Happy new year

I just wanted to wish all my friends a Happy new year.
Thanks to you all for your friendship and love in 2009.
I wish you all a happy 2010 and hope it brings you everything you wish for.

x

PS A friend of mine called Emma has joined Blogger and has just got her site up.
She has had a very tough few weeks with a cancelled SRS operation the day before surgery.
She is a lovely woman and I have listed her site below in case you could find time to drop her a line.

Emmas site

xx

How to present myself tomorrow

I have my best friend coming around tomorrow with his wife and son.
We have been best friends since we were 10.

We have been through a lot together and he has dug me out of more scrapes than I care to remember.

He has a strong character and is a typical male.
He enjoys a beer or 5, enjoys sport and works in quite a male environment.
He has a good nature and I love him as a best friend.

If I am an honest I am more nervous about coming out to him now than anyone else. In comparison I think telling my brother and sister In January as I plan to do, will be a doddle.

I am not ready yet to tell my best friend but as we don't see each other very often, (due to the distance we live apart)I am sure he will notice changes in me.
I am worried a bit as to what to wear.
I haven't bought any male clothes except work shirts for 2 years, and am mostly presenting now in female androgynous clothes.

But what should I wear tomorrow. If I do present like this I am sure him and his wife will ask questions and it could be difficult with all the kids there.
On the other hand I do feel guilty for not being honest with him.
I am seriously worried about loosing this friendship. If I am honest, in a big way one of the reasons I don't see him a lot more is because I am scared of loosing the friendship if he sees me as I want to be seen.
I guess I am going to have to slick the hair back, dig out some male clothes and grin and bear it.

I suppose I need to follow my general plan of telling people in a staged way, handling one hurdle at a time.
Not sure I could deal with to many hurdles all together.
If a fell at them all it would kill me.

So today Michael, I am going to be Jason. ( for my American friends this guy did stars in your eyes in the UK)

x

Boxing day

We visited my Mum and Dad on Boxing day and had a second Christmas day.
They live about 30 miles away and generally My sister and her Fiancé together with my family all go around on boxing day and repeat Christmas day.
So I had a second full Christmas turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and don't tell anyone but I had another large portion of Christmas pudding with brandy sauce!

My Grandfather was there also. He is doing well for his age, now 89 years young!

We gave out the presents and had an enjoyable day.
My mum gave me my present when we were on our own, as she had got me the perfume I wanted. :-)

It was a great feeling having my mum and dad buy me something for me like that.

After dinner my dad and I took our dog for a walk and he suggested we visited the local pub for a drink. My daughter came for a walk with us, and she said she was happy to walk down the country lane to the pub.
They allowed dogs inside which I hadn't realised.
The pub sells mainly real ales and has a great feel to it. Open fireplaces and a genuinely nice clientele.
I had 2 glasses of real ale, that my dad recommended to me.

My wife called and guessed where we had gone. She being the angel she is came to pick us up, which did save the walk back along the dark country lane.

My mum then prepared tea and while most of the family were in the living room watching a football match, my mum and I sat in the back room listening to Christmas songs.

We had a chat which although interrupted a few times, I really enjoyed.
It was different to the chats we have had in the past. The dynamic seem to have changed a bit.

She said that my brother and sister in law, who had spent Christmas day with her after dropping by our house on the way, had not mentioned anything to her about the way I was dressed or anything. However they had mentioned about the fact that my brother seems to have more grey hair even though his hair was a lot shorter.
My Mum and dad just nodded there heads apparently, and agreed with them. Nothing else was said by them.

She also said she had been thinking back for signs of any gender issues I had in the past. She said that I did seem to go through periods of anger at times, and often people would say,"you know how Jason is."

It would seem that people could see I was a moody child at times, even into my teens and adult life I guess. ( I think I need to reflect on this a bit more. Maybe a furture blog)
Its amazing how much more relaxed and in tune with myself I feel now.

The conversation was cut short with the kids running in.

I hope our relationship continues to evolve and grow into a more mother / daughter one.

We came home around 9.00 PM.
This morning I lay in bed when my wife was downstairs and for 15 minutes, I kind of felt ridiculous that all this change is going on.
It was like self doubt came back for a short period.

