What a stressful few days

What a few days.
Lots going on as always and not all good unfortunately.
First the positive news is that I went out for dinner on Wednesday night with a friend from University. We met at 7.30 and couldn’t stop talking. In fact the waitress came to take our order 3 times because we just couldn’t seem to pull ourselves away from chat! It was a lovely evening and I felt really comfortable there as me. (He does read this blog so thanks for a nice evening)
I also went to the cinema tonight to see Inception. I went on my own as I was let down by a friend but I really needed to get out and away from things for a bit. It was an interesting film and one which I enjoyed. I went there and treated myself to a popcorn and diet coke. I was the only girl there on her own, but I didn’t feel too weird. You can’t really chat when you go to the pictures anyway I suppose. I still would have preferred to go with someone but hey ho.
Now for the rest of the week.
It’s been a really stressful one really.
I have felt at times right on the edge. I have been using coping mechanisms a bit such as distraction and running all the stress out of myself to cope. When I think too much about what is happening right now my mind runs off and I am struggling to hold the tears back.
As you know, the work transition and still managing to keep my job is in full swing and is proving quite difficult. On the good side they are seeing my counsellor next Thursday who also specialises in transition support to companies. I am hoping this helps move things forward but it is still on my mind all the time.
In addition to this when I got home on Tuesday my wife and I had a chat. She speaks to the kids about things a lot and it would seem, as expected that they are worried about what their friends will say and think. It seems that they had mentioned to her it may be easier if I move out for a bit.
My wife is also struggling with seeing me transition and she suggested it may be best if I did move out and get somewhere myself.
I really don’t want to. I wanted and thought we would do this together as friends, as we have discussed this before and she was in agreement it would be for the best to live together, until one of us needs to move on after I go full time.
I spoke to the kids and they are worried about their friends if I stay, but at the same time feel they really would like me to be here.
I spoke to my wife and said if we stay strong together and handle this correctly then I think things will be ok. I asked her if it was just about the kids or was she really struggling. Basically she is really struggling. A final decision has not been made yet but if I were a betting girl I think this week she will ask me to move out.
On top of this my wife is dating again and has seen a guy a few times now. They text a lot and she smiles and laughs like I remember she used to with me. It’s really hard to see the woman you love moving on and dating someone else.
To be clear my wife and I are not arguing and are still like best friends. The kids don’t see us at loggerheads or anything. We are trying to deal with this in the best way we can for everyone concerned
I am also worried about how we can afford for me to move out without selling our house. I may be able to rent a room for a few months so that we could keep the house for a while but if I were to rent a flat or a small house we certainly would have to put the house up for sale.
That would mean more major disruption for the kids, which I really wanted to avoid.
I guess it would mean involving solicitors as well, because we do have equity in the house and as such with my wife moving on it could bring a formal separation / divorce to the fore.
So basically from just dealing with going full time at work and then passing these other bridges in the future I am dealing with work and job security, moving out, my wife dating someone else, money worries, formal split and more disruption for the kids
But worse than this I am feeling really guilty about the effect my transition is having on my wife and kids. This is all my fault and certainly nothing to do with them. It’s not something they should be going through.
Sure I haven’t really had any GD since I am me most the time but in its place has come lots of guilt and major worries of other kinds.
This really is proving hard to deal with and at times I feel that I am almost a spectator in my life. When I am talking to people it’s like I am going through the motions but my mind is elsewhere and I am only giving the task at hand 20% of my concentration. My thought processes seem slow and overwhelmed. It really does feel like I am somewhere else in my mind. It feels like I am having an out of body experience a lot of the time. If I think about the things that are going on to much I end up fighting back the tears.
On Friday when I arrived at a customer’s place I had to sit in the car for 30 minutes as I was in tears and had to let my eyes and face get back to normal.
I am really worried that although now I am living as a woman and am comfortable in myself, I will spend the rest of my life really really uncomfortable with myself. (For putting my family through this)
It’s a rock and a hard place.