Over the last few weeks I have now realised I have to transition to move on and get over all the turmoil that has been with me over the last 5 years or so. Sure I had feelings before that but over these last few years they have been more frequent and extremely intense.
I have tried hard to find a balance somewhere before full transition but as I took each of the baby steps I have only been content for a short while. I needed to take another, then another and so on.
To be truthful until the last few weeks I had nagging doubts that maybe I can beat this, maybe I am crazy, maybe I can deal with it without transitioning etc. The usual stuff I guess we all think.
My pace of change this year has grown and over the last 3 months has got faster.
The only thing left for me to do now is come out at work and go full time.
I have been preparing on many fronts for this final stage of my transition.
My wife and I have made changes to our relationship that she needed to move on. In some ways I guess, it makes it a fresh start for us both moving forward. That said we are still close and she is a great support to me.
We have just sold our beloved caravan and will be trading in our 4 wheel drive car as we don’t need it now. This will help us raise some money and reduce some of our commitments.
If things should go badly when I come out at work then having a reduced commitment will help us a lot.
I am going to be talking to my brother to see if it does go badly at work, if he could offer me a job, which although menial would provide an income. In fact in some ways I would like a fresh start rather than coming out at my work, but I will blog about my worries there another time.
I have spoken to my counsellor and she has given me some advice on this process. She also offers transition support which I will mention to our company owner.
I have met some lovely friends who have transitioned and I found that very helpful. I hope our friendships and new ones will continue to grow.
I am finding living part of my life as a woman and part presenting as a male really difficult now. It is doing my head in trying to go in male mode.
I have heard many people say that you have to be selfish to transition. I always hated that saying in the past. I know many people who have transitioned who are anything but selfish.
But I think I finally get it now. By selfish I think it means that we have to do this despite concerns or objections that others have. It is time for me to be me. Sure I will try to help others through this, but if I lose them then so be it. I don’t want to but I can’t let their fear and worry stop me now.
I feel like it’s my time now. I have spent years taking this slowly to help others around me transition with me.
Now I can wait no more.
So I guess I may change the title of my blog after all this time. No longer “My Journey of transformation – exact destination unknown” to something more befitting with my new destination of womanhood.
I know what great writers and creative girls my friends are so I am open to suggestions as to the new title. :- )
Please help my friend Rebecca
7 hours ago
21 comments:
Exact destination now known!
Caroline xxx
Oh Lisa. It's a big step, but I am absolutely sure having been a regular reader of your blog, that if anybody can have a 'best in class' transition for everybody affected it's you. We are all women from the day we are born and it's only the outward Lisa that needs changing to make you whole.
Very envious in many ways [I'm still stuck in the repress->explode->go slightly mad cycle] and not sure where I'll end up, but with all my heart I wish you and your wonderful family the absolute best going forward.
It will all work out in the end
There's a lot of clarity that comes when you know for sure what you want and what you have to do to get it. And a lot of relief. It's funny how many of us hope that we can stop short of the ultimate goal and still be happy. I don't know how often stopping short works, but I have a pretty good idea how often it doesn't work.
I'm hardly disinterested, of course, but I'm thinking that "selfish" is not the right word. How about doing what you have to do in order to take care of yourself? I had thought that was selfish, but I realized that I was actually being more selfish when I ignored my own needs. I indulged myself in myriad small ways because I was unhappy. Once I took care of myself first, I was much more able to turn outward to others.
I hope all goes well at work or that something else opens up for you, either from your brother or elsewhere. And I will continue to follow your amazing journey. In some ways, you now know where it will lead, but when the world opens up to you, who knows what wonderful things might be in store?
I believe that you will do very well. I see that you are realistic in your expectations both now and later. I also believe that you have laid a very sturdy foundation on which to move forward.
It is next to impossible to straddle the line as you have done. Although I did not ever see you straddling any line but moving forward at variable speeds. You have prepared your family and those around you very well.
You will continue to do well, be not afraid, and bless you in your journey, and bless those around you as all are fortunate as things have developed.
B
Hi Lisa,
You cannot believe how many times I have heard about or read about people in almost the exact same situation that you are in. I am seeing a definate pattern. As a result I am sending outthe same response, over and over.