It vanished shortly afterwards but did leave me feeling uneasy for a while.

Today I prepared my world famous, (ok then family famous) lasagna, for my brother in law and his family.
We had Jacket potatoes and salad with it. Just what the doctor ordered after all that turkey.

Again I was in girls androgynous clothes. No makeup on but hair styled a bit and a light shinny nail varnish that I have had on all Christmas.
Now my sister in law I am sure noticed and kept looking at my hands. I think she told her husband.
No change from them at all in the way we talked and inter acted with me, but I am sure they noticed it.

Finally someone seems to actually open there eyes !!!
Now I am not in the slightest bit worried and indeed am being more real about myself around many others.

I think 2010 will be a big year for me, in terms of being more visible.

Tomorrow I am going to make a creamy Turkey and Gammon pie. I am almost feeling hungry just thinking about it!

xx

Christmas Day

I spent most of Christmas eve either shopping for food, cooking or watching Santa on his world wide journey on the Norad Santa Tracker web site.

The kids and I loved it.

I had them involved in the preparations and they made the trifle between them. It tasted and looked wonderful.

We went to 6.00PM mass at our local church. It was the first time we had seen the new priest, and he seems quite upbeat and modern in his approach.
The kids went up and sang away in a manger and happy Birthday to Jesus, in the crib after mass.
I love the feel of Christmas.

When we got home I opened some wine and we played some music. I also sneaked in a 40 minute practice to the "Fairy tale of new York" I found on U tube.
I still cant play it properly yet but am hopeful with 364 days to go till next year. it is realistic to be able to play it by then!!!

The kids didn't wake up until 8.00 on Christmas morning which meant my head was not to bad after a few glasses of wine.
They opened there presents and played most of the day with them.

My wife had got me a Love Links bracelet with 6 charms. It is lovely. I haven't taken it off so far!

I wore a nice party top my wife bought me for my Birthday, with some black leggings and black Ugg boots (cheap £4.00 copy I got in Primark!)

I had styled my hair a little (which was looking great after I found some dye I could use that didn't effect me)and also applied a little eye makeup and lipstick, but fairly conservatively, as we had people coming in the day.

We had our traditional breakfast of Scrambled eggs and smoked salmon, with Bucks fizz for breakfast. Before anyone calls the police the kids had orange juice!!

At 12.30 I got in my girly jeans and top as my brother and his family were coming around on there way to my parents house. I left my hair as it was and didn't wash of any of the makeup off, although it had worn off a little.
I have got to the stage that I almost want people to force this out of me and am taking small risks I guess.

Other than a second look when they saw me nobody said anything, or seemed to act any differently. They stayed for an hour and then left.
It was great to see them. We really don't see them enough. Our kids get on so well with there two young ones.

I then prepared Christmas dinner while my wife collected her Mum from work.

We had a late dinner at 3.30. It was a traditional Turkey dinner with all the trimmings, sparkling wine and Christmas songs in the background.

At 5.30PM my wife's uncle came around and we watched TV, played games and chatted for most of the night.

He hasn't seen me for 18 month and after he had been with us for an hour or so he said " I hope you don't mind me asking, but why are you growing your hair"
Now I smiled and immediately looked at my son who was sitting right next to him. He was smiling as well.
I made the usual excuse about me learning the guitar and changing my outlook. That seemed to answer it for him.

I am surprised. I had re applied my silver eye make up 3 times in the day, Put on mascara and also applied my lipstick 2 or 3 times. I had girls jeans and t-shirt, no hair on my arms, a girls watch and bracelet and all people seem to notice is my hair.
They don't seem to register the bob style of my hair, the fact it is dyed, the fact my eye brows are plucked and shaped or that I have absolutely no facial hair.
Just it seems the length of my hair.

I had asked my wife if she minded me wearing a little discreet makeup and clothes. She had said no problem as if her mum mentioned anything it might prompt the conversation she needed to have with her about me.
I then thought it may be a good thing to let them see me and ask any questions.
As it turned out no one has said anything at all.

I also spoke to my Mum and asked if My brother had mentioned anything about me.
It seems he hadn't but my sister in law had mentioned that my brother seemed to have more grey hair than me, even though my hair was longer and I was older.
Other than that they said nothing either.

