I am here on holiday, late at night and my family are all in bed.
After another good day as me in Norwich shopping, I am feeling low.
I have no right to at all.
I have come a long way. My wife is still my best friend even if our relationship is changing. My kids are all close and are now completely comfortable with me out and about. They all see how easily I slip into my natural role and how well people accept me.
So why do I feel low.
Is it the thought of my holiday ending and going back to the work transition thing?
Am I not strong enough to do this?
I am scared admittedly.
Mainly about 2 things. Work is the first and Guilt is the second. Guilt for my children and my wife.
They are adapting to the changes but bizarrely it seems I am having a harder time. I am so worried about the changes that are going on that it’s giving me a lot of stress.
My wife is now moving on slowly and she is looking forward. This needs to be the subject of another blog but basically she is starting to date again. Its early stages, one meeting and a lot of texting but she is looking forward.
It’s the first time in ages I have seen her so enthused and happy. Looking forward to possibilities rather than worrying about my transition.
I will write again about this but it is relevant I feel to how I am feeling now.
I hate to admit it but I have been struggling with the realisation that everything in my life is about to change. I mean everything. It’s so bizarre because I knew it would. I expected it. I told everyone it would but now it’s here it’s still a shock.
I will lose my wife as a wife. Hopefully not as a best friend but certainly as a wife.
My kids now all see me as woman. They call me Lisa 80 % of the time. They refer to me in the correct pronouns.
But my relationship is changing with them in a huge way.
My relationship with my Mum, dad, sister, brother and everyone else I know is and has changed
But it is so scary. I am not sure I have read about these feelings before and so wanted to be honest with myself and everyone else.
I kind of wonder if I have lost myself in all this.
I don’t know quite where to ground myself and how to relate to everyone. It’s all so new.
I feel free of GD but totally consumed with other stresses.
If the truth be known I have had feelings occasionally over the last few days about ending things. They haven’t been as bad as in the past but I have wondered about it.
Our last day here tomorrow and I hope it’s a good one, stress free.
I am going to need all my mental strength at work when I get back. I haven’t been able to get it completely from my mind and have been playing back in my mind the various conversations we have had with the board.
Wow this whole thing is so damn hard. I fucking hate it. I am struggling to contain the tears.
I guess having done my first module in counselling I should let them flow and acknowledge them.
x
Please help my friend Rebecca
7 hours ago
7 comments:
Yes, absolutely let the tears flow. Freely!!
Everyone has stood at the edge of her future and wondered how will she survive as she gazes into the darkness. But when I read about how close your family is to you and your children are comfortable with Lisa; that's a huge plus. Having your children accept you that way that you have described is being way ahead of the game.
We all allow fear to control us as we accept the changes when we transition. The huge tide turning us away from our children and wife leaving us stranded on the shore. All we have to do is turn around and walk toward the firmer ground.
Look, it's hard to let children and those we love walk away, we don't want to face rough passage, angry seas and gale force winds. But we must keep our hand on the till and maintain our heading, knowing that we will be stronger when the waters are smooth again. We should prepare for our own life.
You seem like the person who can bounce back after adversity, you will keep your works skills after you come out full time. You know just how far you can push your managers, but prepare yourself to start over if they wont budge. Hopefully you can reach an amiable arrangement which will satisfy both of you.
Peace and have a great last days of the holidays.
Sarah
Wow... Reading this, and Sarahs comment has tears in my eyes. It kind of brings everything into sharp focus.
Hope you enjoy the rest of your vacation.
Stace
Dear Lisa
You are entitled to be nervous & to cry. These are big steps you are taking. You are stronger than you think. Be kind to yourself. It can feel like its all running too fast & that you no longer have everything under control some days. The important thing is to be able to release the pressure. Talk to your counsellor/tutor or perhaps occupational health if your company has one. Our loved ones are too close to share these feelings with. We have a hard enough time ourselves. Try to get the pace of the changes you feel you need to make back at a pace thats right for you. Its ok to be scared. Its ok to want to take a step back. There does perhaps seem to be a point on our journey we reach when it feels like it becomes a leap of faith. You will know when you are ready.
You are not alone.
Bless you
Take care
Debbie x
Lisa, the changes you are going through are huge. You're on the threshold of going full time! And I would be surprised if you weren't at least somewhat concerned about your workplace. I hope that all comes out well in the end, but we know that at this point things are not going as smoothly as they might.
I can only imagine how it would have been for me if my partner had left me, even if we had remained best friends. That is a huge change. Your wife is doing something that is not so unusual -- splitting up with her spouse, starting to date, looking forward. It's more unusual for your kids, but they seem to be doing great.
You still have the biggest changes in front of you, and not changes that very many people understand. And with your wife and kids seeming to adapt well to the new reality, I wonder if perhaps you aren't feeling a bit left behind. They've done what they can for you, and the rest is on you. That's a lot!
If I were in your position, I would need a good cry. Don't hold back. Nothing wrong with tears, even a bit of wallowing, as long as you don't get stuck there.
I wish I could be a real support for you instead of thousands of kilometres away.
xoxo
I have to say a big thanks to you all for your support.
You all unfortunately are a long way away but your words of wisdom and support ring loud and clear.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
xxxx
If we could have back all the time and nervous energy spent trying to double guess the possible hurdles ahead what a time we would have.
Humans are amazingly resilient and when the time comes deal naturally with all the challenges that life throws at us. Things may not work out the way we hoped but there is little we cannot deal with. Lisa is smart and resourceful, she will get through this.
Letting Amanda go free must be the biggest challenge to you, harder in reality than in the planning. Lets hope you both find the happiness you seek while remaining lifelong friends.
Caroline xxx
As others have said, there's no shame in crying. It'll make you feel better, purge those stress hormones!
You've managed this process in about as good a way as possible for all concerned.
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