It just seems no matter how unique the situation seems, it always boils down to the same thing.
I understand the doubts, and I understand your not wanting to hear what you don’t want to hear, BUT you need to HEAR this. You need to FULLY understand what you are doing.
I am having a similar struggle with your fellow blogger, Keri. The following is an excerpt from what I have written to her……
“……. Is it that my last post has posed some difficult questions? I realize that you have been going through some difficult times and I know that we have agreed that this is indeed part of this most difficult of journeys.
I have always believed that the later in life a transition is attempted, the harder it is. There are lots of reasons for this and that is easily a subject for a more thorough examination. I am sure that you can attest to the high price being exacted and the difficulties involved.
It is for this reason that I ALWAYS urge people to try and find another way to deal with their feelings. Believe me when I tell you that I understand how and what you are feeling. Although I was much younger at the time the price was essentially the same. (Although in your case and the case of your friend, Kate it may even be higher because you and Kate have family.) In my case, the price of the wager, was only MY life.
I bet my LIFE that I would and could be happier than I was, IF, (and this was a HUGE ‘if’. IF I could successfully change my sex from male to female. And believe me, there were LOTS of corollary ‘ifs’. Fortunately, by the Grace of God, I won that bet. I am still here, happy and kicking, 40 years later.
Now my question to you (and KATE), is this. Are you betting your life that you will be able to successfully CHANGE YOUR SEX from male to female? Or is your end goal to change into, or become a “transgender” or “transwoman”. I ask this because there is a BIG difference, and I am hoping that you are aware of that VERY BIG difference.”
Changing sex is no cake walk. Less than half of those who make the attempt survive to become women in the mainstream. And even fewer of those that do survive ever “come back” to tell about it. Most of the survivors, become either professional “trans-genders” or activists. My question to you is essentially the same. Where do you see yourself 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years after transition? This is what we are talking about….the rest of your LIFE.
Are you absolutely SURE that there is NOT an easier way?
Here is a link. http://www.mtftransition.com/t-girl.htm
It is a long difficult read. I strongly urge you to get through at least the first chapter and then give it some serious thought. Trust me I do not give out this advise lightly
Do ME a favor. Do yourself a favor. Please. Think about that
Yes! Caroline is right! Exact destination, now known!
Follow your heart, sweetie, and please take the advice of anonymous Cassandras, with a grain of salt. Anyone who has followed your blog knows that you have not gone into this, without thoroughly contemplating the consequences of your actions.
I hope you enjoy your trip to France with Lucy and Caroline!Have a glass of wine for me!
Melissa XX
I don't think that there is much I can say that hasn't been said already.
You have certainly not rushed into this, you have carefully considered everything from what I can tell.
I really wish you all the best.
Stace
OMG. You shared, "My wife and I have made changes to our relationship that she needed to move on. In some ways I guess, it makes it a fresh start for us both moving forward. That said we are still close and she is a great support to me."
I do believe that your slow-as-molasses pace of transition has allowed you to bring everyone you love the most along with you on this journey. I'm truly proud of your reluctancy to move forward while acknowledging your true authentic self needs to be allowed to manifest itself. I sensed this is what you would do all along, but your journey has and always will be your own.
As far as work is concerned, I might have some advice to give if you're willing to hear it. I know that every workplace transition is unique in and of itself, but I can credit a lot of my successes on a few big things I did before I came out at work. Anyway, if you're interested send me an email and we'll chat privately. (Calie can give you my email addy)
As for Anne's advice, I wouldn't argue that you shouldn't carefully consider all that she's discussing. However, I've known you all along this process and I can honestly say that I've watched you slowly move through each and every pro and con of transition. Her words might come as a shock to some, but I sense that you're likely not surprised by what she's sharing. And obviously she's sharing because she cares, if she didn't she'd have stayed silent.
But when it all comes down to it, you already "pass" as a female more than male. Your integration into society as a woman is less in doubt than ever before, at least what I've seen over these last years. The slow path is almost always the best path when it comes to transition... at least that's what I've learned (but hey, who am I and what do I know?)