It really does amaze me that no one seems to notice. I was told by my therapist that people wont notice for a long time, that they see what they expect to see, until you do something that gives it away.
I am not sure what giving it away entails, but maybe its wearing a slinky black dress with killer heels and full make up applied.
Mind you that does sound tempting.

We went to bed around 12.00 after more than enough wine for a year.

I managed to get up at 9.30 and after I had thought about how much I had eaten and drunken, I felt suitably guilty to go for a jog. I have to admit it was a tough 3 miles but I felt better when I got back.

Now I am off to my Mums for a second Christmas day!

So all in all a wonderful Christmas so far.

xx

Santa tracking for kids and big kids.

For anyone that has children or if you are a big kid here is a link to track santa.

You will need to download google earth if you havent already got it,and it shows him flying around the world.

It also has a present count. So far he is over Australia and has delivered over 120,000,000 presents.

We track him every year.

It is great fun.

It is done by NORAD

http://www.noradsanta.org/en/video.html



I hope you enjoy

Yippee

Great news!
It seems I don't have a reaction to this natural dye.

So tonight my plan is to wash my hair and then "condition"(dye) it.

This "conditioner" apparently needs to stay in for up to 2 hours with a plastic cap over it.
I just hope my kids don't roll over laughing at me. :-)

I had my last day at work today until the 4th of January so tomorrow will be spent between cooking to get ready for Christmas and admiring my grey-less hair in the mirror. LOL

On Monday I spent 45 minutes in the electric chair (electrolysis) which will see me through till Monday 4th of January. Oh Joy Oh Joy.

I am in good spirits and looking forward to Christmas day.
I have a lovely top my wife got me for my birthday that is a party top and a pair of leggings and shoes laid out ready for Christmas morning. Just a shame I will have to get changed back before the outlaws arrive at 3.00PM. But hey ho.

I wish all my friends a happy Christmas. I hope you have all been good this year and that Father Christmas (Santa for some of my friends) brings you all a gift.

Big Festive hug.

xxxxxx

Last chance saloon, for my lovely natural brown with no grey bits hair, honest!!

Well my final chance at finding anything to colour my hair without turning my head into a mass of puss weeping holes arrived today.

I found a non chemical based product that is not only organic, its also vegetarian, vegan, environmentally friendly and tree hugging.
It contains no ammonia, no peroxides, no PPDs and no Parebans.
For colouring it uses plant extracts it seems.

It is a bit more expensive than the standard hair dyes you bye in the shop but Hey Ho. If it works it will be money well spent.

I paid for quick delivery so I could have it before Christmas.
Basically I want it done before Christmas, but If it goes pear shaped so to speak at least I have a couple of weeks to do something before I go back work. (Like what shave my hair off ??)

Apparently it lasts for 6 - 8 weeks which will be fine for me.

I have chosen a dark brown as that's my hair colour. I really just want to hide the grey.

I need your prayers tonight as I think this is last chance saloon for hair coloring!!!
So here we go.

Our Father who art in Heaven, ......

xx

Damn allergic reaction to the mild hair dye.

Damn, I woke up this morning and felt wet behind me ear.

It seems I have had an allergic reaction even to this hair dye that has most things taken out
It does not contain Ammonia, Resorcinol, Nonoxynol, Parebens or any heavy metals ( I honestly don't know what they all are but they don't sound to good) but I still had a reaction.It does say it contains low levels of PPDs whatever they are. So maybe that is the bit I am having a problem with.

The stuff I tried was from a company called Spirit of Nature. They distribute lots of environmentally friendly products.

They do have within there range a product called "Logona Pure Herbal colour which is a semi permanent colour.
It contains no parebens, PPDs, Ammonia or peroxide. I may give this one a try as it is made from 100% natural ingredients.

Just by chance if anyone has tried this or has any suggestions on an alternative I would be very interested.

I took my Daughter with me to the hairdressers today. She is a real angel and always makes me laugh.
She is 6 years old and has 5 boyfriends on the go apparently! She is a real character.
I asked my hairdresser if he knew of any hair dyes that were kind to sensitive skin and he said I maybe should try some of the mousses that are available which while not dying the hair, can help hide some of the grey.
At the moment my hair is 90% brown and its just the 10% grey I want to colour really.

