Bitter sweet
My last week at work and only tomorrow to go before I am officially full time.
I envisaged I would feel like celebrating and be on cloud 9 but while I am pleased at being able to start my new life it is tinged with some regrets for the things I have lost.
On a personal front I have lost my wife. We are still close and I guess like best friends but the love, intimacy and relationship we had are gone now.
While we still talk and are open with each other there is still a sense of loss in both of us which sometimes finds its way to the surface and we end up a little upset. I know this will get easier but it still hurts.
My relationship with my kids will be different and I won’t be able to see them do the things I used to. Things like taking my kids to Karate, Rugby, Brownies, swimming and choir etc are now off the agenda in the immediate future at least. Parents evening and school plays etc I am also going to miss as I am going to respect my children’s wishes to give them some space in those environments.
I watched my son play rugby on Sunday for the last time. I had to walk away a little from the other parents as I was feeling a little fragile. My daughters have not allowed me to take them to school or their social clubs at all this school year in case anyone sees me.
It’s not that they are not comfortable with me its more that they are worried what others will say and any fall out. So far everyone including their close friends and parents have been great, but that is not to say that everyone will be.
I know I will shed some tears at those times although I will hide them. It feels like in some way I am excluded from certain parts of their lives.
This last couple of weeks at work has also been a bit emotional. I have said goodbye to many people internally and externally whom I have built up very good relationships with over the last 10 years. Almost without fail there has been genuine concern when I told them I was leaving for a while for personal reasons. I was unable to be more open with them than that due to an agreement. But they all were concerned for my health and offered their assistance in any way they could help. They all said they hoped to see me in the New Year when I sorted these personal issues out.
Most people at work are coming in tomorrow to say goodbye to me. Although the announcement said I was only leaving temporarily most realise they will not see me again. God knows how I am going to stop myself from bursting into tears!
So a sense of loss for the things I have lost or left behind in my transition.
At the same time tempered by the chance to start my life afresh and more honest with myself and the world.
Not quite the feelings I thought I would be having on the eve of my last day presenting as a man.
My god how bizarre, I am listening to an album called “Acoustic love” and “Perfect day” has just started playing.
Hopefully it will be.
cheltenham races
29 minutes ago
6 comments:
I'm so sorry for the losses, and right now you're experiencing too many at once. I hope that in time you create a new relationship with your wife that works for both of you. I hope that in time your kids get past this period of excluding you.
I realize you can't say much about work yet. I also realize that because of this, I have no real information, except what I saw in earlier blog entries. I hope you are actually coming out of this OK, because it does not sound to me as though your so-to-be-former employer has done right. An announcement that you are leaving temporarily seems positively dishonest!
I have a feeling that you will soon be building new relationships. You'll get past the losses into new gains. And even find that perfect day!
BTW, if I said anything about the company that you can't print, just delete the comment and let me know. Ta!
xoxo
Finally being able to present as the real you will make your perfect day.
Caroline XXX
I'm sorry too, that you are having to lose so much, just to be yourself. Eventually those losses will be a distant memory, and you will finally be free to live the life you were always meant to live, though I sure that seems like little comfort to you now.
My thoughts about your employer echo Veronica's. I'll just leave it at that.
Big Hug!
Melissa XXOO
Some relationship will not survive transition this huge, and each person must find their own balance levels. Although my breakup was difficult for both of us, we could not have survived too much longer if we tried to stay, for the children.
Recent events have brought the family together several times in one way or the other, and my daughter tells me that she can see that both her mother and I are happy with our lives. Her mother is just uncomfortable and really doesn't know what to say when she was around me. And she remembers that I was not very good at conversation when we were together. So Kay and I are working with my daughter and her mother to make sure that the future son in law is well taken care of after his surgery to remove a brain tumor. The are both exhausted but everyone is surviving.
Peace,
Sarah
I'm sorry to read of your loses.
As the others have said, I hope that you can build a new relationship with you children, and that you managed to build the new relationship with your wife.
Work sounds 'interesting', hope you cope with your final day.
Sterkte,
Stace
Thanks to you all. You wishes mean a lot to me.
It was a sad day really. It felt like I was leaving friends.
I went out with some colleagues for lunch and shared a hug with many when I went to say goodbye.
I did shed a tear or two, unfortunately a few in front of others but hey ho.
As far as my Director went a quick shake of my hand and goodbye foloowed by him carrying on a meeting and as for the owner I didnt see him in the afternoon at all.
But although I cant say a lot I am sure when I say I am ok for a year you will understand.
Now for the next chapter.
xx
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