I don't see you as a person who would live a life as something other than male or female but only be known as a "transgender" person. No, I see lots of femininity with you and in you and I would bet on you that you and your family can and would overcome any obstacle you might encounter.
I want you to hold on to hope that wherever you go from here, you're gonna be alright. I've never doubted that.
I've never doubted you, my precious friend.
Your friend always,
Lori D.
Nothing to add but friendship and support to you and your family, and a secret smile for your happiness. Cxxx
I agree that you have to be selfish to transition, but is it not more selfish to expect someone to stay as they are to make yourself happy. That's a question I've asked myself alot over the past year. The truth of the matter is that it's YOUR life. YOU have to live it and YOU have to feel comfortable in your own skin.
Commenting on Annes post, I agree with alot of her points but I also think that it's kind of a negative view. It's realistic and an extremely important side to take into account. For me though, none of it matters. I'm not naive enough to think that I'll seamlessly blend into society as a woman, but I am positive enough to know that I'll be 100% happier living my life free, rather than the life I've had.
You seem like a very level headed person and you definately don't seem like you're taking this lightly. We are at a similar stage at the Gender Clinic in Nottigham
so I can relate to your story.
If you ever need to chat or anything just drop me a comment on my Blog.
As for a new title for your blog, let me see. How about 'On The Right Path'.
I wrote a long rant about Anne's comment (which I'm sure was well-intentioned), but I thought better of publishing it. I have no doubt that you have carefully considered all that you are doing. That's just who you are.
I do wish people wouldn't trot out that dated, sensationalist "book."
Hi Lisa
I am glad you made your choice and although it will not stop all the hurt, it will help you to feel a lot better as a choice has been made.
The hardest part is the 75/25 female/male split before going full time, it did my flipping head in.
good luck hun and im here if you need me.
how about
"To Womanhood and beyond"
xx
I understand how you feel, Veronique, about that "book", but I must tell you that back when I was frequenting forums and mailing for the spouses of transitioners, many of them would bring out that link and suggest it as something "you must share with your husband". For them, it represented the final glimmer of hope that they could persuade their spouse not to transition.
We can argue the rights and wrongs of what is written in it all we like, but the fact remains that it was one person's experience, and because it is out there, others who (for their own reasons) don't like the idea of transition will grab onto it like a life raft. The link isn't going away, and nor are the feelings of those who promote it. It's important to be aware of what "the other side" is reading and taking in as a general truth.
Of course, it would be ideal if there weren't "two sides", but as long as there are transwomen who married straight women who don't want to lose the fact of having a male spouse, there will be another side, sadly.
Can't say this comes as a big surprise. The struggle to avoid being who you feel you should be while trying to be what others want is not easy. Especially when you love them and they you. If there is a way not to live as who you feel you should be I don't know it.
We get one shot at this life and it's all about making the best of it. I doubt I can tell you anything you've not already considered.
But I take exception to some of Anne's comments regarding becoming female.
Yes this does come with some risk. Yes one must consider their future and if this will bring them happiness and contentment in the long run. I know you've not rushed into this.
The more history we have living as men the more difficult it is to keep that history private. Self acceptance that one may likely be seen as trans from time to time is vital to being comfortable. Not always easy. But when people just see you as any other woman there is a comfort and rightness that I know you've already experienced.
One does not have to have the physical sex change to live comfortably as female. It may help but is not necessary unless you absolutely must have it. There are women married to men who have not had it. Not having SRS doesn't mean you are destined to become a trans activist. It doesn't mean you are not a woman.
I really hope you can stay employed. Finding work is not easy these days and much harder if you are a trans woman.
I hate seeing what this does to marriages and families. Even when you stay together things are never as good as before especially for wives and kids. My biggest sorrow in all this.
Best wishes.
Thanks to all of you for all your friendship and support. It means a lot to me.
Many of you have known me for quite a while and some like Lori date back to many years ago on Yahoo 360.
For the benefit of Anne, who I assume has only just started reading my blogs, I want to assure you I have thought long and hard about this for many years. I have tried hard to be someone I am not and also slow this down to a snails pace to help evryone through this.
I have the support of my family now. Sure there will be challenges ahead but we will overcome them with love, communication and an open mind.