After getting home, we took the dog for a walk, played the guitar for an hour and then went for a run.

We have just finished an Indian takeaway and my plan for tonight is to cuddle up on the settee with my wife, a large glass of wine in hand and watch a DVD.

Have a great weekend everyone.
x

Christmas,Computer and hair

Well it has been a week and a half since my last blog so I better just do a quick catch up I guess.

I have had computer problems for the last few weeks. I have finally managed to get it up and running after a lot of effort and playing around.
I don't want to bore anyone with the details but basically I changed the hard drive and the mother board.
The damn thing would not then boot up.
This meant the only way to start it was to reload windows and delete everything on my hard drive.
Obviously that would have been a real pain.
So I then bought another new hard drive and loaded windows onto that.
I have now added the old one as a slave drive.
At least I have now kept all the information.
If nothing else it has been a learning experience!
Thanks to Chrissie and some other friends for there help and advise.

I have managed to spend a bit of time practicing the guitar which I have enjoyed.

I am off tomorrow to get my haircut. Hopefully it is about long enough to have a "BOB" style cut. I just have to be careful that I can style it in a masculine way (URGH I am going to vomit!) in the day.

I also ordered some natural hair dye which arrived today. Unfortunately I seem to have major reactions to most hair dyes.
I have done a test patch several hours ago and will wait until tomorrow to see if I have a reaction.
My grey hairs are now starting to show a bit and I really want to get rid of them. Fingers crossed.

I have kept up the jogging and managed to have a 3 mile run every couple of days. It has helped me loose 2 lbs of the lbs. I put on. Still 4 more to go.

I am on a reasonably even keel at the moment. I think its the thought of Christmas and a break that's helping.

I went shopping with my wife last Saturday and we managed to get most of the presents.
I bought my wife some charms that she wanted for her bracelet. It is so lovely and she knows I really want a bracelet like that.
Its the type where you buy the silver chain and then add the charms over time. You can personalize them and there are hundreds of options for the charms.
So when she asked me what I wanted I smiled and she knew what to get me. So we went and chose the bracelet and some charms to go on it.
Now I cant wait until Christmas morning. :-)

I love shopping with my wife. We have a good browse around and always make time for a pub lunch. Either my parents or hers babysit so it is a relaxed day.
We normally go 2 or 3 times a year.

My Mum called me the other night and she has been asking me what I wanted for Christmas. I have been racking my brains and really wanted some perfume.
She said " come on tell me what you want. You need to make up your mind time is running out. How about a CD or some after shave"

After shave !!! I laughed when she said it.

I said "no mum, Definitely not, but there is a nice perfume I am after if you wouldn't mind."
There was a short pause and then a "on that's fine and which one would you like"
So I told her and the conversation moved on.
I am trying to introduce things slowly with my parents and it does seem to be working. They are great. Although they never instigate any conversation on my Gender, they are ok if I bring it up.
We have a way to go yet but basically so far so good.

Oh dear, I have just looked at my arm and I need to epilate. That's tomorrow morning sorted!

xx

A good night learning the guitar

I am really starting to enjoy playing the guitar again.
I always love it when I am on an even keel.
I am planning along with John (the old guy that teaches me) to do another Gig at my house.
The first one was called "The big Gig". This one is going to be called the "The Big Gig 2"

We had my Mum and Dad, Sister and her husband, Next door neighbors, mother in law and Brother in law last time. My kids also had a couple of people stay over.
I think we had 22 in total with13 people staying over!
They were everywhere, in the conservatory, Dining room and all the bedrooms. :-D

We have planned 13 songs to perform this time.
Last time which was my first performance in front of anyone. We chose a set that was achievable for a new player. I played chords for a couple of songs but mostly I played lead.
This time I want to play mainly Chords to enable me to learn to play on my own.
I am also keen to learn to play at least 2 songs on my own for that night.
I have been on to U Tube and have found one of my Dads favorite songs "Hurt" the cover version by Johnny Cash.
I also managed to find a lesson on line on how to play it.
I have managed to practice for 1 hour on this song and 2 hours on the rest tonight.
It’s put a big smile on my face!
It’s a long way from good enough but I know I can do it now.

