high again as it will be another nightmare Monday.
I will wait to see what the doctor says I guess.
I received a letter from the Nottingham Gender Clinic on Friday confirming my appointment on the 1st March.
It has happened relatively quickly as I hadn’t expected to get an appointment until May time.
At first I was ecstatic and now I am scared.
Strange how my emotions swing so much.
There are so many reasons that I can’t wait and also so many that I am dreading it.
I have an appointment on Wednesday evening with a councillor I used to speak to a lot.
I have a few things I need to talk through with her. I have booked 3 sessions and probably will use them all before this meeting the Gender Clinic.
I am also scheduled to have a meeting with my psychologist as well next week.
Hopefully I will be able to get things crystal clear and move away from this merry go round.
I went to the Leicester Chameleons group last night for the first time in 8 months. It is a mixed group of Transgender people. There are a couple of TS girls who are now full time and on hormones. Both have supportive partners / wives and it was great to talk to them.
I also met a transitioned Female to male man, who looked great. I honestly thought he was male. He was really interesting to talk to. An artist who used to teach as well. Originally from North Wales but now a resident of Leicester.
It’s a shame my wife could not join me this time. She finds it beneficial talking to the other wife’s, and would have benefited greatly from meeting the wife’s of the 2 women who are transitioning.
I do have their contact details though and they have said they will be happy to talk to my wife.
Hopefully she will find it helpful.
I feel much better after the meeting and am now feeling convinced again that this is my path.
I managed a 4 mile run today and my blood pressure seems normal right now.
My plan for tonight is a glass of wine and watching dancing on ice. I just love that programme.
xxxx

Natural Brunette

2010-02-01T13:16:00.000-08:00

After a busy start to the week, I got home and managed my second run in 2 days.
Motivation is returning after this damn cold.
I have just finished helping my son with his maths homework, which if you met my son and knew of his loathing for maths, you would appreciate was a stressful hour!

I am now sitting here with a completely natural hair colouring on my head. I have to keep this stuff on for 2 hours under the plastic cap, which helps keep the heat and moisture in.

So at 10.45 precisely I will take off the cap, wash away all those lovely natural ingredients, free from every chemical none to man and woman, and hopefully admire my 100% naturally coloured hair.

I wonder now I am using a natural colour if I can honestly claim I am a completely natural brunette Girl??

My forecast for the rest of the evening is a couple of glasses of wine and a catch up on all my friends blogs.

One question I have been wondering a little about is, " Is what we want, what we need?"

xxxxxx

My Daughters 10th Birthday

2010-01-29T15:42:00.001-08:00

Today was my daughter Amy’s 10th birthday.
She is a beautiful girl and so kind and considerate. She loves to sing and has many friends. She is a member of the brownies and has just moved up to the position of a 6’er which means she helps run a group of 6 younger girls.
I had to go to work early but managed to wake her and see her open her presents before I left for work.
When I got home we went to the local Indian restaurant for dinner. It was Amy’s choice as she loves Indian food.
My mum and Dad came along with my sister and her fiancée and my mother in law.
We are well known in the restaurant and got a great table. The food was to die for.
They bought out a selection of Indian sweets for my daughter as a gift.
There was enough for most of us!
It was finished off with them bringing out the birthday cake, with candles, that we had given them.
It was amazing as the restaurant was full and nearly everyone in there sang happy birthday to my daughter. 
A lovely night!
Tomorrow she is having a swimming party after which we have 3 of her friends for a sleep over.
If it’s true to past experiences the last thing they will be doing is sleeping!
I am sure on Sunday I will be ready for R&R !
I have just about got over the cold and have managed to enjoy 3 glasses of wine tonight, so am in a relaxed mood.
It’s manic at work with long days and lots of stress as usual.
I agreed with my elctrologist that I will now reduce the visits to once every 2 weeks as it only takes 25 minutes a week now and seems a waste of time for weekly visits.
Tomorrow I plan to go for my first run for 2 weeks. I am in desperate need of getting rid of some stress.
I am still in limbo with where my path lies at the moment.
I am thinking of calling my old therapist for a chat. She was easy to talk to and may help me sort things out.
My wife is doing fine and is finding her chats with my Mum useful.
I don’t ask for any details but am really pleased they can talk to each other about me. I think they both find it helpful.
I had my hair cut on Tuesday evening. I have had to get the length reduced a bit as I had a few comments from people at work saying I looked scruffy.
It’s really difficult making long hair look masculine and tidy!
It upset me a bit to be honest but practicality has to play a part at the moment. I am pleased he is good and I can still style it in a feminine way when I want.
Can’t wait for the time when I won’t have to worry about all this middle ground.
xxxx

Dancing on ice

2010-01-24T07:49:00.001-08:00

Well after numerous early nights and now a whole week without a glass of wine!, I think I am starting to get over the worse of this cold.
I spent most of Saturday with my 2 daughters. My youngest had been invited to a birthday party at the Snowdome at 3.45PM. They were going to be doing a session of snow play and a session of mini sledging.
Now since the new series of dancing on ice has been on, my daughters have been really keen to try ice skating.
So as we were going to the snow dome, I called up to see what time the sessions were on. They had an ideal session at 2.30 – 4.30 so we went early so we could attend.
All the way there the girls were telling me of the dancing, and jumps they were going to be doing! When I stopped laughing I told them that if may be a while till they get to that stage.
On arrival and after queuing I was told that they were full and I should have pre booked. I was not a happy girl so I explained I had driven a fair distance and called for timings. At which time I was told to come down and queue. The woman said she couldn’t help.
I could see my daughters look of disappointment, so I insisted seeing the manager.
He was great and after apologising gave us free entrance! 
So after booting up we ventured onto the ice. I have done it before although over 15 years ago so could just about skate but my youngest struggled at the beginning. I then spotted some young kids pushing penguins around to help them, so I hired one of those for 30 minutes.
She then held onto the handles and pushed it around.
I was amazed that after 30 minutes with this she was actually able to skate on her own. What a huge smile she had on her face!
Now my 9 year old daughter took to it straight away. She skates on roller skates and roller blades quite a bit and there was no stopping her.
We left the area for 5 minutes to take my youngest to her party in another area and then came back for the final 45 minutes with just the 2 of us.
She was so confident that we went onto the speed skating track that goes around the building.
I had forgotten how tired your legs get when skating.
They were both buzzing on the way home, with all the excitement. No sooner had we got home, than we had to leave again to take them to a swimming party. I had to go into the pool with them as my youngest can’t swim a length yet.
I picked up a Chinese takeaway on the way home. 10.30 is not a good time to eat but we were hungry!
I slept in late this morning.
The girls keep asking when they can go again.
As for tonight, we will be sat in front of the television watching dancing on ice!

xxx