I have thought a lot of my future and where I see myself in years to come.
Basically this is living a normal life as a woman out in the world. Nothing fancy just enjoying the peace that comes with being me. I have drema to but dont want to go into them here. But that said I would settle for peace any day over the turmoil of the last few years.
I did read that article 2 or 3 years ago and it scared the living daylights out of me. In fact it set me back. Maybe this was not a bad thing as I had obviosly not come to terms with everything at that time or I would have been able to handle all the issues bought up there.
In some ways reading your comment and clicking on the link (which I then realsied I had read before) actually helped confirm just how ready I am. It left me with no doubt whatsoever in my direction.
As you have no profile that I can see or blog to read, I know nothing at all about you. This puts me at a disadvantage a little, in understanding quite where you are coming from and what your motivations are.
However I am looking at this positively and assuming you have my best interests at heart. I appreciate your concern but would ask you now to respect my decision.
x
You, my dear, are inspiring to me!
I agree with Lori and Veronica and other that you know your own heart and what you have to do.
I took some time and skimmed through the "book" and had to take a step back. I thought it was quite negative in its language I have acquired a distaste for some of the terms which is used.
I would suggest it as necessary reading to anyone.
You have achieved greater success by going slow, being open and letting everyone transition with you. I admire you for being able to do that.
Peace,
Sarah
Dear Lisa,
And to the others here as well.
I write to you all from afar. I call it the "promised land". I hope you will forgive me for waxing poetic, but that is how it seems to me at times. I have lived here for so long that I really no longer have a real "feel" for how difficult it really was.
I can only experience that pain through you all in some perversely vicarious manner in that who in their right mind would want to experience that pain again.
My answer to that question would be to liken it to giving birth to a child, a new life. Without doubt childbirth in its "natural" primitive form is excruiatingly painful, and yet, ultimately the pain passes and life goes on with the new added benefit and joy of the new life that was added, as the reward for all that pain.
So yes, to varying degrees, I "feel" your pain. And that is why I visit these blogs.
A bit about me, only because you asked about my motivation in posting here and to others as I do.
Up until three years ago, I had been living blissfully in the land of fruits and honey. The "mainstream" some call it, far from the fear, pain and turmoil of transition, or "coming to terms with who I am". That is a very difficult place. Yes, although the memories are long faded and mostly forgotten, I still have a few, dimly remembered.
Three years ago, having just disembarked from a transatlantic cruise in Florida, I ran across an article in the local newspaper about the firing of a local City Manager, because it had become known that "he" intended to become a woman. Initially I was shocked to have something which I had not thought about in decades brought to my attention a such a surprise.
Remember, my "past" was so far behind me as to have ceased to exist. I hadn't thought about anything even remotely related to "trans" or transition in literally decades and NOW with this little article in the newspaper, all that pain and anguish and turmoil suddenly was remembered.
My subsequent reaction turned to outrage as I considered the total madness and injustice of being fired from a job, held successfully for 17 years. A job so well done that Notices of Merit had been just recently been awarded.
So that was the "incident" that caused me to become involved as I am now. I hope that answers your questions about me and my motivations.
Having said that I must also say that I still hold strongly to the notion that "the earlier, the better", only because the price is lower. The minute family becomes involved the emotional costs go way up and the difficulties increase my magnitudes. Yes, Lisa I have just started following your blog. You seem strong and focused and have obviously done your "due diligence" well.
That is all that you can do, and I wish you my very best. I apologize for having offended anyone but I will noty apologize for urging anyone considering or even toying with the idea of transition to read that "book" whose link I posted.
As I stated earlier and most of you all well know. This is not a game, a lifestyle, a choice. It is a deadly serious matter called YOUR LIFE and possibly the lives of others.
Again, my very best wishes to you all.
Anne
Thank you Anne for your explanation. I appreciate your concern and do agree that people who help us question ourselves to ensure we are doing the right thing are a benefit if done in the right way.
x
Late to the party as always, but I want to tell you how encouraged I have been by your successes. I don't know that I will ever go as far down the road as you, but it's great to see that it can work out without taking down everyone in your circle. Well done, Lisa.
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