Last time I dedicated a song we played to my wife. It was "Wonderful tonight" by Eric Clapton.
She was in tears when I played and sang it. Lauren from next door also had tears in her eyes!
I have to think of a special song to dedicate for her this time.
I also need one to dedicate to my Mum.
Suggestions welcome!

I love the guitar and hope I can keep away from the downers that drag me away from it.

I know many of my on line friends are excellent players, yes I am talking about you Deja, Lori, Nicky and Teri.
Maybe we should start a band!
x

Oh Dear, the wrong glasses for work !!!

I made a bit of a mistake this morning that I didn’t realise until my secretary said “are those new glasses!”
I got up as normal in my girly night top and put on my women’s glasses, as I do every morning. After getting my slippers on and dressing robe, I went downstairs and woke the kids up.
We had breakfast, and then I washed, and blow dried my hair ready for work.
Now as I am not out at work, I always style my hair in a masculine way by brushing it back, which looks ok despite the fact it is now cut in the style of a small bob.
After blow drying my hair I always get dressed, change my glasses and leave the house.
But not today.
I had forgotten to get my male glasses on.
Now both pairs of glasses are fashion types and are in fact identical except the colour.
My male ones are Black and my female ones are a purple/red colour.
I drove to work, walked into the office and said good morning.
Jane looked at me strangely and said “are those new glasses.”
Now at first I went blank and didn’t know what she meant and on turning around to get something out of my bag, it dawned on me what I had done.
I was in disbelief at first and wracked my brains to think of an excuse.
On turning around to face her I explained that my daughter was playing with our new puppy and had accidentally knocked my glasses off. I went on to tell them at spec savers (who always have 2 for 1 offer) had the usual deal on and that my wife and 2 girls chose them for me.
I said the reason that they hadn’t seen me wear them before was that basically I didn’t wear them, but had no other choice.
I told them to enjoy it for 1 day as my others were being repaired today after which it would be business as usual.
Inside after the initial panic dyed off I was trying to hold back the laughter.
There were a few jokes made about them, but it wasn’t too bad actually. I obviously kept a low profile all day!
Goodness knows if it has put any ideas in their heads but certainly it didn’t seem that way.
I called my wife on the way home and we had a laugh about it. My daughters were also chuckling away.
After dinner I went to see my youngest daughter in the nativity play. She was an innkeeper. There was lots of singing and laughing. She and all her friends were fantastic.
I hope if I do transition I am not forced to avoid occasions like that. It would be a terrible loss.
Hope all my friends are well and that your Christmas preparations are going to plan.
x

Self acceptance

Self acceptance is the first stage of transition.
I have heard this said many times and it is something that in the main I do.
I accept myself now for who I am.
I never used to, I tried to fight it, deny it, run away from it forget it. But it was never going to work.
So learn to accept it I did and now I do accept who I am.
But I have to admit the thing I find difficult is when I think of what impact this will have on others.
Recently almost every time I go out in a social setting I sit there and try to imagine what my relationships will be like with whoever I happen to be with, If and when I transition. I struggle to stay in the here and now and my mind races away wondering if we will still be friends. If we are able to, how will the friendship change?
I imagine if the way we interact will change and hope that they will truly see me as a woman. I hope they will still feel comfortable to talk to me and have fun in the way we do now.
Will I be more confident and how will I change?
Will I lose everyone I love and hold close.
But I also think how the relationship my wife and kids have with these people. How will that change. Will they lose friends? Will they become in some small way outcasts.
My son at the grand old age of 11 and in his first year of senior school now has a girlfriend who has lasted more than 2 weeks! I even find myself now wondering how this may affect relationships my children have with others. If it did affect them, would they resent me as the cause?
So this then causes me to feel resentment at myself again. To try to fight it and hide it. To not accept myself for what it may do to others.
It won’t resolve itself I know. I need to do something to find a way through the terrible ups and downs I have.
x

Why men shouldnt write advice columns

I recieved this today and it did make me laugh.

Not PC but still funny!

x